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« I Suppose I Should I Also Mention That... | Main | Disappointing News For Those Of Us Hoping The Earth Would Be Swallowed By A Giant, Swiss Black Hole »

June 29, 2008

Only A Few Days Left to Transform David Spedaris Into A Supervillain

This Wednesday marks the conclusion of the first ever "Transform David Spedaris Into A Supervillian" contest. So far, I've received many fantastic entries, but at this point it's really anybody's game. The winner, of course, will receive an autographed copy of my new book, "My Custom Van (And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face)," with the inscription of your choice, plus a $12.00 gift certificate to Bath & Body Works! Total retail value: over $15.00!!!

On Wednesday, I will announce the three finalists. Readers will be encouraged to lobby for their favorite, but I and I alone will make the final decision. The winner will be announced on July 4th, birthday of both America and Geraldo Rivera.

 

For those of you reading about this contest for the first time and curious about why anybody would want to turn this beloved humorist/memoirist/best-selling America hater into a supervillain (and why I am deliberately inserting a "p" into "Sedaris,") you can click here to catch up.

For those of you still dithering about what super powers to give your evil Spedaris, the clock is ticking.

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Dark Side Steve

Wil Wheaton loves him some David Sedaris:

http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2008/06/i-saw-david-sed.html

Hey -- I don't know if your young 'uns watch Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends, but the closest thing they had to a villain on that show was a character named... Spiderus.

Hmmm.....

Camille

Weird...I looked up W. Wheaton after enjoying his VH1 appearances and saw that he also enjoys displaying his photography on Flickr and has a typepad blog. You just brought those coincidences full circle with directing him to MIB's blog. Small world...any chance Kevin Bacon is somehow linked to all of this?

Dark Side Steve

I don't know, Camille, but I'm also personally one degree of separation from Ted Bundy, so go figure.

I may explain that if you ask, otherwise, I'll let it hang and seem kind of creepy for doing so.

ETA: Thinking of Michael's post about black holes and the Large Hadron Collider, it occurred to me that we may be in the midst of some sort of humorous essayist loop here, as if stuck on the blue event horizon of giant black hole of comedy publishing, or something like that.

Or maybe that's just my low blood sugar talking.

Camille

As long as it's not Ed Gein or Albert Fish,then it's not as creepy.

don't ever stop

You freak me out...

Dark Side Steve

"As long as it's not Ed Gein or Albert Fish,then it's not as creepy."

Heavens, no. Ted was actually much worse than Eddie Gein, but I'm happy to be many degrees of separation from those monsters.

Zane

Camille and Steve, get a room! ;-)

Dark Side Steve

"Camille and Steve, get a room..."

It's true. I try to incorporate references to Ted Bundy in my conversation whenever I'm on the make. :^P

Zane

Oh, Steeeve, I was only teasing. I'm just jealous that nobody writes to me about winning his 6th grade Valentine's day box competition. Maybe someday........

Dark Side Steve

Perhaps I can rectify that situation, Zane.

When I was in elementary school, the scourges of our school were Jeffery and Bubba French.

Even if you could best Jeffery in a fight, school legend had it that Bubba might come along as you were pounding his brother, take off his wooden leg, and beat you with it.

Bullies didn't bother me much because I had such a mean older brother, but I was cowed by the legend of Bubba's wooden leg and usually avoided conflict with Jefferey.

One day he went too far, though -- he made some comment or other about my Mama. Since I am a southerner, naturally I could not let this particular breach of schoolyard honor go unchallenged.

I hatched a full-proof plan. Something like playground guerrilla warfare. I climbed a jungle gym and waited for Jeffery to come along as he marched across the playground, surveying his domain. At just the right moment, I jumped off the jungle gym and onto Jeffery French's back. I took him down, flailing all the way. Until, of course, he began to hit me back. Then I got up and ran.

But the good news was this -- I'd bloodied his nose and caused him to cry. I had also convinced Jeffery French that I was a bit evil and unpredictable.

My friends were awed by what I'd done, and talked about it for weeks.

Unfortunately, I still had Bubba French's wooden leg to fear. I ducked whenever I saw him at school and tried to sit on the opposite end of the bus from the brothers, but one day I had no choice -- on a crowded bus, the only spot available for Bubba was beside me.

We rode in silence for a while, Bubba looking straight ahead. Finally he said, "That was a good 'un."

I asked what he meant.

"When y'all jumped Jeffery t'other day. That was a good move. I'm gone do that some time."

Of course I immediately wondered how well that would work for a kid with a wooden leg, but I was wise enough to keep my counsel.

A rapprochement occurred. Slowly, I became something like a friend to both French boys. This was no small feat. While I had my thug teenage brother at home to assist in fortifying me against the piddling battles of the playground, I still had to contend with being overweight, an academic over-achiever, red-haired, and bespectacled. In a Southern city in the 1970s -- hell, anywhere, even today, sometimes -- those were qualities that could have easily meant daily beatings by any number of bullies.

In short, I had learned a wonderful lesson, one all young people should learn at some point: even when the circumstances are against you, crafty, violent sneak attacks can win the day.

Zane, do not fear attacking the bullies in your life from above and behind, whatever form those 'bullies' may take. All that stands between you and success, perhaps winning the David Spedaris as a Supervillain contest, is the phantom threat from your own version of Bubba's wooden leg.

Camille

So sorry for hogging the spotlight.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Brenda

Geez Louise, there are so many comments from Steve Huff, it's hard to tell
who's posting these blogs anymore. WTF, Michael?

Zane

Yeah Steve, thanks, but it was a bit much. I wasn't actually fishing, just teasing you a little bit regarding your new omnipresence here on Michael's site.

Ralph

Yes, please disable Steve from posting again. He is too close as it is to this blog.

Wednesday is almost over and nothing has been announced.

Reen

Ok, now. This contest. Are we suppose to vote for our favorite villain?

Why don't we light some torches and take a secret vote? Or in other words, send our choices to Steves email. Otherwise you'll get people on here getting sneaky and making up screen names and voting for the most unfunny picture over and over again. Kind of like American Idol, but not, but kind of.

Or screw what we think and pick your favorite and call it a day. It's your blog, you can do whatever you want to. No one can stop you. Not even me.


.

Some people on here need to grow the fuck up and stop playah hatin.

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