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« My Super Bowl Predictions | Main | Let This Be a Warning to All The Candidates Who Have Not Yet Responded to My Offer of an Endorsement »

February 06, 2008

My Presidential Endorsement

Friends and admirers have been asking me who I am supporting in the upcoming presidential elections. Normally I try to stay above the fray, but with so many politicians and celebrities choosing sides, I feel it would be cowardly for me to stay out of the mix. Therefore, I have decided to endorse one of the remaining presidential candidates.

When choosing which candidate to support, I asked myself the following question: which candidate would most benefit from my endorsement? The answer I came up with: all of them.

With the race so close, it seems to me that any celebrity endorsement, even mine, could tip the scales one way or the other. Therefore, I am offering my celebrity endorsement to whichever candidate most wants it. Mike Huckabee, make me an offer. Ron Paul, I’m here for you. Maybe it’s you, Mitt Romney. Hey Barack, let’s make a deal.

But it’s not a one way street, candidates. My commitment to you depends on your commitment to me:

• $50.00 will get you my endorsement and a flattering blog posting to appear on my website on the date of your choosing.

• $100.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a DVD copy of “Stella.”

• $250.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a computer-designed “Official Celebrity Endorsement Certificate” to be personally signed by me or my assistant Karen.

• $500.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a personalized videotaped greeting from me featuring some of my patented “snarky” comments to be used at campaign events and rallies. (Young people will love this!!!)

• $1,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will host a “Build A Bear Workshop” party for campaign workers at the mall of your choice (all expenses to be paid by you).

• $2,500 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will spend a week on the campaign trail with you Chuck Norris style (all expenses to be paid by you).

• $5,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will use my (admittedly poor) computer skills to attempt to rig the voting machines in my home state of Connecticut.

• $10,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus one of my famous “one hour ‘stress-buster’ back massages.”

• $25,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will give you David Schwimmer’s personal email address. (Hint: it is not Ross@aol.com)

• $50,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus exclusive naming rights to any sports stadium I may construct in the future.

• $75,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus an additional DVD copy of “Stella,” and unlimited use of my 2000 Volkswagen New Beetle for one month to use for all campaign appearances within a 50 mile radius of my house.   

• $100,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (non-fatal).

• $103,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (fatal).

To the candidates: I cannot guarantee that my endorsement will mean diddly-squat, but when you consider the relatively low cost of buying my support, wouldn’t you rather have me with you than against you? Think about it and give me a call. I'm listed.

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Comments

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Parker

You should charge more for a fatal stabbing. My family's hitman charges, literally, an arm and a leg. And do you know hard it is for a quadriplegiac to operate a push-mower?

Telly

According to the menu, a fatal stabbing on its own is worth $28k. I think you can probably do quite a bit better than that on the open market. Maybe not for a high-profile figure though. Tough call. More interesting, I think, is that bumping up to the possibility of having to spend an hour rubbing down Mike Huckabee is only worth $5000.

Susanna

You should also throw in your soul to sweeten the pot.

Camille

I like that there is a 3k difference between attempted murder and murder.

Reen

Funny stuff! A tantalizing package deal.

Now, Barack has the coolest celebrity endorsements thus far - Stephen King, Robert DeNiro - pretty high on the cool list. If not the creepy list. Anyway, he's the one you need to "invite to your blog", if there is such a feature on your fancy website.

And YOU! You are SO not listed! Everyones tried a million ways till Sunday. Big old fat Fibber Magee!

Ed

This is slightly racist.

Telly

YOU'RE SLIGHTLY RACIST!

Erik

Giving an opposing candidate both a fatal and non-fatal stabbing introduces an interesting logical dilemma.

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