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May 14, 2008

"Don't Drop the Soap"

While in the shower this morning, I accidentally dropped the soap. Whenever this happens, I am reminded of a warning given to young men throughout history when they find themselves in a situation in which they are showering with a large group of other men. Somebody will inevitably say, “Don’t drop the soap,” which is supposed to imply that if you DO drop the soap, one of your fellow bathers will rape you. It only occurred to me today what a stupid thing to say that is. If somebody is going to rape you in the shower, it seems to me they are not going to wait for you to drop the soap to do it. They will probably just go ahead and rape you. Whether you manage to hold onto the soap or not is most likely beside the point. Because that’s the nature of rape. It’s not the kind of activity where an asshole presents itself and a fellow suddenly thinks to himself, “Hey I could rape that!” Unless, perhaps, you are showering with a bunch of rapists. Then maybe a person would have that thought. But if you ARE showering with a group of rapists, then I have to believe you are either a rapist yourself or you are the kind of person who has terrible judgment. Either way, in that situation, there is a chance you are going to get raped. But as I said, NOT because you dropped the soap.

Nor do I think your dropping the soap will be interpreted as a subtle invitation to insert their wieners into your butt the way a lady dropping a handkerchief is a subtle invitation for a favored gentleman to begin courting. The only way I could see somebody making this mistake is if, when dropping the soap, you decide to retrieve it by spreading yourself spread-eagle, asshole agape. Then, perhaps, I could see a fellow bather wondering to himself, “Is he trying to send me a signal?” But it would take a pretty confident man to think to himself, “Yes, he IS sending me a signal. And the signal he is sending me is, he wants my dick up his butt. I will oblige.” I just don’t see that happening.

If you are still worried, a word of advice: if you do find yourself in a situation in which you are showering with a bunch of other gentlemen, and you drop the soap, simply retrieve it by lowering yourself to the floor with your asshole down, not out. Not only will this discourage anybody from inserting themselves into you, but I also think it’s just good manners.

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Therese

Using shower gel, in a handy hanging bottle, also eliminates 'accidental' ass rape.

Ralph

You are my David Sedaris, and it is making me sick.

Susanna

It's so easy to misread rape signals.

Camille

You dropped your Irish Spring this morning, didn't you?

me again

All I know about ass raping, I learned from Michael Ian Black. You're really gonna get some good google searches now.

me again

Oh and welcome back Ralph Veenema from Boston. Way to talk shit and then link to your personal blog that includes pictures of yourself and place of employment. Really brilliant. Don't drop the soap.*

*I don't mean that menacingly. I don't even have a penis!

Taylor

You can probably find something of that nature if you click on my name! Rape! Yay!

Reen

Very funny! Your thought process never ceases to amaze me. And you don't even do drugs!

Coincidence? I had just set up my plastic bee's on my file cabinet in a "discreet" butt sex position when I read this blog.

Ladies don't drop bars of soap in the shower. We use overpriced shower gels on poofs, as I'm sure you are aware. I'm sure you are also aware that we never shower unless it's with our giggling girlfriends. We lather each other up while men with plaid pants take pictures of us for seedy web sites.

(I always write the most. That's not good).

Matt

"The only way I could see somebody making this mistake is if, when dropping the soap, you decide to retrieve it by spreading yourself spread-eagle, asshole agape."

This is one of the funniest lines from any of your blogs... ever.

Marius

Can you please blog about rim jobs. I think it's a very important topic that is just so often neglected. People need to know. Heck, my friend Renee didn't even know what that was!

Mariuseseseses Friend Renee

OMG!

Brittany

It's not rape, it's forced love.

Calhoun

Holy god, the 2nd paragraph made my day!

thank you sir.

Ashley

I made the mistake of reading that in the confines of a silent library. Thanks a lot, Black. Now I'm the asshole laughing out loud by themselves in the third row of computers behind the information desk.
You!!

But seriously, that's the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

Chris

When showering with a large group of people, I don't usually even bring soap with me. I bring anal lube. This is probably why it's rare for me to shower with large groups of people. I think it's the whole weirdness of bringing anal lube into a shower that puts them off because we all know that anal lube cannot cleanse a body the way soap does. That and I'm always trying to put stuff in their butts. Yeah, I shower alone mostly.

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