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February 02, 2008

I’m Probably Going to Blow Off My Lunch With Hank Today

We finish up our tour this evening in Washington DC, which believe it or not, is our nation’s capital. While in town, I am supposed to have a luncheon with the Secretary of the Treasury, Henry “Hank” Paulson, but I am probably going to blow it off. Paulson wants to hear me expound on some of my recently published transformative theories regarding American monetary policy (See: “Transformative Theories Regarding American Monetary Policy,” Journal of Fiscal Policy, December ’07), but I am honestly not in the mood.

My thing is: if he’s so interested  in my theories, then why didn’t he “have time” to meet last year when I called his office and wrote several urgent letters to him regarding the impending sub-prime mortgage crisis? At that time, I couldn’t even get past his secretary’s secretary, who told me my ideas were “very interesting,” and that she would be sure to pass them on to Paulson.

Eight months later, we’re on the verge of recession, people are losing their homes, the international stock market is teetering like one of those giant balancing rocks in a Road Runner cartoon, and now he decides to return my call?

From his point of view, I can understand why he didn’t take me seriously when I first started calling his office. After all, I am a marginally well-known basic cable comedian, which doesn’t necessarily translate to a holistic understanding of the American and global economies. Truth be told, if I was the Secretary of the Treasury, I would probably think to myself “That guy’s hilariously funny, but why should I listen to his transformative ideas regarding American monetary policy?”

How about because I’m awesome?

I tried explaining this to his staff, but when I started reeling off my various television credits, they were decidedly unimpressed. I wanted to say, “What cult films have you been in? 

At one point, I got in touch with somebody in his office who was willing to hear me out, but I told him I was only going to speak to the Big Man, and then I told him (perhaps foolishly) to fuck off. He was understandably insulted, but the truth is, I wasn’t interested in talking to an “Under Secretary.” If you’re the not the guy making policy, we have nothing to say to each other, Chico. (His name wasn’t Chico.)

Anyway, so now I’m in DC and of course my phone has been ringing off the hook. Paulson wants to meet, Bernake wants to meet, Greenspan wants to host a dinner, blah dee blah. I finally told the front desk to shut off my phone. I am about a five minute walk from Hooters. If they want me, they know where to find me. In the meantime, I’m going to be transforming some of my own American money into spicy hot buffalo wings and brew. The only inflation I’m worried about tonight is the kind that might occur in my pants.


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Parker

Those government suits are all the same. I mean, back in 1344 I sent around 30 heralds to the magistrate about the risk of a violent disease that could wipe out a third of the population in Europe, and never heard a peep back from him until, 3 years later, wouldn't you know it, we've got a plague on our hands!

Reen

Oh man, someone should tell you. Ok, ok, here's what went down. Hank bought your CD, and thanks to the magic of Kinkos now has a lifesize poster of your naked body hanging over his waterbed. "Interested in your theories", my foot.

You worry me. You're like a lamb in the wilderness out there.

Go have some brew, have some wings, (cover your adams apple), and for HEAVEN SAKES, stay a ball park away from *anyone* named Hank!

Yeesh.

Jacob

My name is actually Jacob. People think I say "Chico" but I am saying "Jacob" because that is my name.

Susanna

You are an oracle, Mr. Black. An oracle who really enjoys spicy hot buffalo wings and brew, but an oracle nonetheless.

Camille

I call my son "Chico" whenever he has a milk or chocolate 'stache.

dongle

i was getting ready to pop one off on my girlfriends face last night and i threw wasabi on her at the last second. she was not amused. you guys killed it at the synagogue. thanks for the laughs.

svg

ive only laughed harder in a synagogue once (faulty bima).

thanks for the laughter/tears.

ps: tell showalter he may have forgotten, but he's in love with my dear friend, helena. she's expecting a call asap.

pps: you can come back to our [neutral adjective] non-state any day you wanna. : )

Joe

The synagogue was a GREAT show! Thanks so much for gracing D.C. with both you and Michael's presences. We'd love to see you guys back sometime, oh, try and convince David to come with you guys too sometime soon!

Also, any official update on the movie(s) you guys are all writing. I heard rumors of a Black & Showalter movie project, and one such "State" movie. I'm hoping the two are separate from each other so we get two times the greatness.

ps: It took all of me not to shout out "Mckinley's a Fag!" when you commented on the general consensus that you are perceived as being gay. But I figured enough people had been shouting out various nonsensical phrases about Seattle and whatnot that I didn't want to interrupt your show any further. Thanks again for the great night!

Joe

The synagogue was a GREAT show! Thanks so much for gracing D.C. with both you and Michael's presences. We'd love to see you guys back sometime, oh, try and convince David to come with you guys too sometime soon!

Also, any official update on the movie(s) you guys are all writing. I heard rumors of a Black & Showalter movie project, and one such "State" movie. I'm hoping the two are separate from each other so we get two times the awesomeness.

ps: It took all of me not to shout out "Mckinley's a Fag!" when you commented on the general consensus that you are perceived as being gay. But I figured enough people had been shouting out various nonsensical phrases about Seattle and whatnot that I didn't want to interrupt your show any further. Thanks again for the great night!

Oh, the van with the painted on wizard on the superbowl commercial tonight made me and my friends to laugh hysterically.

Therese

Talking of pants inflation (not really), I finally got my copy of 'Wedding Daze' today.

Off topic, I know, but it was really good, and merited a plug here for anyone yet to see it.

Don't Mess With Texas

Very funny show, Michael. The airplane/pizza bit was great. Although it may be a moot point with your tour having just ended, I want to point an inaccuracy with something you said. You called “Don’t Mess With Texas” the motto of Texas. Yes, we’re returning to the Texas discussion. You’ll probably never want to bring the state up again. But in case you do… You probably realize that “Don’t Mess With Texas” is not the actual state motto. The state motto – somewhat ironically – is “Friendship.” “Don’t Mess With Texas” is the slogan the Texas Department of Transportation used for an anti-littering campaign. Clearly the slogan has resonated beyond its initial usage, as it gels quite well with Texans’ machismo and how they view themselves. I moved to Texas when I was in fifth grade and remember a t-shirt my stepfather had given me that illustrates my point. Nolan Ryan had just gotten into the brawl with Robin Ventura wherein the 46 year-old pitcher had placed the 26 year-old third baseman in a headlock after Ventura charged the mound. The t-shirt had a picture of Ryan with Ventura in the headlock placed against the backdrop of the state of the Texas. Above this graphic masterpiece was the phrase: “Just messed with Texas.” I wish I still had it. Thankfully, I moved out of Texas in high school. I agree though – Texans inflated sense of pride is something remarkably unique and ripe for lampooning.
As with all things, more information can be found on wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don't_Mess_with_Texas

Be

I loved your show at the synagogue! You were funny and the fact that you even agreed to perform at a synagogue was hilarious! My brother's new goal in life is to get a van with a naked woman painted on it... thanks for that.

Jen

Michael, were you wearing "guyliner" at the DC show? Maybe it was the synagogue pulpit lighting casting unflattering shadows on your face, but you looked a bit raccoon-ish. Nice ass, though.

Jen

P.S. I had |--this--| much of a boner for you.

Sean McVeigh

I really enjoyed the show, even though at 35, you were the only person older than me in the whole. No, wait, Showalter's parents were there, too.

Jenny

ugh. Hank is a truly awful name.

[note: my sincere apologies to those with loved ones named Hank.]

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