"Iron Man" Review
Before I get to “Iron Man,” I have a question concerning the Hulk. I can accept that Bruce Banner, because of an overdose of gamma radiation, grows to gigantic, some would say hulkish proportions, when his body chemistry or adrenaline or whatever it is that activates his hulkdom kicks in. But what I can’t understand is why his pants also grow when he grows. What kind of pants are these? The only thing I can think of is that they are some sort of lycra blend like you might find at Capezio dance stores or some sort of special stretchy pants like you might find at Wal-Mart. But I don’t feel like Bruce Banner is the kind of guy who shops at either Capezio or Wal-Mart. Plus, even if they are lycra/stretchy pants, that still doesn’t explain the belt. How does his belt grow in proportion to the rest of his body? And how do his pants and belt repair themselves when he returns to his normal self? Any information on this subject would be greatly appreciated.
As for “Iron Man,” I went in with low expectations because I don’t usually enjoy superhero movies because of the logic problems. See: above inquiry about the Hulk. However, I enjoyed the last “Batman” because I enjoy “creation mythology,” and I enjoyed “Iron Man” for the same reason. I like to understand why things are the way they are – this may be because I am all Jewy and that’s what Jews do. Like Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark is an eccentric, playboy millionaire who runs an international conglomerate. Unlike Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark sports Color Me Badd facial hair. I wanted him to break out into highly choreographed dance moves throughout the film, but was disappointed at every turn. The only time he dances at all is briefly with Pepper Potts (portrayed by Mrs. Chris Martin), and the dancing was, at best, lackluster.
Now I know that Iron Man should not be judged on dance alone. But come on – there should be at least be SOME fresh Timberlakean dance moves in a film of this length. In India, they’re always breaking into song and dance, which begs the question: why does Iron Man hate Hindus?
Like I said, though, I enjoyed the movie. Some highlights: I like that Tony Stark eats Burger King instead of McDonalds. When returning from captivity, the first thing he asks for is a cheeseburger. He’s a billionaire, and could have any cheeseburger he wants. Plus he lives in California, which means he could even have In-N-Out burgers, but he chose Burger King. Why? Is it the flame broiling, which could be read as a subtle foreshadowing of the Iron Man suit he is about to build? Or is it that he just prefers the taste of Burger King? I don’t know. This point is never explained in the movie. I’m assuming the director John Favreau will discuss it in his director’s commentary on the DVD. I CAN’T WAIT!!!
Another thing I liked about this movie: Gwyneth’s hair. Whether it was up or down, disheveled or in a neat updo. She really worked those auburn locks. Corkscrew curls never looked better, and even though she’s kind of flat, I’d still totally titty fuck her. Question: could I just titty fuck her hair? Is that even possible? I’m going to make a note to myself to investigate this further.
Why did John Favreau bother casting himself as Robert Downey Jr.’s limo driver? Was there nobody else who could stand behind Robert Downey Jr. when he played craps? Didn’t he have enough on his plate without having to worry about creating a fully fleshed out character as complicated as the unnamed limo driver? That kind of bugged me. It’s on thing if you’re Alfred Hitchcock to give yourself a little cameo, but this was an actual part, albeit a lame, almost non-speaking part. Why did he feel the need to cast himself? I can think of lots of people who could have played that role, including literally ANYBODY.
Another question: it’s one thing to design a suit like that in a couple months. But it’s quite another thing to design all the machinery required to put the suit on. There were several dozen robots needed to get him dressed. How did he find the time to design all of them in addition to the suit? And if the robots are required to put the suit on, why is it so easy for him to take the suit off? At the end of the movie, when his power is drained, he says “I gotta get this thing off,” and he just undoes the chin strap and his whole mask falls away. Why can’t he just snap the chin strap on when he wants to get dressed up?
You might think this is nitpicking, but when you are considering becoming a superhero as I am, you need to have these kinds of questions answered.
All in all, as I said, it was a fine time at the movies and I would heartily recommend “Iron Man” for anybody who has yet to see it.