Some Stream of Conscious Thoughts About Beer Commercials
Why is it that in the world of beer commercials, beer is presented as a more precious resource than gold? Guys in beer commercials are literally willing to do anything to get a beer, and yet, for some reason, the people presented in these beer commercials, the people who are risking life and limb for a drink, are shown as normal adult men who simply happen to be beer enthusiasts. My understanding is that there is a word in the English language for people who will literally do anything for alcohol, and that word is not “enthusiast.” The lengths that people in beer commercials will go to for a can of Budweiser or Coors or whatever are ridiculous. On one commercial I’ve seen recently, a guy carpets an apartment from floor to ceiling in an effort to get a beer. Wouldn’t it be easier for him to run over to the corner market and buy himself a beer? If he’s capable of carpeting an apartment, he’s obviously a skilled tradesman. Therefore, he’s clearly got a job. Maybe he should just do the job he was hired to do, installing carpet, and then take his pay and use a small portion of it to buy a beer? Unlike oil, our beer supply is pretty much unlimited. To my knowledge, we haven’t even come close to reaching “Peak Beer.” We’re not running out of the stuff and it’s readily available in most places. People don’t need to walk across deserts for it. They don’t need to teach their dogs tricks to win it. They really don’t need to do anything except go to 7-11. In my real life, generally a conversation about beer goes like this:
Person 1: “You want a beer?”
Person 2: “Sure.”
And then that’s pretty much it. Somebody might ask what kind of beer it is they are drinking. The other person might respond, and then that’s pretty much the end of beer talk. In a beer commercial, though, the conversation would be like this:
Person 1: “You want a beer?”
Person 2: “Oh my God – you have BEER?”
Person 1: “Yes, I do. A whole six pack.”
(Person 2 screams, faints, wakes up, faints again, wakes up again)
Person 1: “You want one?”
Person 2: “What do I have to do?”
Person 1: “You can start by impregnating my wife.”
Person 2: “No problem.”
Person 1: “You don’t understand. She has no ovaries.”
Person 2: “Then I will devote my life to creating artificial ovaries that I will implant in her. Then, because she will be too old to conceive by the time I accomplish that goal, I will create an anti-aging serum, which I will use to return her to her present age, and then I will fuck a beautiful little baby into her.” Person 1: “You do that, my friend, and you’ve got yourself a beer.”
This would be an appropriate means of obtaining yourself a beer in the world of beer commercials. Moreover, I don’t recognize the men in beer commercials. Who are these guys? Men are presented as both extremely horny and extremely thirsty at all times. When I am horny, I am never thirsty. And when I am thirsty, I am never horny. I can’t be both at the same time. And I am never reach the heights of horniness or thirstiness that guys in beer commercials attain. Not even close.
Beer commercials never ask the question: and then what? Okay, the guys have gotten their beers, and that’s the end of the story. It’s the commercial equivalent of the fairy tale ending “And they lived happily ever after.” Because in beer commercials, the beer is not the means to an end: it is the end. There is nowhere to go from beer, which makes me worry about what’s going to happen to these guys after the beer is gone. Some of them will undoubtedly get the girl. But in the world of beer commercials, women are presented as either an impediment to the beer or the post-beer goal. In other words, some women (girlfriends, wives) don’t want you to have beer because, in the world of beer commercials, beer represents freedom and fun. Beer represents your life before the woman in your life cut off your balls. But then there is also the other girl in beer commercials: the girl at the bar, the brunette who says little but is somehow interested in your proxy, the quirky beer commercial protagonist. At least she would be, if only he could somehow get her the beer. In other words, if only he could get her sufficiently lubricated with alcohol that she will sleep with him. But then what? Will he want to be with her again? And if so, won’t she eventually become his girlfriend? And, if so, won’t she them become the nagging harpy preventing him from hitting on other mysterious brunettes at the local watering hole? Yes she will. And what’s the only way to escape her clawing talons? You guessed it: beer.
I’m sorry, but beer just isn’t that magical. For one thing, it doesn’t even taste good. Milkshakes are a lot more delicious than beer. So why isn’t anybody advertising milkshakes like this? (And don’t tell me that milkshakes can’t get you drunk. Pour enough Kahlua in anything and you will get completely fucked up.) McDonalds should start running commercials for milkshakes in which groups of ethnically diverse teenagers order milkshakes and then start making out. They don’t have to go all the way, but they should at least play a little grabby ass after drinking a milkshake. Because milkshakes are so delicious that you will want to start exploring your friends’ bodies after drinking them – that’s a message I can get behind. Plus milkshakes come in so many more flavors than beer: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry to name the Big Three. Beer comes in one flavor: beer. And beer tastes the way the residue from a pan of Kraft macaroni and cheese smells. Like old sour sucky. The reason they have to advertise beer so aggressively is because it tastes like shit. Beer drinkers will undoubtedly disagree, but I would suggest to you that if you really love the taste of beer it is because you have been brainwashed. Think about it: when you go to a restaurant, nobody orders dishes made from delicious hops. “Does that come with hops?” is a question nobody ever asks their server. Because hops aren’t delicious. Hops have literally no other use than for beer. In other words, it’s a stupid plant. And beer is a stupid drink. And beer commercials are stupid except for the “Wazzup” guys, which was hilarious.
Check out this beer commercial, which has every single ingredient I have been discussing: particularly note how thirsty and horny he gets: