logo PRE-ORDER NOW

« My Day Today | Main | Some Advice on How to Deal With Stress »

May 28, 2008

"Iron Man" Review

Before I get to “Iron Man,” I have a question concerning the Hulk. I can accept that Bruce Banner, because of an overdose of gamma radiation, grows to gigantic, some would say hulkish proportions, when his body chemistry or adrenaline or whatever it is that activates his hulkdom kicks in. But what I can’t understand is why his pants also grow when he grows. What kind of pants are these? The only thing I can think of is that they are some sort of lycra blend like you might find at Capezio dance stores or some sort of special stretchy pants like you might find at Wal-Mart. But I don’t feel like Bruce Banner is the kind of guy who shops at either Capezio or Wal-Mart. Plus, even if they are lycra/stretchy pants, that still doesn’t explain the belt. How does his belt grow in proportion to the rest of his body? And how do his pants and belt repair themselves when he returns to his normal self? Any information on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

As for “Iron Man,” I went in with low expectations because I don’t usually enjoy superhero movies because of the logic problems. See: above inquiry about the Hulk. However, I enjoyed the last “Batman” because I enjoy “creation mythology,” and I enjoyed “Iron Man” for the same reason. I like to understand why things are the way they are – this may be because I am all Jewy and that’s what Jews do. Like Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark is an eccentric, playboy millionaire who runs an international conglomerate. Unlike Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark sports Color Me Badd facial hair. I wanted him to break out into highly choreographed dance moves throughout the film, but was disappointed at every turn. The only time he dances at all is briefly with Pepper Potts (portrayed by Mrs. Chris Martin), and the dancing was, at best, lackluster.

Now I know that Iron Man should not be judged on dance alone. But come on – there should be at least be SOME fresh Timberlakean dance moves in a film of this length. In India, they’re always breaking into song and dance, which begs the question: why does Iron Man hate Hindus?

Like I said, though, I enjoyed the movie. Some highlights: I like that Tony Stark eats Burger King instead of McDonalds. When returning from captivity, the first thing he asks for is a cheeseburger. He’s a billionaire, and could have any cheeseburger he wants. Plus he lives in California, which means he could even have In-N-Out burgers, but he chose Burger King. Why? Is it the flame broiling, which could be read as a subtle foreshadowing of the Iron Man suit he is about to build? Or is it that he just prefers the taste of Burger King? I don’t know. This point is never explained in the movie. I’m assuming the director John Favreau will discuss it in his director’s commentary on the DVD. I CAN’T WAIT!!!

Another thing I liked about this movie: Gwyneth’s hair. Whether it was up or down, disheveled or in a neat updo. She really worked those auburn locks. Corkscrew curls never looked better, and even though she’s kind of flat, I’d still totally titty fuck her. Question: could I just titty fuck her hair? Is that even possible? I’m going to make a note to myself to investigate this further.

Why did John Favreau bother casting himself as Robert Downey Jr.’s limo driver? Was there nobody else who could stand behind Robert Downey Jr. when he played craps? Didn’t he have enough on his plate without having to worry about creating a fully fleshed out character as complicated as the unnamed limo driver? That kind of bugged me. It’s on thing if you’re Alfred Hitchcock to give yourself a little cameo, but this was an actual part, albeit a lame, almost non-speaking part. Why did he feel the need to cast himself? I can think of lots of people who could have played that role, including literally ANYBODY.

Another question: it’s one thing to design a suit like that in a couple months. But it’s quite another thing to design all the machinery required to put the suit on. There were several dozen robots needed to get him dressed. How did he find the time to design all of them in addition to the suit? And if the robots are required to put the suit on, why is it so easy for him to take the suit off? At the end of the movie, when his power is drained, he says “I gotta get this thing off,” and he just undoes the chin strap and his whole mask falls away. Why can’t he just snap the chin strap on when he wants to get dressed up?

You might think this is nitpicking, but when you are considering becoming a superhero as I am, you need to have these kinds of questions answered.

All in all, as I said, it was a fine time at the movies and I would heartily recommend “Iron Man” for anybody who has yet to see it.

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00e54edada5e883300e5529eb3328834

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference "Iron Man" Review:

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Therese

I saw the trailer for Iron Man whilst at the cinema to watch the New Indiana Jones. I was with my 7 year old daughter, and even she wanted to watch Iron Man after seeing the trailer. I surmise however, that she's confusing it with The Iron Giant, which they've been reading at school.

There must be some eccentric multi-millionaire out there who's willing to finance your research into titty-fucking Gwyneth's hair.

Camille

Perhaps Tony prefers B.K. for the prompt bowel evacuation it offers upon eating one of their flame broiled atrocities.

I think one of your super hero powers should be over-analyzing.teehee! (just jokin' wit choo)

Maybe the Hulk could use these:
http://www.patentstorm.us/patents/6880175/claims.html

ChloeJ82

But would you titty fuck Robert Downey Jr is the real question...

Reen

Good God this was funny from start to finish. You sold me on the movie, and I suspect I'll be giggling at parts no one else is because of this blog. I further dig on the fact that you posted at like 3am. That west coast time change has done turned you into The Vampire Lestat.

Ok, so. As a flat chick, I can tell you, I've had many a man try to substitute my hair for grown woman tits. They mumble something about them both being "soft and furry". Whatever. Men have EVEN tried substituting my vagina for the same reasons. Piss. Me Off. I was NOT born yesterday!

Anyway, t-fng via locks only worked for me in the 80's when "Something about Mary" hair gel was all cool and shit.

(And yes, Sailor, I'd love it if you add my story to your investigative report. But don't use my real name. Use Reen instead. No one will ever know that way).

Therese

Is now a good time to point out to you, Reen, that an ingredient used in some luxury hair products can extend the survival and increase the movement of sperm?

Reen

So in order to have fulfilled my dream of being a Brady Bunch mom, all I *really* had to do was rub salon-purchased Mousse all over my luvahs wiener (or is it "weiner"? OR is it "prick"?)????

Wtf! Amazing!

Reen

So in order to have fulfilled my dream of being a Brady Bunch mom, all I *really* had to do was rub salon-purchased Mousse all over my luvahs wiener (or is it "weiner"? OR is it "prick"?)????

Wtf! Amazing!

Camille

You ladies sure are saucy talkin'. Oh my...the vapors!

me again

I can't believe there's a book tour and it's skipping LA. I thought you loved us. How many hand jobs does a person have to give around here???

Therese

If hand jobs are what it takes to get Michael to visit one's town, then somebody pass me the lube...

Robert Shapiro of LegalZoom.com

Robert Downey Jr. is awesome because after he eats the burger, he does a BIG line of cocaine and pops some pills with the last sip of his soda. PCP I bet, because it makes you superhero-strong.

Edward J Grug III

Bruce Banner's oants got pelted with radiation too, duh.

And on a nerdy side note, I think Fav's casting himself as Happy Hogan, the limo driver, was more just because he looks a LOT like the character in the book, and it was pretty funny on it's own. Kind of a nod to the fans, I think.

Edward J Grug III

And of course by "oants" I mean "pants."

bogmanjoe

hey ur that gay demon of reaper wow batman ftw

kendrah

i have always had the same problem with the hulk. and no matter what pants he is wearing when he gets irritated, they all turn a deep luxurious shade of purple.

perhaps edward norton can explain this in the next (but not sequel, just doing it better than eric bana cuz they can) Hulk movie.

Susanna

Hey, if the Hulk's pants are growing, that means that everything...um..."else" is growing down there, too. I'd certainly wouldn't mind taking a sneaky peak at that (and you would too, admit it).

Keith

Hulk's pants are made of unstable molecules, just as the Fantastic Four's uniforms are. Say, for realism's sake, Bruce Banner's pants rip into shreds when he turns into Hulk. Could you ever concentrate on the action with Hulk-dong flopping around like a fat green boa constictor? The mind boggles.

Keith

For clarity's sake, I should add that I realize that "unstable molecules" are a ridiculous premise Stan Lee came up with in order to answer these sorts of questions and are kind of an in-joke comic nerds like to refer to occasionally these days.

Meghan

I have an answer to why Tony Stark asks for BK instead of McDonald's.
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/06/09/2008-06-09_burger_king_helped_me_beat_addiction_rob.html

Apparently, RDJ was driving around with some drugs in his car and he decided to go to BK for a burger. He apparently had an epiphany while having his burger and tossed his drugs into the ocean. So he credits BK for helping him clean up.

Meghan

I have an answer to why Tony Stark asks for BK instead of McDonald's.
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/06/09/2008-06-09_burger_king_helped_me_beat_addiction_rob.html

Apparently, RDJ was driving around with some drugs in his car and he decided to go to BK for a burger. He apparently had an epiphany while having his burger and tossed his drugs into the ocean. So he credits BK for helping him clean up.

Meghan

I have an answer to why Tony Stark asks for BK instead of McDonald's.
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/06/09/2008-06-09_burger_king_helped_me_beat_addiction_rob.html

Apparently, RDJ was driving around with some drugs in his car and he decided to go to BK for a burger. He apparently had an epiphany while having his burger and tossed his drugs into the ocean. So he credits BK for helping him clean up.

adidasshoes

Adidas knows the shoes became famous in the shoe bazaar as a casual shoe because of the gazelle ongoing in the Adidas Porsche Design sneakers.However, within four decades,Cheap adidas shoes have reserved manufacturers in continual production of Adidas Rod Laver for more than four decades. Our Gucci outlet online store are offering Gucci new released collections and discount Gucci bags, Gucci handbags, Gucci wallets, Gucci purses, Gucci totes, shoes etc.
http://www.adidas-cheap.com/
http://www.outlet-gucci.com/
http://www.outlet-gucci.com/gucci-handbags-c-1.html
http://www.adidas-cheap.com/adidas-superstar-c-6.html
http://www.adidas-cheap.com/adidas-campus-c-3.html

The comments to this entry are closed.