An Old, Never Before Seen State Script

I wrote this for our never-released album. Not that it would matter if it had been released because this was never recorded. And for good reason - it's not that good - but I thought I would post it just for fun.

BUNNY STOMPING

RICK
Good afternoon, sports fans. I'm Rick Walters. Right beside me, as always, is Pat Davis- and Pat, what a beautiful day for bunny stomping.

PAT
It sure is, Rick. We've got a sunny day, good, hard, ground, and of course, plenty of baby bunnies.

RICK
Pat, why don't you explain the rules to bunny stomping?

PAT
Right on, soul brother.  It's pretty straight forward. Guys put on spiked shoes and step on bunnies.

RICK
I understand there have been some rule changes this year.

PAT
That’s right, Rick. Over the past couple years, there’s been a lot of complaining from animal rights organizations regarding what they call the "sheer brutality" of bunny stomping. So this year, in an effort to make the sport a little more evenly-matched, each bunny is being equipped with a semi-automatic assault rilfe, plus three magazines of ammo.

RICK
Pat, doesn’t that give the rabbits an unfair advantage?

PAT
Not necessarily.  You have to remember, these are bunnies, Rick, and bunnies don’t have opposable thumbs, which could make it difficult for them to hold the rifles. They don’t have arms, and because they’re rabbits, Rick there’s a good chance they won’t even know what to do with the rifles. You gotta remember that rabbits, like all animals, are really, really dumb. I mean, they don't even know algebra. No, to be honest, I doubt they could even get the safeties off.

RICK
Well, we’ll find out soon enough, as our first competitor, Brian Mulrooney, steps into the warren.

SFX Whistle

RICK
And here he goes.

SFX We hear a squishy sound.

PAT
Well, Brian's off to a great start. He's got great extension, and that's really going to help him kill and maim those stupid animals.

RICK
Pat, the rabbits don’t even seem to be reaching for the rifles.

PAT
Like I said, the rifles are probably not going to factor into the competition, unless Brian himself accidentally sets one off.

We hear a smattering of rifle fire, and BRIAN goes down.

RICK
Oh boy, it looks like that’s exactly what happened. Brian started cleaning one of the rifles, it accidentally went off, and now he’s down.

PAT
Oh my God...

RICK
The paramedics are rushing onto the field, but it's too late... it looks like, yes... Brian Mulrooney is dead...

PAT
Nooo!

RICK
Pat Davis, obviously upset...

PAT
He’s dead! Brian’s dead, Pat! Those fucking rabbits killed Brian! Oh my God... that man was a saint. Do you hear me, rabbits? You fucking rabbits!

We hear Pat crying...

RICK
Pat Davis, obviously upset. Well, we’ve got a couple minutes before the field is clear, so let’s break away. When we return more Bunny Stomping, and immediately following the program, Tuna Fucking. You won't want to miss that.

Comments

[Reen]

You are KILLING me!

This sketch MUST come to fruition, somehow...someway.

Are there any more skits just hanging around, having a beer? Please, feel free to distract us from our civilian lives as much as you like.

[Camille]

Well,I think it's very funny even though I'm on council at PETA.

[Therese]

Tuna fucking. <---just bears repeating.

I concur with Reen, any time you want to shake the dust off any more like these, we'll be happily a-waitin'.

[Susanna]

Bunny Stomping - Yayyyyyyy!

I would love to know who would have played these parts had this sketch aired.

[Zane]

Very funny.

[Alex]

Great sketch idea as always... only one problem--- Pat says "Brian's dead, Pat!" I highly doubt Pat would talk to himself like that!

[Mike]

Did you also write Monkey Torture?

[sarah]

Shet you're great. it's this kinda magic that ends up being cancelled WTF?!