My Day Today
Spent the day flying to Portland, driving four hours from Portland to Quincy WA, and then performing at the Sasquatch Festival, which is a big outdoor music festival in the middle of nowhere. A couple thoughts about Sasquatch: first of all, there was a photo in USA Today of a mother grieving for her dead child after the China earthquake a couple weeks back. At the time I thought, “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” But then today I had to go to the bathroom at Sasquatch, and I went into the Port-A-Potty. When I opened the toilet seat to urinate, I realized that THAT was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Also, Flight of the Conchords were there performing on the main stage. You can read about my experience meeting them here. The main stage is a festival stage where thousands and thousands of people congregate to watch the biggest names in music perform: The Cure, The Flaming Lips, The Mars Volta, REM, etc. And then there was the comedy tent where a couple hundred people show up to try hear comedy over the sounds being performed by the aforementioned biggest names in music. I was up the same time that the Mars Volta was playing. Here’s what I learned about the Mars Volta during my comedy set: they are very loud and they do not care about me. If they did care about me, they would have been a little quieter because it’s very hard to do my subtle jokes about cumming guacamole with psychedelic Latin rock rattling my proverbial cage. (NOTE: I’m not sure exactly what I’m referring to when I talk about my “proverbial cage,” but it sounds good.) During my set, I did make a point, though, of reading my rejected children’s book, which you can read here. The audience there seemed to think it was terrific, and I remain convinced that my fucking idiot editor at Simon & Schuster (again, he’s not a fucking idiot – he’s a lovely man), is making a dreadful mistake by refusing to publish this book. I think he is literally throwing billions of dollars out the window. Not only in book sales, but in all the ancillary shit that comes along with writing an all-time classic in children’s literature: the merchandising, the t-shirts, the theme park attractions, the cartoons, etc. I’m not sure why my editor hates money so much. I had been reading “A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered” during my shows, but I have decided from now on I am going to read my rejected children’s book. Eventually, the public will be clamoring for a full, illustrated version complete with author’s photo of me splayed spread-eagle against a wall being frisked by a scantily clad female police officer. This is probably not an appropriate author’s photo for a children’s book, but I still think it would look awesome, and when push comes to shove, I am a maverick. What kind of maverick? The awesome kind. Tomorrow morning I drive the four hours back to Portland to get on a plane and return to Los Angeles, where I am living for the next few weeks as I complete work on this Comedy Central show.