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February 07, 2008

Let This Be a Warning to All The Candidates Who Have Not Yet Responded to My Offer of an Endorsement

Only hours ago, I made my celebrity endorsement available to all presidential candidates in a “winner takes all” bidding process. Already one of those candidates has fallen. Mitt Romney, had you contacted me, who knows how things might have turned out for you.

Mike Huckabee, I know you’re out there and I know you’re an avid reader of this blog. Now that it’s a two-man race, do you really want to be a one-celebrity candidate? Chuck Norris will get you the geriatric and mixed martial arts crowd, but I am offering you an entrée into the under 65, kind-of-gay crowd. THAT’S the crowd that’s going to determine the outcome of this election.

Barack, Oprah has only gotten you so far. Teddy Kennedy did nothing for you. Maybe a C List basic cable celebrity is just what you need to close the deal on this thing.

Hillary, ditto for you. Having Bill on the campaign trail backfired. When he talks shit about the other guy, YOU look bad. When I talk shit, ratings go through the roof. Why do you think VH1 is putting “I Love the 00’s” on before the decade is even over? Think about it.

And there’s Ron Paul. Dear, sweet Ron Paul. Ron, I am willing to cut you a deal. For $10,000 I am willing to be your running mate. A Paul/Black ticket could be just what this country needs. I’m zany, you’re crazy. It’s a perfect combination.

Just so the candidates know, I have been contacted by several of you with some interesting offers, but I will wait to make a final decision about whom to support this election season until the big money starts rolling in, which I expect will be any moment now.

To up the ante a little bit, for $150,000, I am willing to not only endorse you and fatally stab the opponent of your choice, but I will also throw in my original “Levon” robe from The State’s "$240.00 Worth of Pudding Sketch.”


(Even his giant left hand could not save
Mitt Romney's candidacy. Perhaps my
endorsement could have. Sorry, fucker.)


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This is slightly racist, too.


Awwwwwwwwwww yeeeeaaaahhhhhhhhhh.


"All Mormons have huge hands. This is not at all related to the size of their penises". --Marie Osmond, Spring 06 "US" magazine.

Throw the wig in too ::smack:: (ya cheap so and so).



I'd be willing to run if it means getting that robe.


Romney effed up big time by passing on you.


Careful, Michael, someone might just take you up on this zany offer that is meant to be refused. Actually, that sounds like a great premise for a romantic comedy. You could do it on the cheap. Get some also-ran teen film flunky to play the male lead, and then some "oh yeah, she's the hot friend from..."-type to play the love interest. It's platinum, baby.


Vice President Black sure does have a nice ring to it...


I thought you wore a suit in the pudding sketch? Surely the robe was from the love-seat sketch? But what do I know, I'm a Brit, maybe robe has a whole other meaning in the US.


ouch, anderson. ouch.


We get that you didn't like the movie, Anderson. I think it's time to move on.


Kate: "Anderson" is what we call in the old country a "First Class Horses Ass".

Tee: You are correct. These are things we remember.

Michael: Feel free to review your tapes of The State (onVHSpurchasedoffofE-Bayforanexhorbitantprice) if you wish to challenge.

Prepare to both lose and kiss my hand.


I'd like to re-iterate my genuine enjoyment of "Wedding Daze" in the face of such needless sarcasm from someone who is not fit to share my son's middle name, nor the name of the lead in a film that was obviously too cerebral for their sense of humour.


is it just me, or is mittler's skin incredibly orange in that picture?


Dear Blacker-Backers,

My apologies. My note wasn’t intended as already stale hate mail; rather it was intended as a comment on already stale hate mail. The gesture is akin to performing hackneyed and anachronistic vaudevillian comedy routines in such a way that the material becomes witty and fresh. That being said, settle down. You’d think this was the “post a comment” section from Mo Rocca’s blog. jfc.

I stand behind my comment regarding Michael starring in Daze. This would have been the better choice by far, and I cannot believe that it wasn’t spoken of at some point during pre-production. (If you were a real fan, you’d agree with me.)

Michael, who around that now infamous conference table put the kibosh on this idea? I think that this information should be made public to your fans. I’m in the process of drafting an angry letter to the person in question…



Dear Anderson, dear Anderson. Jason Biggs was perfectly cast and does a stellar job with his character. Could Black have done better? Who knows? The point is the movie is very enjoyable, quirky, funny, and romantic. It delivers very well for what it was set up to deliver.

Furthermore, everyone I know who has seen it - loved it. Just as it is. (Yes Virginia, EVEN WITHOUT Carol Burnett as the female lead and Emo Phillips as the male).

No use going the "what if?" and "why didn't they...?" route. Perhaps you should take your own advice and onsider "settling down" instead. Try directing your angry energy towards people and situations more suitable. Like Charles Manson for example.

Now go. And sin no more.


Oh Lordy to it all, and yes his skin is quite day-glow. Weird.


Anderson, "real" fans support an artist both behind as well as in front of the camera. And to suggest that projects can only succeed if the artist makes an appearance themselves smacks of a purely superficial appreciation of their work.


Oh Lord, let the man have an opinion for goodness sakes. Who cares?

Let's be Ghandi about it. Let's protest by dieting and weaving clothes. (Then we'll get skinny and have hot outfits.) After all, when we're dismayed, we must remember that "all through history the ways of truth and love have always won." So let's just get back to communing on the truth of just how funny Michael is and bask in the loving of it.

Because Michael? So funny. Plus, when all is said and done, we'll be the skinny ones in the hot outfits. Peace.

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