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May 24, 2008

Some Stream of Conscious Thoughts About Beer Commercials

Why is it that in the world of beer commercials, beer is presented as a more precious resource than gold? Guys in beer commercials are literally willing to do anything to get a beer, and yet, for some reason, the people presented in these beer commercials, the people who are risking life and limb for a drink, are shown as normal adult men who simply happen to be beer enthusiasts. My understanding is that there is a word in the English language for people who will literally do anything for alcohol, and that word is not “enthusiast.” The lengths that people in beer commercials will go to for a can of Budweiser or Coors or whatever are ridiculous. On one commercial I’ve seen recently, a guy carpets an apartment from floor to ceiling in an effort to get a beer. Wouldn’t it be easier for him to run over to the corner market and buy himself a beer? If he’s capable of carpeting an apartment, he’s obviously a skilled tradesman. Therefore, he’s clearly got a job. Maybe he should just do the job he was hired to do, installing carpet, and then take his pay and use a small portion of it to buy a beer? Unlike oil, our beer supply is pretty much unlimited. To my knowledge, we haven’t even come close to reaching “Peak Beer.” We’re not running out of the stuff and it’s readily available in most places. People don’t need to walk across deserts for it. They don’t need to teach their dogs tricks to win it. They really don’t need to do anything except go to 7-11.  In my real life, generally a conversation about beer goes like this:

Person 1: “You want a beer?”
Person 2: “Sure.”

And then that’s pretty much it. Somebody might ask what kind of beer it is they are drinking. The other person might respond, and then that’s pretty much the end of beer talk. In a beer commercial, though, the conversation would be like this:

Person 1: “You want a beer?”
Person 2: “Oh my God – you have BEER?”
Person 1: “Yes, I do. A whole six pack.”

(Person 2 screams, faints, wakes up, faints again, wakes up again)

Person 1: “You want one?”
Person 2: “What do I have to do?”
Person 1: “You can start by impregnating my wife.”
Person 2: “No problem.”
Person 1: “You don’t understand. She has no ovaries.”
Person 2: “Then I will devote my life to creating artificial ovaries that I will implant in her. Then, because she will be too old to conceive by the time I accomplish that goal, I will create an anti-aging serum, which I will use to return her to her present age, and then I will fuck a beautiful little baby into her.” Person 1: “You do that, my friend, and you’ve got yourself a beer.”

This would be an appropriate means of obtaining yourself a beer in the world of beer commercials. Moreover, I don’t recognize the men in beer commercials. Who are these guys? Men are presented as both extremely horny and extremely thirsty at all times. When I am horny, I am never thirsty. And when I am thirsty, I am never horny. I can’t be both at the same time. And I am never reach the heights of horniness or thirstiness that guys in beer commercials attain. Not even close.

Beer commercials never ask the question: and then what? Okay, the guys have gotten their beers, and that’s the end of the story. It’s the commercial equivalent of the fairy tale ending “And they lived happily ever after.” Because in beer commercials, the beer is not the means to an end: it is the end. There is nowhere to go from beer, which makes me worry about what’s going to happen to these guys after the beer is gone. Some of them will undoubtedly get the girl. But in the world of beer commercials, women are presented as either an impediment to the beer or the post-beer goal. In other words, some women (girlfriends, wives) don’t want you to have beer because, in the world of beer commercials, beer represents freedom and fun. Beer represents your life before the woman in your life cut off your balls. But then there is also the other girl in beer commercials: the girl at the bar, the brunette who says little but is somehow interested in your proxy, the quirky beer commercial protagonist. At least she would be, if only he could somehow get her the beer. In other words, if only he could get her sufficiently lubricated with alcohol that she will sleep with him. But then what? Will he want to be with her again? And if so, won’t she eventually become his girlfriend? And, if so, won’t she them become the nagging harpy preventing him from hitting on other mysterious brunettes at the local watering hole? Yes she will. And what’s the only way to escape her clawing talons? You guessed it: beer.

I’m sorry, but beer just isn’t that magical. For one thing, it doesn’t even taste good. Milkshakes are a lot more delicious than beer. So why isn’t anybody advertising milkshakes like this? (And don’t tell me that milkshakes can’t get you drunk. Pour enough Kahlua in anything and you will get completely fucked up.) McDonalds should start running commercials for milkshakes in which groups of ethnically diverse teenagers order milkshakes and then start making out. They don’t have to go all the way, but they should at least play a little grabby ass after drinking a milkshake. Because milkshakes are so delicious that you will want to start exploring your friends’ bodies after drinking them – that’s a message I can get behind. Plus milkshakes come in so many more flavors than beer: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry to name the Big Three. Beer comes in one flavor: beer. And beer tastes the way the residue from a pan of Kraft macaroni and cheese smells. Like old sour sucky. The reason they have to advertise beer so aggressively is because it tastes like shit. Beer drinkers will undoubtedly disagree, but I would suggest to you that if you really love the taste of beer it is because you have been brainwashed. Think about it: when you go to a restaurant, nobody orders dishes made from delicious hops. “Does that come with hops?” is a question nobody ever asks their server. Because hops aren’t delicious. Hops have literally no other use than for beer. In other words, it’s a stupid plant. And beer is a stupid drink. And beer commercials are stupid except for the “Wazzup” guys, which was hilarious.

Check out this beer commercial, which has every single ingredient I have been discussing: particularly note how thirsty and horny he gets:

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s.gothman

Sir, I want to live in your teenage McDonald's milkshake make-out commercial world.

Booooo, beer!

Therese

Ah, beer...inflames the libido, then takes away the ability to see it through...

Camille

I think I'd hand over my government stimulus check to see you,Wain and Sho do a "Wassssup" commercial,spoof or no.
And what is "old sour sucky"? Hilarious!
I'm eagerly awaiting your response.

(and let me be the first to jump in with the "I drink your milkshake" )

Reen

I agree with and enjoyed everything you wrote in regards to beer commercials. I take issue with you on the taste of beer, Amigo.

First of all - are you drinking yours ice cold? You need to stop drinking it all lukewarm and stuff. I know you're only doing what your German ancestors told you to do, but seriously, Kraut boy, beer tastes like pee-pee if it's at the temperature of spit. Secondly, you should experiment with varieties of beer. For instance, I like my beer like I like my men - sweet, dark, and foreign. A perfect example: Newcastle. I drink Newcastle by the truckload, and consequently can burp the alphabet 4 times over, which brings my husband to orgasm every time. An added plus - the name: "Newcastle". Makes me feel all princessy and shit.

Ok, I'm done being stupid here.

R_Bishop

ME: Wow, coming home from the beach and reading this blog by Michael Ian Black has really made me thirsty!

ROOMMATE: Who's Michael Ian Black?

ME: He's some sort of showbiz Jew. What do we have to drink?

ROOMMATE: (Opens fridge) We got soda, OJ, purple stuff and two kinds of beer.

ME: What flavor beer?

ROOMMATE: Light and Original.

ME: What's the difference? Nevermind, want to head through the drive through at McDonalds, get some milkshakes, and hump?

ROOMMATE: OK, but it's your turn to drive!

(Both chuckle)

ME: Shut the fuck up and drop this ecstasy, it's going to be a long night.

Jaime

Now is the part where all the beer drinkers school you on beer.

Because, in general, I generally agree with you, because, in general, most beer is stinky. Most. But here's another beer to try: Blue Moon's Honey Moon Summer ale made with clover and honey and orange peel. But it ain't a sweetie version of beer. No, it is not like the Vodka to Schmirnoff Ice conversion. It is real beer. Real yummy beer. Or Dos Equis with some lime. That's good beer.

But would I carpet a room from floor to ceiling for it? No. Would my stereotypically castrated husband need to create voodoo dolls to keep me from drinking it, necessitating an awkward spraying pee doll response (because I'm a girl)? Not likely. And why are all the beer lovers in these spots men? Why not feature a princessy alphabet-burping orgasm-inducing _female_ beer lover? Get on it Michael! The task is yours.

Z

I'm in the beer tastes yucky camp, but I do think that an occasional ice cold Asahi with sushi seems to satisfy better than my usual "Just water, please." Aquired taste, definitely.

I liked your real life exchanges versus the beer commercial ones. This was a great blog. Very funny.

ChloeJ82

You, sir, are my hero. Thank you. Beer sucks. Goodnight.

Erica

"Unlike oil, our beer supply is pretty much unlimited"

Check out this NPR story I heard the other day (yes, I'm a nerd).

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90483748

bedwetter71785

Beer gives me the strength to sing karaokee to increasingly beautiful women in bars. Milkshakes...aside from the icecream headaches make my diabetes rave as if on acid.

sarah

I LOVE YOU! even more after this line:

Pour enough Kahlua in anything and you will get completely fucked up.

and this line

And beer tastes the way the residue from a pan of Kraft macaroni and cheese smells.

so effing true!!! Kraft macaronie and cheese smells like my dads old reeboks and kahlua WILL get you veerry fucked up

feckineejit

Me: Yeah beer is an acquired taste.

My Boss: doesn't that just mean it tastes like shit?

Me: I...um...I guess.

Your boss

Feckineejit,
GET IN MY OFFICE RIGHT AWAY! YOU ARE FIRED FOR WRITING ON A BLOG DURING WORK HOURS!

-YOUR BOSS

Jenny

i admire you a lot for writing this entry.

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