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May 30, 2008

An Idea I Have for a Car

Have you ever been driving along in your car and thought to yourself, “How am I going to safely scratch off these scratch-off lottery tickets without stopping?” Well, I have. Many times.

Now you may think to yourself, “Hey, why does a celebrity like you need to purchase scratch-off lottery tickets in which the grand prize is less than you make for one day of work selling soda pop to Jim Gaffigan?” The answer, of course, is the publicity. Just imagine if I actually won the grand prize. The paparazzi would go papanutso! I can already imagine the photos in US Weekly:

“Lottery winner and very famous Michael Ian Black strolls through the park with a mysterious blonde on his arm.” (NOTE: the "mysterious blonde" would be a rental.)

“Scratch-off lottery player and itchy-balled comedian Michael Ian Black hams it up for the cameras at celebrity hangout Shakey’s Pizza.”

“Lucky duck Michael Ian Black prances around the streets of Hollywood with his big oversized check proclaiming him a scratch-off lottery winner while new pal Nick Lachey watches.”

All of these are great fantasy photos which any weekly tabloid would be lucky to have.

But back to my original quandary: a lot of times I’m driving along with a pile of sixty or eighty scratch-off lottery tickets to scratch off, and I have neither a free hand nor a coin with which to do so.

(Incidentally, this is also a HUGE problem every year when McDonalds has its Monopoly promotion.)

Solution: a wrong-side ridged steering wheel.

Allow me to explain. If I put serrated ridges on the backside of my steering wheel, I can scratch off the lottery ticket WHILE DRIVING THE CAR! And best of all, my hand would never have to leave the steering wheel. GPS and built-in DVD players are fine automotive accoutrements, but neither of them will help you win cash for life. This idea will.

Maybe you think, “Hey Michael Ian Black, why don’t you just scratch off your lottery tickets at the package goods store where you purchase them?” Because I don’t need every alky in my town knowing that I spend two to three hundred dollars a day on scratch-off lottery tickets. They wouldn’t understand that those tickets are an investment in my future. Instead they would just give me that look that says, “Do you know how many malt beverages I could buy with all that money?” As a matter of fact I do know, because I spend just as much on malt liquor as I do on lottery tickets. Why do I drink so much malt liquor? That should be obvious to everybody- for the street cred.

It’s possible you are now thinking to yourself, “Michael Ian Black sounds kind of skuzzy.” To that, I have no response. Especially because the place where I am usually driving to when scratching off those tickets is the dog track. When you combine the scratch-off lottery tickets, the malt liquor beverages, and the amount of time I spend at the dog track, I will readily concede that it doesn’t add up to a pretty picture.

On the other hand, maybe I could spin my somewhat debauched (but endearing) lifestyle as a Charles Bukowski kind of eccentricity. Or like a Robert Downey Jr. kind of feel good comeback story. Or maybe I can just say I’m doing research for a part - a part which, admittedly, has yet to be written.

My hope is that the patent I expect to receive for my wrong-sided ridged steering wheel will prove to be so profitable that I will be able to finally kick my scratch-off lottery ticket habit for good. Ditto for the dog track. Ditto for the malt liquor. I will replace those bad habits with better ones: healthy eating, brisk walks, and high quality opium that I will smoke from a crystal hookah.

Or maybe I will just keep doing what I’m doing because it's awesome. 


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Or you could smoke your high quality opium with a hooker named Crystal.

That's seriously all I've got, I'm still reeling from your newly discovered popularity.

But at least I got to this one before the Reddit crowd.


Yo. I'm in the "reddit crowd," but I've always loved you; I just didn't know you had a blog. Let's crack open an Old English together sometime. You might find that I occasionally use semi-colons to pretend that I have a college degree.


Yes. Reeling. So crazy.

But I'm glad you haven't let the high gloss of interweb preeminence blind you to your vital job of "keepin' it realz." Street cred is important. I know I wouldn't be able to laugh unless I knew you were "down." Forget good habits, they are totally wack. Especially crystal hookahs. To that, I add a wiggity. I will scrape my fingers on your wrong side steering wheel any day as I enjoy my 40 of Mickeys and chase dogs in my car. Because you are da bomb, like a mug.

(You know I am a State fan because all my vernacular is from the 90's. That was my era dog.)


Will this product and the foil underpants be available in the online store?


santa thinks you are a true celeb.... but that also means you will be recieving a lump of coal this year

while the previous statement infers your "celeb" status results in you being "bad", the real reason you are getting coal is because you changed your name from schwartz to black... which is very bad....

im just kidding, i give all jews coal, namechange or not....

- santa

p.s. usually i just put the coal in the fireplace on my way out.... its hard to notice i guess, but fuck you


btw... i just realized all of those people who worked on old timey trains and ships must have WANTED the coal i gave them... its like me giving free gas to every years "baddies" (thats what we call them in the sweat....workshop)

new idea to be voted upon by the grand council of reindeer.... instead of free coal, i will TAKE your coal u have lying around....
i know all of you think reindeer fly on their own, but us industry insiders know the truth.... petrified wood otherwise known as coal, or in some south american countries... coal


i think all new cars should come equipped with a helper monkey to do things such as:

scratch your scratch tickets

unwrap and hold your egg mcmuffin for you

answer your important phone calls

yell at other drivers and flip the bird when you are otherwise disposed

throw feces where applicable

emily the tall

some idiot once said that gambling is the devil's math (my ex boyfriend) but your post has readily convinced me that i need not a job, i need to be a scratch off jockey.

thank you mr. black.


A blog a day,sometimes several? I feel as though I've already won the lottery,my friend.


Here are my favorite tasty words from this silly post. They roll off the tongue or give me hallucinations:

lucky duck
itchy balled

Your blogs are the best thing on the internet, bar none.


Dear mr black. I have thought you funny since I first saw you on the state many years ago. You encouraged me to use my two first names without embarrassment. My wife tells me I shouldn't do that anymore, but I do it in secret anyways. Sincerely -Mike Hock Sitchy


I am not in the Reddit crowd...I just googled you because I have a bet with my husband. We recently watched The Baxter and throughout the film I kinda thought you looked like Jack Black. My husband thinks I am insane.

Soooooo...now I've been reading through your archives laughing. And grimacing.

I still don't know if you're related to Jack Black, but whatever. I still win, because I've found your hilarious blog.


Some of these crazy comments remind me of a saying an old derelict Cabbie friend of mine used to say: "What a load of trot".

Christine, although I'm sure you're adorable, please re-think your comparison of Jack Black to Michael Black. Jack Black has really wide-set eyes, frog-like, and a huge round moon face. He is chubbywubby and gas a set of mean looking eyebrows. Michael Black has little cute eyes, and a nicely chiseled face. His eyebrows are arched - one is higher than the other. This I know because I have a lifesize poster of him on my shower wall.

On a not so personal note, since this is public and stuff, I'm sorry for dirtying up your blog with my drunken behavior. I realize you are Gaffiganning it up a bit here, cleaning behind your ears, and all and such. You don't need jagoffs like me pissing all over your good intentions. A thousand pardons, Sir.

Lastly, please keep on keeping on with these fantastic blogs. Your invention ideas are patent-worthy, and also worthy of a second book. Speaking of...here is a:

Public "Brown-Nosing-Ass-Kissing" Service (for your new readers, from an old one. No midlife jokes, please):

Michael has a new book coming out this July: "My Custom Van" - it can be pre-ordered on Amazon.com, bitches.

::sweet smile::

Zach Morris'  Wife

I made your idea mine then sold it.

P.S. There are life-size posters of you now? I hope they're water-proof for Reen's sake.


Mrs. Morris, Zach's lovely wife, mine's shellacked.

And if anyone is looking for merchandise, may I suggest:

www.cafepress.com/stellacomedy ?


jose canusi

Michael - I'm writing a broadway musical about the little known but passionately charged love affair between Marlon Brando and Bea Arthur. I would love for you to play the stable boy.

Please advise. Warmest regards.

me again

This could be the next big thing. Celebrity Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Showdown. Somebody call Bravo.

Reen: Do you have any Major Quimby Merch?

I guess we're back to good old peace and bonhomie. Internet fame, she is a fickle mistress. Reddit giveth and it taketh away.


Hmmm, methinks Major Quimby might soon have a fandom of his own... you should keep him on a tighter leash. One that's woven into his awesome beard.


You follow those dreams, sir. Follow them all the way to the bank. And then follow them to the local convenience store to stock up on scratch-off lottery tickets. And then drive and scratch like the wind!


3 things to consider:
1. Would the ridge not cut your hand if you turn to fast?
2. Wouldn't the jerking cause by scratching the ticket on the stearing will cause you to run over a baby
3. Butter


Mrs. Morris,
The only thing you have to do is go to
http://www.kraunvegas.com and play to win a lot of money.
For a eposit there is a present for you.


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I thought of that idea.

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