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February 2008

February 28, 2008

BREAKING NEWS!!! ANGIE HARMON TO SUPPORT JOHN MCCAIN!!!

Mccain_angie_blog_2 I was in the middle of writing a separate blog posting when this news came across the transom. I figured I should get this information out as quickly as I possibly could so that those of us who take our electoral cues from Angie Harmon can finally rest easy.

Like many of you, I was worried that Angie wouldn't make up her mind until September or October, which I think we can all agree, would have been terrible for the country.

I understand that all of the candidates have been calling Angie to receive her endorsement, including Dennis Kucinich, which is weird because he dropped out of the race months ago.

What tipped her toward McCain I do not know, and frankly, I do not care! All I know is that I am now casting my vote for Angie's choice, America's choice, Senator John McCain!

February 22, 2008

Chicken Bubs

As I was watching the snow descend on the pastoral New England landscape outside my window today, I decided to Google the phrase "Chicken Bubs."

Mostly I was curious to see how many hits I would get. As it turns out, seven. I was surprised to discover the phrase yields such a low number, but then as I thought about it, it occurred to me that “bubs” isn’t even a word. And yet seven people decided to pair the nonsense word "bubs" with the definitely-a-word “chicken.”

After thinking it through I realized maybe my surprise should have been reversed: perhaps I should have been surprised that the Googling the phrase "chicken bubs" gave me SO MANY HITS.

Admittedly, two of those hits were from the same site, glasspipes.org, which is a “free online community for art glass pipes.” The pipes in question are called “Dos Original Flavor Chicken Bubs,” and they look exactly like what I hoped they would look like:

Img152600_img_5530

Those are truly fantastic chicken bub art glass pipes. Can you believe that somebody has the skill to make chicken bub art glass pipes that nice? Me either. And I’m not the only one who appreciates this master’s work. In the comments section, Rnsga wrote, “damn bro, luv em'! I was thinkin, man all he does is chickens... then I saw the elephant bub!”

Elephant bubs???

Continue reading "Chicken Bubs" »

February 20, 2008

I'm Going to Take A Screwdriver to Your Eye

Hey chumpy chip chippy chum-chum. I’m going to take a screwdriver to your eye. What kind of screwdriver? Phillips head. A big one. The kind that are too big to unscrew little screws. I’m going to get a large enough screwdriver that in the wrong hands, it might be considered ungainly. Furthermore, I would like it to be a well-made, name brand screwdriver. Maybe a Stanley, or an Accu-Screw, which is a brand name I just made up. That’s the kind of screwdriver I’m going to stick in your eye.

Not deep. I’m not going to put it in deep. Just enough so that it enters the eyeball, but not so deep that it reaches the back of the eye socket. This kind of precision work will require you to stand still, which will no doubt be very difficult. But if you move too much while I’m doing this, you could end up with my ungainly screwdriver in your brain. If we both do our jobs, you’ll probably be just fine when it’s over. Maybe your sight can even be restored. I don’t know. That’s more your problem than mine. My problem is getting the screwdriver and then putting it into your eye.

Continue reading "I'm Going to Take A Screwdriver to Your Eye" »

February 18, 2008

True Stories From My Life Part I: Christmas, 1976

Mom was a feminist and a lesbian. When we were kids, her feminism manifested itself in all kinds of ways. Mostly it was a lot of badmouthing men, and saying high-minded things like, “I think men should have to wipe themselves after they go to the bathroom, too.” This is not to say that all feminism equals man-hating. Not at all. It just so happens that my mom’s version of feminism did. And she certainly didn’t hate all men. She liked Alan Alda.

Aside from subscribing to various feminist periodicals and throwing around the name “Gloria Steinem,” she was not particularly politically active, although for years, we had an inexhaustible supply of blue note cards that we used for jotting down phone numbers and grocery lists; on the reverse of each card was an exhortation to pass the Equal Rights Amendment, the feminist’s Holy Grail. I think my mom was supposed to hand out these cards to friends, neighbors, passersby. I don’t remember her ever handing out one. The ERA died in 1979, but I think my mom is still using those cards to this day. She is no longer quite the ardent feminist she was in days gone by, but she is still an ardent lesbian.


Continue reading "True Stories From My Life Part I: Christmas, 1976" »

February 13, 2008

If I Had a Time Machine Part II

If I had a time machine,
I would live out all my schemes.
To be a cowboy? No problem, pard.
Or visit Shakespeare, the immortal bard.

Maybe I would have a talk
With polio scientist, Jonas Salk
“Jonas,” I’d say, “Keep up your steam-
One day you’ll discover the vaccine!”

And I’d spend time being classy
With my favorite canine film star, Lassie
Would Lassie think time travel’s good?
Don’t worry, kid, it’s Hollywood!

It’s the future!
It’s the past!
The last is first!
The first is last!

It’s a circle, don’t you see?
That we call “infinity!”

If I should travel ten years yonder
What if I should happen to wander
And meet a fellow who looks like me
But is ten years older than the self I see?

What answers would I want to find
From Future Michael’s future mind?
He’d be ready, of course, to open that door
‘Cause he’d asked those questions ten years before!

Photo_108

February 11, 2008

If I Had a Time Machine

If I had a time machine, I would do amazing things
Like visit Saturn’s wondrous rings
Or travel to a distant star
In my future rocket car.

Perhaps I’d journey to the past
And visit with my old Grampaps.
He’d be young, and I’d be too.
“I’m your grandson, kid – how are you?”

Or maybe I’d go underwater
And swim with Neptune’s only daughter
We’d journey where the waters grant us
To find the city of Atlantis.

What joy!
What fun!
What a jaunt!
To voyage
Anywhere
You want!

Time machines are fun, no doubt
But once you’re in, you can’t get out
All of time’s wrapped in a box
That we call a paradox.

We can’t escape - what’s done is done
And what’s ahead is still to come
But still it’s pleasant just to dream
Of what I would do with a time machine.

Photo_101_3



February 07, 2008

Let This Be a Warning to All The Candidates Who Have Not Yet Responded to My Offer of an Endorsement

Only hours ago, I made my celebrity endorsement available to all presidential candidates in a “winner takes all” bidding process. Already one of those candidates has fallen. Mitt Romney, had you contacted me, who knows how things might have turned out for you.

Mike Huckabee, I know you’re out there and I know you’re an avid reader of this blog. Now that it’s a two-man race, do you really want to be a one-celebrity candidate? Chuck Norris will get you the geriatric and mixed martial arts crowd, but I am offering you an entrée into the under 65, kind-of-gay crowd. THAT’S the crowd that’s going to determine the outcome of this election.

Barack, Oprah has only gotten you so far. Teddy Kennedy did nothing for you. Maybe a C List basic cable celebrity is just what you need to close the deal on this thing.

Hillary, ditto for you. Having Bill on the campaign trail backfired. When he talks shit about the other guy, YOU look bad. When I talk shit, ratings go through the roof. Why do you think VH1 is putting “I Love the 00’s” on before the decade is even over? Think about it.

And there’s Ron Paul. Dear, sweet Ron Paul. Ron, I am willing to cut you a deal. For $10,000 I am willing to be your running mate. A Paul/Black ticket could be just what this country needs. I’m zany, you’re crazy. It’s a perfect combination.

Just so the candidates know, I have been contacted by several of you with some interesting offers, but I will wait to make a final decision about whom to support this election season until the big money starts rolling in, which I expect will be any moment now.

To up the ante a little bit, for $150,000, I am willing to not only endorse you and fatally stab the opponent of your choice, but I will also throw in my original “Levon” robe from The State’s "$240.00 Worth of Pudding Sketch.”

Mittromney10_2

(Even his giant left hand could not save
Mitt Romney's candidacy. Perhaps my
endorsement could have. Sorry, fucker.)






February 06, 2008

My Presidential Endorsement

Friends and admirers have been asking me who I am supporting in the upcoming presidential elections. Normally I try to stay above the fray, but with so many politicians and celebrities choosing sides, I feel it would be cowardly for me to stay out of the mix. Therefore, I have decided to endorse one of the remaining presidential candidates.

When choosing which candidate to support, I asked myself the following question: which candidate would most benefit from my endorsement? The answer I came up with: all of them.

With the race so close, it seems to me that any celebrity endorsement, even mine, could tip the scales one way or the other. Therefore, I am offering my celebrity endorsement to whichever candidate most wants it. Mike Huckabee, make me an offer. Ron Paul, I’m here for you. Maybe it’s you, Mitt Romney. Hey Barack, let’s make a deal.

But it’s not a one way street, candidates. My commitment to you depends on your commitment to me:

• $50.00 will get you my endorsement and a flattering blog posting to appear on my website on the date of your choosing.

• $100.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a DVD copy of “Stella.”

• $250.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a computer-designed “Official Celebrity Endorsement Certificate” to be personally signed by me or my assistant Karen.

• $500.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a personalized videotaped greeting from me featuring some of my patented “snarky” comments to be used at campaign events and rallies. (Young people will love this!!!)

• $1,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will host a “Build A Bear Workshop” party for campaign workers at the mall of your choice (all expenses to be paid by you).

• $2,500 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will spend a week on the campaign trail with you Chuck Norris style (all expenses to be paid by you).

• $5,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will use my (admittedly poor) computer skills to attempt to rig the voting machines in my home state of Connecticut.

• $10,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus one of my famous “one hour ‘stress-buster’ back massages.”

• $25,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will give you David Schwimmer’s personal email address. (Hint: it is not [email protected])

• $50,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus exclusive naming rights to any sports stadium I may construct in the future.

• $75,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus an additional DVD copy of “Stella,” and unlimited use of my 2000 Volkswagen New Beetle for one month to use for all campaign appearances within a 50 mile radius of my house.   

• $100,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (non-fatal).

• $103,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (fatal).

To the candidates: I cannot guarantee that my endorsement will mean diddly-squat, but when you consider the relatively low cost of buying my support, wouldn’t you rather have me with you than against you? Think about it and give me a call. I'm listed.

.

February 05, 2008

My Super Bowl Predictions

Author’s Note: I realize I am posting this after the Super Bowl was played, but I actually wrote it several days before the game and just didn’t have a chance to post it until now. 

Regular readers to this blog know that I am a football fanatic. As such, I’ve been hounded with requests to make another of my famous Super Bowl predictions for this weekend’s game between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants.

The smart money is on the Patriots. With their 18-0 record, they need only one more win to complete the first perfect season since the Miami Dolphins accomplished the feat in 1972.

Battling them this Sunday will be the scrappy New York Giants, led by the mercurial Eli Manning. After beginning the season 0-2, the Gints (as they are affectionately known in the New York area) find themselves unexpectedly perched near the summit of the NFL’s Mt. Olympus.

Football pundits and Vegas bookies across the board give the edge to New England. With their deep arsenal of offensive weapons, The Patriots have dismantled every team they’ve encountered on their march towards perfection. The Giants, on the other hand, have suffered from inconsistency. After a lackluster start, they ran off a series of five consecutive wins against sub-par teams, only to find themselves battling for a playoff spot as the season drew to a close. As we head towards Sunday, The Giants are a twelve and a half point underdog. Most of the sports media does not give New York a chance and have already crowned this year’s Pats “The Greatest Team Ever.”

Don’t be so sure.

Continue reading "My Super Bowl Predictions" »

February 02, 2008

I’m Probably Going to Blow Off My Lunch With Hank Today

We finish up our tour this evening in Washington DC, which believe it or not, is our nation’s capital. While in town, I am supposed to have a luncheon with the Secretary of the Treasury, Henry “Hank” Paulson, but I am probably going to blow it off. Paulson wants to hear me expound on some of my recently published transformative theories regarding American monetary policy (See: “Transformative Theories Regarding American Monetary Policy,” Journal of Fiscal Policy, December ’07), but I am honestly not in the mood.

My thing is: if he’s so interested  in my theories, then why didn’t he “have time” to meet last year when I called his office and wrote several urgent letters to him regarding the impending sub-prime mortgage crisis? At that time, I couldn’t even get past his secretary’s secretary, who told me my ideas were “very interesting,” and that she would be sure to pass them on to Paulson.

Continue reading "I’m Probably Going to Blow Off My Lunch With Hank Today" »