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May 24, 2008

Just Read an Article About Blogging and I Have a Problem With a Blood Stain

An interesting article about blogging in today's New York Times Magazine . It recounts how one of the editors at Gawker allowed herself to be sucked into the attention whoring vortex that is blogging. I, of course, would never allow myself to fall so far. After all, I get my attention and self-esteem the old-fashioned way: by appearing on low-rated cable television programs.

On a separate note, I have a slightly embarrassing problem to deal with. At the moment I am in living in a hotel in Los Angeles. This evening after work, I brought home some food in a styrofoam container, which I then ate with my fingers while sitting in front of the TV watching a basketball game I did not care about. That is not the problem, although it is sad. The problem is that, when I got up to throw away my trash, I noticed that there was a large, blood-colored stain on the bedsheet. At first, I couldn't figure it was, but after a minute I realized that my food (some of which was red meat) somehow leaked through the container and onto the bedsheet, producing a stain that looked like the residue from some particularly unsavory sexual act. My problem is, I am very embarrassed about what the housekeeper is going to think. Normally I don't spend a lot of time worrying about that sort of thing, but this is a particularly nasty-looking stain:

Photo_123

It kind of looks like a map of Europe. I'd like to leave a note for the housekeeping staff apologizing for the stain and explaining what it is. Perhaps in my note I could mention that the stain looks like Europe and could serve as a metaphor for that continent's blood-soaked history, but I suppose that's probably taking things too far. Also, a note would probably just call further attention to something they deal with every day, and she probably wouldn't believe me, anyway. Looking at it again, I'm not even sure that I believe me.

I'm so glad I don't get rely on blogging for attention and self-esteem.

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Therese

OK, this is way gross, but I happen to know that saliva will get rid of blood stains.

It contains some kind of enzyme or something that breaks down the proteins in blood. So what I's saying is, spit on it. And, if it's from your food, just suck on that mo'fo' until the stain is soggy, then take it off the bed and wash it in the bathroom. If you just wet the stain area, and it comes out, you can just tell them you spilt a glass of water on it.

Failing that, steal a clean sheet from the housekeeper's trolley, and throw that one away somewhere far from the hotel.

If you do ever need to blog for self-esteem, we have a metric shit ton of attention with which to bolster it.

Reen

Because my geography stinks, to me the stain looks like a "thumbs down" hand. It also looks a bit like an atomic bomb going off. Oh we could talk about that stain for hours! Anyway, the housekeeper is going to think you deflowered a virgin.

Therese has all sorts of homeopathic and cool natural ways of doing things. I would follow her advice and spit on that sucker until you were almost deyhdrated. Then, for your trouble, suck down some Gatorade.

If that doesn't work for you, cut the stain out, and then cut it into several little squares. Package each square and sell them individually on ebay, the way The Beatles would have, if they could have.

Why you blog isn't important. What is important is that you continue doing it until you die. That way we can be entertained until WE die. Deal?

Camille

All that spitting seems like a lot of work. Just order the same thing for every night you are there and make sure it drips on a different spot each time. By the end you will have a new brownish-red sheet. No one will be the wiser.
(and fess up-you weren't watching bball, you were watching A Shot At Love,weren't you?)

R_Bishop

Well, I'd say it's pretty obvious that it's hooker menstrual fluids... hopefully there aren't any bears within a 10 mile radius, to them hooker menstruation smells like money... piles upon piles of it. And to people, hooker fluids just smell like perfumed sweat and guilt.

Jaime

Don't put your mouth on that thing! Don't you people watch Monk or CSI or CSI:NY or CSI:Miami or CSI:Buddhapest? Those sheets are crawling with _invisible_ hooker menstruation fluid and probably a little bear jiz. I am sure that bear has already cum and gone. Don't tell him to suck the sheet! Seriously. Burn the sheet.
In fact, burn the whole ghastly room! Hide the sheet in your suitcase until the end of your stay, light the germ-infested place on fire, and toss said cruddy sheet as you walk out in a blaze of glory, get your room comped for your trauma, and escape germ and sheet free. Sans licking!

P.S. You are so hot and awesome. Praise praise applaud applaud fawn fawn -- faint. (I just threw that in anyway. Put it in the bank.)

Jaime

That does look like a thumbs down sign. The stain disapproves of existing. It wants to burn.

rooney

I laughed at this entry and the many many before this one. i kind of can see this incident being in a sitcom, but one that gets canceled after the first season because the humor isn't accepted by a broad audience. keep blogging.

Z

I would just ball up the sheets and throw them on the floor in a heap, stain hidden inside. Perhaps lump it together with your bathroom towels so that it all just gets dumped into the laundry bin, the housekeeper none the wiser. And next time, do like the classy people do, lay a clean towel down on the bed and create a proper picnic for yourself.

I think that if you tilt your head to the right just a bit, the stain looks like an old-fashioned indian with a big nose, or a puppy dog's head and neck but with an old man's face on it.

Good article in the NY Times. Thanks for the preview. I know that I always enjoy any personal tidbits you throw in, whether any of them are true or not, and although it does contribute to the strange feeling of a connection of a sort, a kind of friendship, but not, I am glad that you put yourself out there.

Jaime

Seeing pictures in the meat stain is almost as fun as watching clouds, but with less bugs and pokey grass. I totally see an old-fashioned Indian (really, Native American folks, c'mon now, get with it) in the meat stain. Plus, I like saying "meat stain." It is decidedly disgusting. I'm a fan of that.

Rob

Own that blood stain.

Ralph

Hey, I just listened to your comedy album. I enjoyed it very much. I also bought Michael Showalter's, and I was not as impressed with his album as much as I was with yours.

I bet everyone on here has your album already, but if not, I recommend it highly.

Tonto

"old-fashioned indian with a big nose"

Hey,me represent-um that remark!

B.C.

looks like a menstrual stain.

whether thats better or worse then an "unsavory sex act" is entirely up to you.

Dew

I don't believe you.

Nicola

That "food stain" sure got pretty out of hand before you noticed it...

Because I'm a loser, I read the entire NY times article. (There's nothing like a ten page article to assist in procrastination-- I am heading westward myself tomorrow and the last thing I should be doing right now is leisurely reading on my laptop) It reminded me of when I re-read all of my old Live Journal entries from high school a year or so ago and wanted to shoot myself in the face. You've got the right idea with witty anecdotes... reading your earlier self's most sincere and honest commentary and realizing you sound like a fucking idiot is not fun.

me again

Commenters that are "fans, sycophantically praising even my lamer efforts"? That's crazy! I'm so glad that kind of stuff never happens around here.

That is the most beautiful meat stain I've ever laid eyes on, by the way.

feckineejit

Was it bacon? Hookers and bears love bacon.

Jenny. bloggess

It looks like a cartoon speech balloon. You should write "Hello, I'm your sheet." inside it.

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