Disappointing News For Those Of Us Hoping The Earth Would Be Swallowed By A Giant, Swiss Black Hole
For those of us who have been anxiously wondering when scientists would finally get around to creating a black hole that would swallow our planet whole, apparently we are going to have to wait a little while longer.
In August, the Large Hadron Collider is set to open for business. Located on the border between Switzerland and France, the LHC is an enormous atom-smasher that can best be described as a “big, giant thing.” I’m excited about the LHC for several reasons. First, of course, is the word “Hardron” which, when read quickly, looks like “Hard-on.” Awesome.
Also exciting is that the possibility that the LHC will confirm the existence of extra dimensions. A popular theory these days is superstring theory, which postulates that there are actually ten dimensions, instead of the three we find so useful. If there are seven extra dimensions, I’m hoping at least one of them is “Bubble Bath.”
Some other ideas for dimensions: “Cuddling,” “Dimension Where Twinkees Are Good For You,” and “Party at Rick James’ House in the 80’s.” If scientists discover even one of those dimensions, I will be thrilled.
(Photo of a black hole I took while on vacation last year)
They’re also using the LHC to ferret out evidence of “dark energy” and “dark matter.” This could be a classic “kill two birds with one stone scenario,” because I suspect that if they discover the “Rick James’ Party House” dimension, they will simultaneously discover all the dark energy and matter they can handle.
But most of exciting of all is the fear that some have raised that the LHC will inadvertently open up a black hole right there in Switzerland, which will begin life at the sub-atomic level, but will eventually grow so large that it will eat the Earth. How great would that be? Yes, it would be a terrifying and brutal way to go, but since we’re all going to die anyway, wouldn’t it be so cool to die via black hole? Earthlings would have so much street cred.
In fact, at least one physicist is so worried about this possibility that he filed a lawsuit to prevent the LHC from opening. Unfortunately, the guy seems to be a nut job. He filed a similar suit in 1999 when another big, giant thing opened up in New York. The suit was dismissed and as far as I know, no black holes have yet devoured our planet.
Those of us who would like to sucked into a black hole may have to start taking matters into our hands (pun very much intended). One thought I had is that if we all join hands and spin around in a circle really fast, that might create enough suction to begin a black hole vortex. And if it doesn’t do that, it might set the world record for “Largest Game of Ring Around the Rosy,” which isn’t as cool as a black hole, but is still admirable in its own way. A little more ambitiously, we could try to figure out a way to accelerate our own sun’s collapse. I don’t have any good ideas about how to accomplish this, but I suspect a nuclear warhead and a spaceship commanded by Bruce Willis might be involved.
I certainly don’t have a death wish for our planet, but my love for doomsday machines far outweighs my love for humanity. And doesn’t it seem like if a doomsday machine is going to be built, it would be in Switzerland? After all, the Swiss are great tinkerers. For the time being, I guess the most I can do is sit back, cross my fingers, and wait. Hopefully the vast majority of the scientific community (including “world’s sexiest scientist” Stephen Hawking) is wrong, and the cranks and crackpots are right. After all, they called Albert Einstein crazy* and look what he did!**
*They didn’t call Albert Einstein crazy. I just said to make a point.
** I’m not really sure what he did, other than play the violin and make funny faces in photographs.