Have you ever been driving along in your car and thought to yourself, “How am I going to safely scratch off these scratch-off lottery tickets without stopping?” Well, I have. Many times.
Now you may think to yourself, “Hey, why does a celebrity like you need to purchase scratch-off lottery tickets in which the grand prize is less than you make for one day of work selling soda pop to Jim Gaffigan?” The answer, of course, is the publicity. Just imagine if I actually won the grand prize. The paparazzi would go papanutso! I can already imagine the photos in US Weekly:
“Lottery winner and very famous Michael Ian Black strolls through the park with a mysterious blonde on his arm.” (NOTE: the "mysterious blonde" would be a rental.)
“Scratch-off lottery player and itchy-balled comedian Michael Ian Black hams it up for the cameras at celebrity hangout Shakey’s Pizza.”
“Lucky duck Michael Ian Black prances around the streets of Hollywood with his big oversized check proclaiming him a scratch-off lottery winner while new pal Nick Lachey watches.”
All of these are great fantasy photos which any weekly tabloid would be lucky to have.
But back to my original quandary: a lot of times I’m driving along with a pile of sixty or eighty scratch-off lottery tickets to scratch off, and I have neither a free hand nor a coin with which to do so.
(Incidentally, this is also a HUGE problem every year when McDonalds has its Monopoly promotion.)
Solution: a wrong-side ridged steering wheel.
Allow me to explain. If I put serrated ridges on the backside of my steering wheel, I can scratch off the lottery ticket WHILE DRIVING THE CAR! And best of all, my hand would never have to leave the steering wheel. GPS and built-in DVD players are fine automotive accoutrements, but neither of them will help you win cash for life. This idea will.
Maybe you think, “Hey Michael Ian Black, why don’t you just scratch off your lottery tickets at the package goods store where you purchase them?” Because I don’t need every alky in my town knowing that I spend two to three hundred dollars a day on scratch-off lottery tickets. They wouldn’t understand that those tickets are an investment in my future. Instead they would just give me that look that says, “Do you know how many malt beverages I could buy with all that money?” As a matter of fact I do know, because I spend just as much on malt liquor as I do on lottery tickets. Why do I drink so much malt liquor? That should be obvious to everybody- for the street cred.
It’s possible you are now thinking to yourself, “Michael Ian Black sounds kind of skuzzy.” To that, I have no response. Especially because the place where I am usually driving to when scratching off those tickets is the dog track. When you combine the scratch-off lottery tickets, the malt liquor beverages, and the amount of time I spend at the dog track, I will readily concede that it doesn’t add up to a pretty picture.
On the other hand, maybe I could spin my somewhat debauched (but endearing) lifestyle as a Charles Bukowski kind of eccentricity. Or like a Robert Downey Jr. kind of feel good comeback story. Or maybe I can just say I’m doing research for a part - a part which, admittedly, has yet to be written.
My hope is that the patent I expect to receive for my wrong-sided ridged steering wheel will prove to be so profitable that I will be able to finally kick my scratch-off lottery ticket habit for good. Ditto for the dog track. Ditto for the malt liquor. I will replace those bad habits with better ones: healthy eating, brisk walks, and high quality opium that I will smoke from a crystal hookah.
Or maybe I will just keep doing what I’m doing because it's awesome.