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February 20, 2008

I'm Going to Take A Screwdriver to Your Eye

Hey chumpy chip chippy chum-chum. I’m going to take a screwdriver to your eye. What kind of screwdriver? Phillips head. A big one. The kind that are too big to unscrew little screws. I’m going to get a large enough screwdriver that in the wrong hands, it might be considered ungainly. Furthermore, I would like it to be a well-made, name brand screwdriver. Maybe a Stanley, or an Accu-Screw, which is a brand name I just made up. That’s the kind of screwdriver I’m going to stick in your eye.

Not deep. I’m not going to put it in deep. Just enough so that it enters the eyeball, but not so deep that it reaches the back of the eye socket. This kind of precision work will require you to stand still, which will no doubt be very difficult. But if you move too much while I’m doing this, you could end up with my ungainly screwdriver in your brain. If we both do our jobs, you’ll probably be just fine when it’s over. Maybe your sight can even be restored. I don’t know. That’s more your problem than mine. My problem is getting the screwdriver and then putting it into your eye.

Will I sterilize the screwdriver? No. I have enough on my plate as it is without worrying about what germs might get into your eye. If you want the screwdriver sterilized, that’s something you’re going to have to do on your own time. My suggestion: that blue stuff barbers use on their scissors. I have always liked that stuff and wondered where they get it. Maybe that’s something you could find out?

How will I extract the screwdriver once I’ve got it in your eye? As quickly as I can. I’ll put it in, wiggle it around it a bit, and then try to get it out of there just as quickly as I can. I’m sure neither of us wants me to linger. Part of me is concerned that your eyeball will wrap itself around the screwdriver once it’s in there like The Blob, creating a suction that I’ll have to forcibly overcome before I can get the screwdriver back out. I hope not. I also hope it doesn’t make a “schlup” sound on its way out because that would be gross.

After it’s out, and this is the tricky part, I will try to return the screwdriver. My thinking is, the only reason I even have the screwdriver is so that I can stick it in your eye. After that’s accomplished, what’s the point of hanging on to it? There is no point, so I should try to get my money back on the thing, right? Obviously I am not going to tell them what I did with it. If they ask if I put the screwdriver in anybody’s eye, I will just say no. Yes, that’s lying, but is lying about what I’ve done with the screwdriver any worse than what I’m going to do with it? Personally, I don’t think so, and honestly, it’s better for the environment; after all, by returning it, that’s one less screwdriver Accu-Screw has to make.


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Grace

All right, Pangloss!

Susanna

...Backing away slowly...

Rylee

But why Michael? WHY??

Therese

You've been probing my phobias again...

Zane

Silly Michael.
Did you purchase something that needed assembly or perhaps try to fix something around the house that got you so frustrated it prompted this blog? Jews don't know how to handle tools, you should know that, and celebrity jews, I am sure, shouldn't endeavor to tackle an actual project of any magnitude.
Hand the tools over to your wife, take a deep, relaxing breath and it will all work out okay. I promise.

Taylor

Next to come: I'm Going to Take A Screwdriver to Your Urethra!

Camille

Time for Mikey B. to get screwy on yo ass!

Me again

This could totally be a metaphor for sex. Michael, if you really need someone to screw, I guess I'll volunteer.

Ethereal Zoe

Somebody's going to get sued by the fine folks at Accu-screw (tm):

http://www.rsvptooling.com/AS.pdf

I won't make a joke about the "holders" and "receivers".

Rabbi Shapiro from Legalzoom.com

Hey man, did you pop a couple quaaludes before you wrote this? There's at least two glaring typos in this. I think it is a fukcing funny post, but you're usually a stickler for grammar.

Terracotta P. James

Paragraph 2:

If we both [do] our jobs, you’ll probably be just fine [when] it’s over.

I'm assuming that's what you meant.

OJ

Hey Rabbi, do you have to pop a couple quaaludes to sleep at night?

Terracotta P. James

Also:

Paragraph 2:

Maybe your sight [could] even be restored.

Rabbi Shapiro from Legalzoom.com

You bet I do!

Erik

So by "wiggle," do you mean that you will twist it like you are screwing an imaginary screw, or will you be gyrating it at some angle to the axis of rotation as if turning an organ crank? This is very important information.

a-la-la-la

wow. so you're expecting your period anyday now, huh? hope it's not too crampy!

a-la-la-la

wow. so you're expecting your period anyday now, huh? hope it's not too crampy!

Jaime

I'm not so much amazed at the pressing desire to pop my eyeball with a sharp thing so much as your stunning ability to really work out the logistics of doing it. Plus, I love how we're a team at blinding me. We've both got jobs, and responsibilities, and goals: to mutilate my pretty jelly ball, and to make doing so as easy as possible for Michael. That sounds fair. And funny :)

Holly

I don't care what kind of person it makes me, I love this post!

Charlie

Greatings, Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day! Thank you Charlie

Jaime

Ok. In all honesty, THIS one is my favorite post. I tell people that bug me that I'll take screwdrivers to their eye all the time.

And I don't care what kind of person it makes me neither.

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Lovely deal! What else could you ask for!

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I'm scare. What comes in your mind to choose an eye to screw.

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