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April 08, 2008

Sometimes I Feel Bad Just Being Me

Tonight, for example, I did a show at Iowa State, which is located in the lovely town of Ames, Iowa. Great crowd, lovely manners, but then I found myself standing on stage talking about how it would be so great if we could cum hot fudge sauce and thinking to myself, "What am I doing? These people don't want to hear about ejaculating ice cream toppings. They want to hear illuminating, yet humorous insights into the human condition." 

John Oliver is going to be here on Friday, and he is no doubt going to provide just that, and not, as I did, demonstrate what my asshole looked like after eating at the Taco Palace. I'm a middle-aged man. Shouldn't there come a time in my life when such things are beneath me? Sadly, no. No, I have pantomimed my asshole opening and closing for hundreds of audiences and probably will do again hundreds more times before I finally give it up.

But then I listen to somebody like Jim Gaffigan, who is appealing to all people with his jokes about birthday presents and pancakes. Why can't I be more like him? And by "more like him," I don't mean pale and balding, but rather accessible to broad swaths of the American public. He's figured out how to be funny without talking about any orifices more offensive than the mouth. Good for him. Jim is a friend of mine and I admire him greatly. If I could figure out a way to combine his family-friendly humor with my incredible good looks, I could really have something.


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Don't go changin' your filthiness for anyone, kid! You've got the real goods, see, and people know that. People fear your million radical goods. Have you ever thought maybe Jim would like to have YOUR audience? (my statement has no merit, it's just me wondering aloud).

You can start by updating your calendar. That way more people who love you would know when and where to show up...to show you some love.


I second the 'don't go changing' sentiment.

And really, if guys could ejaculate ice cream toppings, well, everyone would be happy. It's a notion that science needs to explore...

I also think you'll find that the word 'swathes' has an 'e' in it.

But do you really want to be 'accessible'? Sure, it can fatten the bank balance, but what does it bring to the integrity table? There is always a place for comedy that embraces ass jokes and flavoured ejaculate.

Let's face it, all women want their men to cum chocolate products, and all guys love to boast about the 'ring of fire'. Be proud of keepin' it real.

I mentioned chocolate cum too many times in this comment.


I have an idea! When I go to see Jim in September, you come along and stand beside him. I'll be the judge as to whether you would make a good morph.
I adore you both for different reasons, like my children.And like my children I have a favorite.


Oh, by the way, I'm from Iowa. Did you enjoy the cornfields, hair scrunchies and pegged pants?


P.S., you're breaking a few maternal hearts here with the self-flagellation. Would you really trade the dedicated few for the fickle masses? Please don't make us want get all Big Sisterly on your fine ass. It's hard to feed you hot chocolate with marshmallows and paint your toenails over the internet.


I am sure the answer is yes. Lady, you seem creepy.

Tom Lewis

While we might benefit from more Jim Gaffigans we would lose out on not having any Michael Ian Blacks, don't effing do it.


Having mass appeal is desirable but you are a genius, and geniuses don't attract mass appeal. It's not your fault. You're attracting the privileged who appreciate your genius. Don't aspire to be Jim Gaffigan. Don't aspire to be anyone else. You're Michael Ian Black. Or Michael Schwartz. Whatever name you want to call yourself. Even if you changed your name to Marcus, you'd still be you. And you are funny, extremely intelligent, and well loved by the non-majority, which is a good thing.


Alex, YOU seem to have missed the point of a rhetorical question.


Hey, you. I'm sure the lovely people of Iowa laughed their frickin' butts off yesterday. They didn't want to hear about their whiny inner child. There are folks out there to dish that up. They wanted to watch you pantomime your butt hole during a bout with diarrhea. Make no mistake.

In regards to people craving humorous insights into the human condition - you are so insightful it isn't even funny! Well it IS funny, you're very funny. Anything deemed controversial, politically incorrect, unjust, narrow-minded - you're one man who can find a creative intellectual spin to all of it, make us laugh (really hard), and at the same time, make us stop and think, too. This is not to say that you can't get crude, raw, and crazy sexy on our asses. Thank goodness for versatility.

Sure, there is always room to grow, alter, veer off course - you're free to do whatever you want, and you will do it with fervor, no doubt. But remember - you're not Gaffigan, Carlin isn't Gallagher, Cook isn't Mencia, and so on.

You're so refreshing, Michael. One of a kind.

(Plus you're a great hugger with a kick ass jawline).


I like the dildo and necrophelia humor. That's why I am a much bigger fan of yours than Jim's.

Also, I enjoy the nuances in inflection you do just to be random. I find those as funny as the actual jokes sometimes. The reason people don't get it is because they don't pay close enough attention, on average anyway. Generally speaking, people enjoy not thinking about anything. That's why Carlos Mencia is still on the air. God, he sucks.


Hey, I was at your iowa state performance and let me just say I thought it was hilarious. John Oliver?? I'm not going to go see him, well i probably will because he is pretty funny, but you're funnier...and sexier.


Hey Michael. Just a random fan here from MS. Anyway, about a year ago, one of my friends showed me and some other guys Stella, and we loved it! In fact, it's the funniest show I've ever seen (no joke.) Anyway, the first four episodes have nothing dirty in 'em, and those are some of the best ones! Do what you like, but you are funny with or without the potty humor.


{jumps on bandwagon} Why so down in the dumps, MIB? I happen to appreciate your orifice.
In fact, forget the material! I'm a purist.

kellie ann

oh please michael ian black...i was at the show last night. it was HILARIOUS. especially the cum jokes. i mean, really, we're college students. we like that kind of stuff. anyway, i hope you found iowa to be not too horribly boring and hickish. come back soon. :)

mr. joe

I was at the show as well, and as far as I'm concerned you can make all the cum and sphincter jokes as much as you want, because no one can quite do it like you babe.

Dr. Hopkins

"Some dead kid in a lake" Ha Ha

charles upsher

Dance Party Blues (Stephen Hawking is a Fucking Nerd)

you should not get discouraged about your dance party. Some of the world's greatest minds have had doubts about thier dance parties. I remember when stephen hawking first was diagnosed with lou gherics's decease and everyone said a guy in a wheelchair could not throw a dope, phat, or even a party that had any kind of flow of any kind. Stephen became very uptight and hostile anytime anyone got even close to his brand new Commodore Amiga that was blasting out an eclectic variety of classic yet still fresh songs and was described by most party goers to be super anal. Stephen eventually got tired of everyone talking trash about his anal D.P.(dance party) and called up fate, his favorite online monopoly friend and decided that they were going to throw the greatest dance party of all time where not one person would NOT be dancing at any time. A non stop danceathon. Stephen called up his mom and asked her for more money so he could pay his utility bill and send it by fedex. He got the money the next day and immediately took it over to kinkos to make the greatest dance party flyers of all time. Of course his friends were priority so he gave the flyers first to his real live friends, then he gave them to his internet friends, then people he has superficial relationships with like that fat girl who is really sassy and has sex with everyone even though she is fat, then to strangers, and a few to some scary some what attractive homeless people to give the dance party that edge it needs. When the day of the self titled "Nothing But Dance Party", rolled around stephen knew it would be awesome. Everyone showed up to the party. It was the talk of the town. Even the scary homeless people showed up and everyone was commenting how real and scary they appeared. As soon as stephen started the music which he had meticulously selected over the past month instead of going to his lame internship everyone knew there was no going back. Everyone must dance and never stop. This was the Nothing But Dance Party. Everything was going well thought stephen as he made sure no one spilled drinks on his Amiga. Everyone is dancing, not one person is sitting... and then Stephen realized the issue that he had not confronted since being confined to a wheelchair. Not only was he not dancing, he couldn't dance. Soon everyone looked at him and realized the man who put together the Nothing But Dance party was the only one who could sabotage it. How ironic? Stephen knew he had a choice to make, he could either live in a world of make believe and roll himself on the dance floor and roll his chair back and forth and pretend he was actually dancing and look like a retarded cripple or he could roll himself in front of a bus and end the suffering of his no-dancing body. Stephen knew what he must do. To save the Nothing But Dance Party and spare everyone the awkwardness of having to pretend that his rolling back and forth in his wheelchair was dancing he rolled himself in front of a bus that he knew was specifically being driven by a guy whom he knew hated handicaped people. Stephen's body was pulvarized and stephen's body did in death what it so longed to have done in life. It danced for fifty feet down the street and then lay lifeless which wasn't that big of a change since he was already a cripple. Once Stephen had saved the party by killing himself he became an instant dance party legend. The party went on to become the greatest dance party ever. Everyone danced thier best moves while being guilt free now that the cripple was gone. The party even made the news the next day when it was learned that fat slutty sassy girl was killed by one of the scary some-what attractive homeless guys later in the night. By the way this stephen hawking should not be confused with the stephen hawking who is famous for physics. Two completely different people. That hawking is a total nerd.

some dude

Charles....dude....get your own blog(no offense)

me again

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.-Bill Cosby

Yeah, I just quoted the Cos. Got something to say about it?

I think you should be proud of what you've accomplished without having to compromise your principles. And by principles, I mean dick jokes. Honestly, how many grown men can provide a comfortable living for their families by telling dick jokes?? I'd say it's probably pretty good to be you.



Oh, God. I'm without it. (words)

Cant please everyone, so you got to please yourself

Are you spreading the joy?

All I'm trying to do is make the world a slightly better place. Not even a slightly better place—I try to make the world a considerably better place. And I think I'm succeeding every day, in every way.

hit or miss isnt it?

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