Let This Be a Warning to All The Candidates Who Have Not Yet Responded to My Offer of an Endorsement
Only hours ago, I made my celebrity endorsement available to all presidential candidates in a “winner takes all” bidding process. Already one of those candidates has fallen. Mitt Romney, had you contacted me, who knows how things might have turned out for you.
Mike Huckabee, I know you’re out there and I know you’re an avid reader of this blog. Now that it’s a two-man race, do you really want to be a one-celebrity candidate? Chuck Norris will get you the geriatric and mixed martial arts crowd, but I am offering you an entrée into the under 65, kind-of-gay crowd. THAT’S the crowd that’s going to determine the outcome of this election.
Barack, Oprah has only gotten you so far. Teddy Kennedy did nothing for you. Maybe a C List basic cable celebrity is just what you need to close the deal on this thing.
Hillary, ditto for you. Having Bill on the campaign trail backfired. When he talks shit about the other guy, YOU look bad. When I talk shit, ratings go through the roof. Why do you think VH1 is putting “I Love the 00’s” on before the decade is even over? Think about it.
And there’s Ron Paul. Dear, sweet Ron Paul. Ron, I am willing to cut you a deal. For $10,000 I am willing to be your running mate. A Paul/Black ticket could be just what this country needs. I’m zany, you’re crazy. It’s a perfect combination.
Just so the candidates know, I have been contacted by several of you with some interesting offers, but I will wait to make a final decision about whom to support this election season until the big money starts rolling in, which I expect will be any moment now.
To up the ante a little bit, for $150,000, I am willing to not only endorse you and fatally stab the opponent of your choice, but I will also throw in my original “Levon” robe from The State’s "$240.00 Worth of Pudding Sketch.”
(Even his giant left hand could not save
Mitt Romney's candidacy. Perhaps my
endorsement could have. Sorry, fucker.)