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May 27, 2008

My Day Today

Spent the day flying to Portland, driving four hours from Portland to Quincy WA, and then performing at the Sasquatch Festival, which is a big outdoor music festival in the middle of nowhere. A couple thoughts about Sasquatch: first of all, there was a photo in USA Today of a mother grieving for her dead child after the China earthquake a couple weeks back. At the time I thought, “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” But then today I had to go to the bathroom at Sasquatch, and I went into the Port-A-Potty. When I opened the toilet seat to urinate, I realized that THAT was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Also, Flight of the Conchords were there performing on the main stage. You can read about my experience meeting them here. The main stage is a festival stage where thousands and thousands of people congregate to watch the biggest names in music perform: The Cure, The Flaming Lips, The Mars Volta, REM, etc. And then there was the comedy tent where a couple hundred people show up to try hear comedy over the sounds being performed by the aforementioned biggest names in music. I was up the same time that the Mars Volta was playing. Here’s what I learned about the Mars Volta during my comedy set: they are very loud and they do not care about me. If they did care about me, they would have been a little quieter because it’s very hard to do my subtle jokes about cumming guacamole with psychedelic Latin rock rattling my proverbial cage. (NOTE: I’m not sure exactly what I’m referring to when I talk about my “proverbial cage,” but it sounds good.) During my set, I did make a point, though, of reading my rejected children’s book, which you can read here. The audience there seemed to think it was terrific, and I remain convinced that my fucking idiot editor at Simon & Schuster (again, he’s not a fucking idiot – he’s a lovely man), is making a dreadful mistake by refusing to publish this book. I think he is literally throwing billions of dollars out the window. Not only in book sales, but in all the ancillary shit that comes along with writing an all-time classic in children’s literature: the merchandising, the t-shirts, the theme park attractions, the cartoons, etc. I’m not sure why my editor hates money so much. I had been reading “A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered” during my shows, but I have decided from now on I am going to read my rejected children’s book. Eventually, the public will be clamoring for a full, illustrated version complete with author’s photo of me splayed spread-eagle against a wall being frisked by a scantily clad female police officer. This is probably not an appropriate author’s photo for a children’s book, but I still think it would look awesome, and when push comes to shove, I am a maverick. What kind of maverick? The awesome kind. Tomorrow morning I drive the four hours back to Portland to get on a plane and return to Los Angeles, where I am living for the next few weeks as I complete work on this Comedy Central show. 

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Therese

I'm sorry the toilet was so horrific.

If it's any scant consolation, I've never heard of Mars Volta until today. And you should have revenge-snubbed the Conchords while you were there.

The author photo you suggest may not be appropriate for children, but it'll ensure the book sells to parents. And will probably spark an upsurge in sales of female cop costumes.

Have a safe flight back to LA.

Camille

Don't stop performing that children's book until McDonald's is stuffing sickly, spindly-looking narrator characters into Happy Meals.
Thanks for not including a pic of the Port-a-Potty contents.
Are you still having leakage problems? I'd send over our Spongebob tv tray but you forgot to include your hotel name/#. I'm sure that was just an oversight;)

Reen

I know the hotel Cam, everyone does, HELLLOOO. All of the info is on some web site, along with a pic of the room service tray that Michael left outside his hotel door. He uses a lot of salt packets. Also, the site had a complete listing of what he had in his trash. Again, a lot of salt packets.

Michael Black, you certainly are the jet-setting-on-the-go celebrity. You're flying here, driving there, performing here, on camera there. My poor head is on a swivel just thinking about it, for Heaven sakes. (Read: with the price of gas lately I am unable to stalk effectively which causes cantankerous mood swings and chin pimples).

Hope your filming goes well and you enjoy your stay in L.A. (See how I switched right back to typing something normal as opposed to creepy? It's as if I think you have completely forgotten what I just typed to you up above! So funny, right? Memento - it's not just a candy, it's a mind set!)

Jaime

You perform well under pressure. I think back to a horribly dark rainy unlit stuffed-with-standing-cold-people tent outside of The Mohawk on a bleary February night. How this setting is conducive to comedy, I do not know.

And yet, you kept us warm by verbally cumming guacamole and Dr. Pepper. That sounds disgusting, but it was really quite effectual. Good job. I have no doubt that if you perform your Futurescansh while performing impromptu hip-hop, the clamor for rejecting vegetables will be deafening. Tally ho!

Jaime

I want some fresh-making Mementos (they are not vegetables).

Wait, who are you?

mike

nice, i love that children's story. it's definitely what sold me on the blog.

p.s. lol, as a fan of mars volta i can easily see how that would pose a bit of a problem.

lori

i saw your performance and absolutely loved it. however, i must make one minor correction - the mobile toilets are, in fact, called "honey buckets" and not the generic "port-a-potty" as you mentioned.

and if you thought the honey buckets that were available to you stars, just imagine what they looked like near my tent. talk about images of death.

sarah

so did you redeem yourself with the flight of the conchords? I cant believe they dont know you. what the hull?! you were in spy tv for moses' sake!

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