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February 05, 2008

My Super Bowl Predictions

Author’s Note: I realize I am posting this after the Super Bowl was played, but I actually wrote it several days before the game and just didn’t have a chance to post it until now. 

Regular readers to this blog know that I am a football fanatic. As such, I’ve been hounded with requests to make another of my famous Super Bowl predictions for this weekend’s game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants.

The smart money is on the Patriots. With their 18-0 record, they need only one more win to complete the first perfect season since the Miami Dolphins accomplished the feat in 1972.

Battling them this Sunday will be the scrappy New York Giants, led by the mercurial Eli Manning. After beginning the season 0-2, the Gints (as they are affectionately known in the New York area) find themselves unexpectedly perched near the summit of the NFL’s Mt. Olympus.

Football pundits and Vegas bookies across the board give the edge to New England. With their deep arsenal of offensive weapons, The Patriots have dismantled every team they’ve encountered on their march towards perfection. The Giants, on the other hand, have suffered from inconsistency. After a lackluster start, they ran off a series of five consecutive wins against sub-par teams, only to find themselves battling for a playoff spot as the season drew to a close. As we head towards Sunday, The Giants are a twelve and a half point underdog. Most of the sports media does not give New York a chance and have already crowned this year’s Pats “The Greatest Team Ever.”

Don’t be so sure.

Yes, the Pats have run off eighteen consecutive wins. Yes, their quarterback is the robotically effective Tom Brady. Yes, their army is commanded by Bill “The Genius” Belichick. Yes, their celebrated wide receiver Randy Moss broke Jerry Rice’s record for touchdown receptions this year. Yes, they are sending three offensive linemen to the Pro Bowl this year. Yes, they look unbeatable.


During their last regular season meeting, the New York Giants came very close to defeating this heralded team of destiny. The Giants have won ten consecutive road games to reach the Super Bowl, knocking off the heavily favored Dallas Cowboys and Green Bay Packers along the way. While they lack the star power of the Pats, they are starting to come together as a team, and it seems that as the season continues the Giants continue to grow stronger.

I am going to commit football heresy: I think the New York Giants are going to win this game.

There, I said it. I don’t think they are just going to cover the spread. No. I believe the New York Giants are going to straight-up deliver one of the greatest upsets in Super Bowl history.

Here is how I see it unfolding:

After American Idol winner Jordin Sparks sings the National Anthem (I predict she will do a great job), I predict the Giants will win the coin toss. They will elect to receive the ball, and I think the New York Giants have a very good shot of marching all the way down the field during their very first possession. Will they score a touchdown? I don’t know. Prediction: I think they’ll chip in a field goal.

End of first quarter prediction: New York Giants 3. New England Patriots 0.

I predict the second quarter will open with one of the patented Pats drives, ending with Laurence Maroney rumbling into the end zone from the 1 yard line. The extra point will be good.

From there, I expect both defenses to step up, with both sides preventing the other from scoring again.

First half prediction: New England Patriots 7. New York Giants 3.

I predict Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will play an uninspired halftime show.

As play resumes, I predict a weird penalty will favor the Pats. Something like a twelfth man on the field during a punt or something. Will the Pats capitalize on the miscue? I don’t think so. I don’t foresee any scoring in the third quarter at all as I predict the New York Giants will harass, sack, and knock down Tom Brady.

Third quarter prediction: New England Patriots 7. New York Giants 3

The fourth quarter, I predict, will begin with a New York drive featuring a forty five yard pass to rookie tight end Kevin Boss, and then finish up an eighty yard, seven play drive with a five yard touchdown pass to David Tyree, giving New York a 10-7 lead.

Then, I predict, a dragon will emerge from underneath the stadium and eat both teams alive, effectively ending the game as terrified sports fans flee the stadium. Even though the game will have no official ending, I predict the public will not care, considering the horrific and unexpected nature of the game’s completion.

Many readers will undoubtedly disagree with my predictions. After all, most expect this game to be fairly high scoring, and most do not expect New York to hold the lead at all, let alone during the fourth quarter. Furthermore, no other sports journalist that I have found has mentioned any possibility of a big red dragon awakening from a millennial slumber underneath the football stadium and then eating both teams.

I realize my predictions border on the heretical. So be it. But we’ll see who has the last laugh when the surviving members and spouses of the New York Giants celebrate their win (and mourn their losses) with a ticket tape parade through New York’s Canyon of Heroes on Super Tuesday (which I predict will be won by the Republican Ron Paul and the Democrat Lyndon Baines Johnson).

Final Super Bowl Score:(unofficial due to game stoppage after dragon eats teams): New York Giants 10 New England Patriots 7.


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you sir, are a wizard.


Sorry,but you lost me at "super bowl" .

Your ever-increasing list of super powers is starting to freak me out,man.


Well you got the dragon right, at least.


Well you got the dragon right, at least.


That dragon won me $450. Would have been more, but I accidentally bet on "fire-eating dragon" and not "fire-breathing dragon". Obviously I meant "fire-breathing", I mean who's ever seen a dragon that eats torches at street fairs for a hatful of ones? Nobody, that's who. Yeah, well, tell it to my bookie...

Ethereal Zoe

Wha?! Hell to the freakin' naw!

On behalf of Tom Petty and Heartbreakers, I give you a hearty "Screw You!", Black. These guys did a pretty good show. In fact, I would say their performance was way better than one of the teams actually playing the dang game.

Uninspired. What, did you find it more "inspiring" when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out in front of a wee child (i.e., Justin Timberlake)? No? OK, I'm sure it was back WAY more inspiring backin the '90s when Michael Jackson did his whole "Heal the World" thing. NO, WAIT! I"ve got to be wrong. Because it was probably either the Blues Brothers' reunion in '97 or the Edward James Olmos-narrated Epcot celebration with Phil Cllins in 200o that inspired you the most, am I right?

Yeesh, man. Tom Petty is a hard-rocking guy who has solid singles almost every single time. If only most of the crappy musicians in the world could say the same.

But that's okay. I'll be waiting for the "Sierra Mist presents Michael Ian Black" halftime show next year. I'm sure it will totally rock hard.


Thrilling. And scary*

I respectfully tip the broad-brimmed hat to you. And to your pomp and psycho, er, psychic-ness. ;-)

*Not in bloody Jeffrey Dahmer way. More along the lines of the sexy, enigmatic Count Drockuuuuulah.


I watch the Super Bowl every year for two reasons only: 1. the commercials, and 2. the continuing hope that a dragon will emerge from underneath the stadium and eat both teams alive.


What the hell is the Superbowl?

Just kidding. Slightly. Sport isn't my bag, unless it has engines and a major carbon footprint.

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