Some Thoughts on "Wall-E"

[Full disclosure: readers to this blog may remember a certain post in which I describe being fired from "Finding Nemo." The person who both fired and replaced me on that film was the director, Andrew Stanton, who is also the director of "Wall-E." Anything I say about "Wall-E" must be taken with a grain of salt considering my previous checkered history with Mr. Stanton. You can read that story here.]

Okay, so I went to see "Wall-E" today with my kids. First things first: this is a good movie, but not the over-the-top, mind-blowing extravanganza I was expecting based on the reviews. My quickie review: it's good, go see it, etc. But don't expect it to reveal any heretofore hidden truths about the nature of humanity.

Second things second: Pixar invested God knows how much money into a post-apocalyptic cartoon about a dead planet, a trash collecting robot, a laser-wielding ovoid, and co-starring a cockroach. Fun stuff. Humanity is presented as a morbidly obese race of self-destructive, loathsome blobs content to lounge around a cruise ship for seven hundred years, sucking french fries through straws, too lazy to even stand from a reclining position. This is a children's movie? Since when do kids love misanthropy? When did children start clamoring for movies about dystopia? When did the world's children all become French?

Disappointing News For Those Of Us Hoping The Earth Would Be Swallowed By A Giant, Swiss Black Hole

For those of us who have been anxiously wondering when scientists would finally get around to creating a black hole that would swallow our planet whole, apparently we are going to have to wait a little while longer.

In August, the Large Hadron Collider is set to open for business.  Located on the border between Switzerland and France, the LHC is an enormous atom-smasher that can best be described as a “big, giant thing.” I’m excited about the LHC for several reasons. First, of course, is the word “Hardron” which, when read quickly, looks like “Hard-on.” Awesome.

Also exciting is that the possibility that the LHC will confirm the existence of extra dimensions. A popular theory these days is superstring theory, which postulates that there are actually ten dimensions, instead of the three we find so useful. If there are seven extra dimensions, I’m hoping at least one of them is “Bubble Bath.”

Some other ideas for dimensions: “Cuddling,” “Dimension Where Twinkees Are Good For You,” and “Party at Rick James’ House in the 80’s.”  If scientists discover even one of those dimensions, I will be thrilled.

               (Photo of a black hole I took while on vacation last year)

Only A Few Days Left to Transform David Spedaris Into A Supervillain

This Wednesday marks the conclusion of the first ever "Transform David Spedaris Into A Supervillian" contest. So far, I've received many fantastic entries, but at this point it's really anybody's game. The winner, of course, will receive an autographed copy of my new book, "My Custom Van (And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face)," with the inscription of your choice, plus a $12.00 gift certificate to Bath & Body Works! Total retail value: over $15.00!!!

On Wednesday, I will announce the three finalists. Readers will be encouraged to lobby for their favorite, but I and I alone will make the final decision. The winner will be announced on July 4th, birthday of both America and Geraldo Rivera.

 

For those of you reading about this contest for the first time and curious about why anybody would want to turn this beloved humorist/memoirist/best-selling America hater into a supervillain (and why I am deliberately inserting a "p" into "Sedaris,") you can click here to catch up.

For those of you still dithering about what super powers to give your evil Spedaris, the clock is ticking.

I Suppose I Should I Also Mention That...

I am the hot slut of the day:

From the website Dlisted:

Hot Slut Of The Day!

        

   

                  

                                             

       

Michael Ian Black from "The State," "Wet Hot American Summer" and "Vh1's I Love the..."

For Lauren

Here's an Interview I Did With Gawker

My Interview With Michael Ian Black

 

Last week, comedian/author/VH1 dude Michael Ian Black started a feud with memoirist David Sedaris in preparation for the release of his own book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face. I decided to ask him about that, and a bunch of other things, at around the time of night when I used to watch Battlestar Galactica. The deeply insightful results after the jump.

Q. Books are weird and old and almost nobody buys them anymore. Why bother writing one? What're you trying to pull?

A. Books may be weird and old, but when the terrorists launch their EMF War against us (electro-magnetic frequency) and all electronic data is erased, isn't it comforting to know that you'll still be able to curl up with a book containing an essay entitled "How to Approach the Sensitive Question - Anal?"

Q. And the people who still buy books are ladies, mostly, and they mostly only buy books written by ladies with a photo of pretty feet and/or shoes on the cover. How are you gonna leap this hurtle?

A. I have an advantage with the female book-buying population in that I am a very attractive man. Women go gaga over my pronounced jaw line, high cheekbones, and full, supple lips. So I'm trying to emphasize those qualities to the book-buying population. How am I doing this? In every interview, I make sure to discuss my jaw line, high cheekbones, and full, supple lips. Also, I smell like chocolate.

I’ve Never Been Happier Than I Am Right At This Very Minute

This is a great minute. Honestly, of all my minutes, this one probably ranks as #1. Why? For starters, I’m sitting in an ergonomic chair that seems to have been expressly designed with my personal comfort in mind. Also, lunch was very good: chicken curry salad and borscht. You wouldn’t think those two things would go together, but they did. So that’s great. And that itchy dermatological abnormality on my fingers that’s been bothering me the last few days doesn’t seem quite as itchy as it did only a few minutes ago. Those minutes were also good, but the itchy finger definitely kept them out off my “Top Minutes of 2008” List, let alone my “All-Time Top Minutes” list. I have found that any minute in which “itchy” plays a prominent role does not stand much of a chance of making any “Best Minute” lists. Also, the radio station I’ve got on is playing “Come On, Eileen,” which is one of my favorite songs, so it’s possible that the good feelings from this minute could carry right over to the next minute, which begins very shortly.

On Galleycat Today

Getting to the Bottom of the Black/Sedaris Feud

When Michael Ian Black, author of My Custom Van, announced his feud with David Sedaris, I wanted to get to the bottom of things and asked him for the reasons behind it. Here's what he had to say:

David Sedaris has spent the last decade gaming the best-seller lists, which doesn't seem fair. There are literally NO OTHER memoirists out there who have cracked the best-seller lists because David Sedaris is hogging every single spot. (Augusten Burroughs, James Frey, Chelsea Handler, and all other best-selling memoirists excluded). I see myself as the Rocco Mediate to his Tiger Woods. I am standing up for all of the journeyman literary humorist/essayists out there just trying to claw our way onto the leader board alongside Mr. Sedaris. And to think that he's doing all of this from FRANCE??? It's mind-boggling. Where does he get off writing about stuff while living in France? That's soooo early-to-mid 20th century. Why does he get to live the glamorous life of an ex-pat while the rest of us are in the greatest country in the world, the United States of America, just struggling to pay the bills? Why does he get to eat unflavored yogurt and crepes loaded with Nutella and bananas while real Americans are choking down Chicken McNuggets and microwave popcorn? It's wrong. It's un-American and it's wrong. I'll even take it a step further: it's not just un-American. It's anti-American. He's happy to take American dollars from over here and spend them in cute French patisseries; in a sense, he is using the greatest currency in the world, the United States of America dollar, to subsidize a country that didn't even want to invade Iraq! And he seems completely unapologetic about that fact. You asked why I am doing this? I can give you the answer to that question with one word: The United States of America.

I've reached out to Sedaris' publicist at Little, Brown but have yet to receive an official response. Meanwhile, Black just announced a contest on his blog to Transform Sedaris into a super-villian.

A Blatant Attempt to Draw New Readers to My Blog By Using Popular Search Terms as They Appear in Real Time on Dogpile.com’s SearchSpy Feature

“What happens if I mix Paxil with alcohol?” I wondered to myself one day, while working on my collaborative mail art. Yes, it had been a long day in the Chesapeake Bay Area, but my Yankee custom truck cap was still fresh, my Okuma saltwater rods were still in order, and my Subaru 2.5i speed parts were ready to go.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. It was the topless Olson twins.

“Come in,” I said, gesturing towards my free full length incest movies, “Let’s wrap ourselves in the Serenity bath towel collection and have a cum party."

They giggled, and sat. Did I have any advice about treating poison ivy, they asked. “No,” I said, “but I’ve got some rainbow lightning bolt clip art that will blow your mind.”

We had a good laugh about that, then read the Bette Midler 2008 review in the Richmond Times Dispatch. Ashley wondered if she was displaying any stomach cancer symptoms but Mary Kate and I assured her that it was just her pancreas location, and that a good lymphatic cleanse would make her feel good as new.

After a heated discussion about the Season 2 winner of Tila Tequila’s “Shot of Love,” we called it a night. They left me with a quote from the Tarahumara Indians of Mexico, which went something like this, “Wide oak knotty flooring and free violent commix will never replace the Tecumseh engine diagram when it comes to hot 13 yr. old guys.” I didn’t understand what the fuck they were talking about, but they were topless, so I let it go.

As I closed the door, I took out my pineapple slicer and thought about all the free legal advice I could have given them. I watched a quick teen home-made video, put on my republic of tea t-shirt, turned off the lights, and went to sleep. That night, my dreams were filled with foot doctors in Orlando.

[NOTE: You can watch Dogpile.com's Search Spy feature here.]

Announcing the First Ever “Transform David Spedaris Into A Supervillain” Contest

[NOTE: If you are new to David Sedaris's unprovoked feud with me, you can start by reading here.]

This is some exciting, exciting stuff. In my quest to rid the best-seller lists of all things Spedaris, I am pleased to announce this contest, which was created by my friend and blog-helper Steve Huff.

The idea is so simple it’s genius: take any photo of the cigarette-devouring David Sedaris and, using whatever media are at your disposal, alter that photo in such a way as to transform the internationally esteemed memoirist and beloved NPR contributor into a supervillain.

What kind of supervillain? That, Dear Reader, is up to you.

I will announce the top three finalists on July 2nd.  Then, two days later, on July 4th, the birthday of the greatest country in the world – a country which Mr. Sedaris has shunned for the Nutella-loving shores of France - I will announce the Grand Prize Winner!

What does that person win? The greatest prize in the history of prizes, that’s what: an autographed copy of my new book, “My Custom Van (and 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face”)! I will personally have my assistant make it out to you with the inscription of your choice. PLUS, you will also receive a gift certificate to Bath & Body Works for twelve dollars. Truly an amazing, amazing prize. Total retail value: over fifteen dollars!!!

Please name your Spedaris supervillain and include a brief description of whatever super-villain powers he may possess.

To submit: either post your entry (entries?) to your image hosting account (like flickr or photobucket), then post a link to the image in the comment section of my blog.

Or you can send it to randomlunatic@gmail.com as an attachment and put "David Sedaris Supervillain" in the heading.

Good luck, Godspeed, and may the best David Spedaris Supervillain Portraitist win.

(He's even starting to LOOK French!)

When Did Drew Barrymore’s Face Get So Big?

There are several upsetting things to mention about Drew Barrymore’s new “Covergirl Lashblast” commercial, but for me the oddest thing is that, apparently, she now has Giant Face. Her face looks absolutely huge, like it was accidentally switched with basketball analyst Bill Walton’s face in some kind of kooky science experiment.

What happened? Is this a condition caused by making out with drummers and Justin Long? Every time the camera comes closer to her than a full-body shot, I find myself thinking, “Somebody please get that girl some ice to decrease the swelling.” But nobody ever does.

Nobody ever does.

Then they give her the unfortunate line, “When it comes to lashes, I say the bigger the better.” Which of course, makes me say to myself, “Like your face.” Which isn’t nice to say, even to myself.

Another upsetting element is the product itself. This is for girls who want the hairiest eyelids in the world. It seems to be some kind of brush that transforms your eyelashes into eyelid moustaches. Is this something girls want for themselves? Because I know that whenever I find myself interested in a woman, it’s almost never because she has extremely hirsute eyelids. On the contrary, generally the more facial hair a woman has, the less interested I am.

The brush itself is also disturbing. At one point, Giant Face Drew says that it “towers over the leading brush.” Then they show the two brushes side-by-side, and by God it really does tower over the rather wimpy looking eyelash brush beside it. In other words, it is to the leading brush what I am to David Spedaris: huge.

In the next shot, she talks about the fact that it has “50% more bristles.” First of all the word “bristles” grosses me out. I always think of walruses, which are cute by themselves but when I transpose the idea of walrus faces onto my own face, I get a little nauseous. Then they do a magnification of the brush and when they get close to it, it looks exactly like a French tickler, which I’m sorry, simply isn’t appropriate.

The theme of this commercial seems to be, as GFD says, “bigger is better.” Bigger eyelashes, bigger face, bigger bristles, bigger annoying. Far be it from me to tell anybody not to do commercials, but Drew Barrymore is enough of a star that when she does do commercials in the future, she should probably ask the cameraman to take off the “Andre the Giant Face camera filter.” We would all be better off. 

For your perusal, here is the commercial: