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June 26, 2008

I’ve Never Been Happier Than I Am Right At This Very Minute

This is a great minute. Honestly, of all my minutes, this one probably ranks as #1. Why? For starters, I’m sitting in an ergonomic chair that seems to have been expressly designed with my personal comfort in mind. Also, lunch was very good: chicken curry salad and borscht. You wouldn’t think those two things would go together, but they did. So that’s great. And that itchy dermatological abnormality on my fingers that’s been bothering me the last few days doesn’t seem quite as itchy as it did only a few minutes ago. Those minutes were also good, but the itchy finger definitely kept them out off my “Top Minutes of 2008” List, let alone my “All-Time Top Minutes” list. I have found that any minute in which “itchy” plays a prominent role does not stand much of a chance of making any “Best Minute” lists. Also, the radio station I’ve got on is playing “Come On, Eileen,” which is one of my favorite songs, so it’s possible that the good feelings from this minute could carry right over to the next minute, which begins very shortly.

As suspected, this new minute is also very, very good. Is it #1? Not sure yet. The chair is still comfortable, lunch was still good, etc. But now I feel like for this minute to supplant the previous minute something amazing has to happen. Like maybe a warm summer breeze across my sun-dappled face. But considering that it’s pretty humid out and my face is not currently sun-dappled, it seems unlikely that such a breeze and such a dappling will materialize. I also feel like, because I made such a big deal out of the last minute, that this minute is at a real disadvantage because the stakes are so much higher. I honestly wasn’t expecting to have a #1 minute a minute ago. It was one of those things that just hit me, like a happy punch in the face. So, inevitably, this minute has been something of a letdown. As such, it is quickly falling down the list of “Best Minutes,” and onto the list of "Minutes Not Worth Remembering 2008," which is actually making me reevaluate my previous minute because if that minute hadn’t been so good, this minute wouldn’t seem so bad in comparison. In a sense, that last minute ruined every subsequent minute, which makes me think that last minute was, in essence, fool’s good.

Now I’m angry at my #1 minute for flaunting it’s #1ness all over the place. It's like it got all dressed up in one of those tuxedo t-shirts and went parading all over time going, "Look at me!" Why does that last minute think it’s so much better than every other minute?  I’m supposed to think my #1 minute was so great because I ate some fucking beet soup? C’mon minute, you’ve got to do better than that. Fuck that minute. Fuck borscht. Fuck ergonomics. Fuck Dexy's Midnight Runners. And fuck this minute too.

I wonder if I have OCD.


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Having read up on the subject of OCD,etc, I'd say your assumption is probably correct. It's not always a bad thing and you certainly use it to your advantage.


You could of put your feet in a very comfortable position or forced yourself to relax, That could of made your second minute #1 wouldn't it?


I'd venture to guess that your minutes are likely far superior (and more famous) than most people's minutes.


I don't know about OCD. That mood change in the last paragraph might be a bit on the bipolar side of things, but everyone in show business has bipolar disorder (or depression, or substance abuse issues, or a combo of all of the above). You might want to invent something, see if you can get it into the textbooks. Hell, even call it "MIB" -- Mentally Incremental Bunosis, or something. I made up that last word, btw -- you're free to use it, even if it sounds like something you catch from getting food at the day-old bakery.


You will never guess what happened today!
My mom was getting surgery and I went down to the cafeteria for some not so frozen yogurt (which was delightfully over priced). When I went up to the register, the nurse in front of me had a book by none other than David Spedaris!! I couldn't help but snicker as she walked away..

Nickel Jean

This minute is not so great for me. I have PMS, my son got a vaccine today (I'm watching him closely for signs of autism) and my tone-deaf daughter has invented a very loud, noisy game called "Rock N' Roll Band." To top it all off, Michael Ian Black is not coming to St. Louis on his book tour. I bet David Spedaris goes to St. Louis on his book tours.


I think you have ADD..not OCD. Silly. Have you ever seen "Amadeus"? That dude, Wolfie, had ADD. Smart as a whip, crazy genius, and basically when focused on something he likes (key word "likes") - excels far beyond expectations. But the downside? Dreamy, impulsive, very easily distracted. Yes, Homer Simpson has it too. But I'd group you more in the "genius with ADD" category, not the "dumbshit cartoons with ADD".

So this "diagnosis from a distance" has pretty much endeared me to you. You're welcome. What do I win?


Nickel Jean, I finally figured out who you are! Hi booboo! :-D

Nickel Jean

Kiss, kiss, Reen! :)


Do you really like that James Blunt song?


I think you meant to say 'fool's gold', no?

Todd from australia

i love you lets have babies immeadiately

Todd from australia

ps. it would only cost 284 billion dollars to buy the moon (discounts for famous celebrity's)...wanna go splitsies?


I guess the more important question is: Is this minute better than David Spedaris' minute? I think we all know the answer to that...


I will never get those minutes back.


Oh, hey, speaking of happiness...you might want to check this one out.


Sean B.

It might make you happier to know your entire Tom Goes to the Mayor episode is on google video.



525,600 minutes!


You should have mentioned your upcoming book on every year of the VH1 special. You have over 700 more close,personal friends on Myspace than the last time I looked.

Cassandra Scheerer

I'm CDO, that's OCD, but with all the letters in the correct alphabetical order, like they should be... :) suck on that!

Tamara the admrial

I love Come on Eileen, especially the video with the armpits!


I'm not sure if this will give you another happy minute or not, but look who's Hot Slut of the Day!!!!


I am the one that emailed MK (who runs Dlisted) yesterday morning and asked him to make you hot slut! I do hope it gives you a happy minute.


Ps. hope you don't mind.


I was just going to inform you that you were Hot Slut of the Day, but was beaten to the punch. Everyone needs to help make Michael Hot Slut of the Month for June.

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