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February 22, 2008

Chicken Bubs

As I was watching the snow descend on the pastoral New England landscape outside my window today, I decided to Google the phrase "Chicken Bubs."

Mostly I was curious to see how many hits I would get. As it turns out, seven. I was surprised to discover the phrase yields such a low number, but then as I thought about it, it occurred to me that “bubs” isn’t even a word. And yet seven people decided to pair the nonsense word "bubs" with the definitely-a-word “chicken.”

After thinking it through I realized maybe my surprise should have been reversed: perhaps I should have been surprised that the Googling the phrase "chicken bubs" gave me SO MANY HITS.

Admittedly, two of those hits were from the same site, glasspipes.org, which is a “free online community for art glass pipes.” The pipes in question are called “Dos Original Flavor Chicken Bubs,” and they look exactly like what I hoped they would look like:

Img152600_img_5530

Those are truly fantastic chicken bub art glass pipes. Can you believe that somebody has the skill to make chicken bub art glass pipes that nice? Me either. And I’m not the only one who appreciates this master’s work. In the comments section, Rnsga wrote, “damn bro, luv em'! I was thinkin, man all he does is chickens... then I saw the elephant bub!”

Elephant bubs???

Naturally when I saw this, I decided I needed to Google “elephant bubs.” Do you want to take a moment to guess how many hits you get?

Answer: 6.

One FEWER than chicken bubs!!! Why are chicken bubs so much more popular than elephant bubs? One more may not seem like that many, but when you looked at as a percentage of the total, you will discover that chicken bubs are about 20% more popular elephant bubs. WOW!!!

Oddly enough, none of the hits had anything to do with art glass pipes. The only illustration I could find of what elephant bubs look like came from the thelordnick.com:

Elephantbubs

Cute yes, but I prefer the chicken bubs. With chickens and elephants out of the way, I decided to see how many hits I would get from combining other words with “bubs.” I started with animals:

Giraffe Bubs: 0
Squirrel Bubs: 19
Saber Tooth Tiger Bubs: 0 (Although it did ask me if I meant “saber tooth tiger cubs. Obviously I did not.)
Walrus Bubs: 0

And here’s where it gets weird-

Penguin Bubs: 3,200!!!

What's up with penguin bubs? Apparently there’s something out there called “Club Penguin,” and its members often receive “penguin bubs” from the same site that provides elephant bubs,  thelordnick.com/bubs 

Here’s what I discovered after checking out Club Penguin. Apparently, it's a “a safe virtual world for kids to play, interact with friends and have fun letting their imaginations soar.” Here’s my question: how safe can it be if Lord Nick is running around giving everybody penguin bubs? Not very safe at all.

Incidentally, Club Penguin is owned by Disney. I Googled the phrase “Disney Bubs.” Do you think I got any hits?

Yes, I did.

How many? Take a guess:

Answer: one. One hit on Disney Bubs, which links to a site called acupetix.com.

What is acupetix.com? You will be fascinated to learn that it’s the website of Stephanie Petix, who specializes in “Japanese style acupuncture.” On her website, Stephanie claims to be “a tour guide to your body.”

Why is this fascinating? Because I didn’t give you ALL of the information. When you Google “Disney Bubs,” you will discover that acupetix.com is actually a front for a more devious website. The FULL address you get when you Google “Disney Bubs” is:

acupetix.com/food-messy-girls.html

What do you get when you click on the above address? FREE HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEOS!!!

Which raises the trouble question: is corporate America using unsuspecting acupuncturists to front hardcore sex websites? To find out, I decided to Google several more corporate behemoths with the word “Bubs” to see what I could discover.

McDonalds Bubs: 0 hits.
Michelin Tire Bubs: 0 hits.
Coca Cola Bubs: 12 Hits.

Twelve hits on Coca Cola Bubs? Yes, eleven of which were related to Lord Nick, who also created penguin and elephant bubs. The last, however, connects you to shwsite.org, which appears to be some sort of Polish blog. In fact, nearly everything in the website is in Polish EXCEPT for a post on the right side of the website entitled “My anus is bleeding.”

If you click on “My anus is bleeding,” you will discover more gibberish (Polish), but there is a hyperlink entitled “2Up.” Click on it.

The first entry is entitled “Friday Girlz 05.” Click on any of Friday Girlz and what do you discover?

PORN!!!

My favorite of which was the photo set of these two:

080222fg_05

Okay, so Disney and Coca Cola are distributing porn. What about other "good corporate citizens?"

Pepsi Bubs: 22 hits, all related to Lord Nick, who we already know is in bed with the pornographers.
Taco Bell Bubs: 0 hits.
Home Depot Bubs: 0 hits.
Fuji Bubs: 0 hits.
Nike Bubs: 3 hits.

Yes Nike, which immediately brought to mind the troubling slogan, "Just do it." My fears were misplaced, however, as I investigated further. It turns out that somebody on Ebay is selling “Ohio State Nike Bubs and Creeper Set.” This is what that looks like:

489c_1_b

Cute, right? Until you realize these are designed FOR ADULTS!!!

Yes, the deeper I got into this, the uglier it got. After twelve and a half hours, I simply felt too dirty to continue, so I am leaving any further research to other people. Some phrases I think need to be searched:

"Tic Tac Bubs"
"Dorito Bubs"
"Wilson Pickett Bubs"
"Bub Bubs"
"Rub-A-Dub Three Men in a Tub Bubs"
"GE Electric Light Bubs"
"Do You Want To Hook Up Later And Get Some Grub Bubs?"
"All You Need Is Bubs"

Where this will end, I have no idea. Somebody is obviously making A LOT of money off of the word "bubs." Is it Lord Nick? No. Lord Nick is just a patsy. Interestingly, Lord Nick has another website, Thelordnick.com. The website appears to be under construction, as it has been since 2006. However, look at the "construction" graphic. What does it look like?

A coffin. Lord Nick is warning all of us not to get too close to this story. So be it. I'm not going to risk my life taking on corporate America. We already know what they did to this man:

Ralph_smith

And these buildings:

The_world_trade_center

I have a family who need me.

But, if you're interested, guess how many hits you get when you Google "World Trade Center Bubs?"

ZERO!

Who erased all the hits on World Trade Center Bubs?

We may never know.


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some person

I tested your theory.

"Grandma bubs" has some sort of unintentional upskirt porn.

http://family.webshots.com/photo/1503408239059953235lkmdse

Camille

73,800 hits for "Michael Ian Black bubs".

If you like the chicken bub, the Bea Arthur bub is something to behold.

Me again

Wow, that was epic.

Did you see the "celebrity bubs" on the Lord Nick website? They include: Demetri Martin, Jim Gaffigan, Conan, OJ, Fabio and Mr.T! You can suggest a celebrity, but you have to mail him ONE DOLLAR! It gives instructions on how to address an envelope! This is literally the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I am getting my dollar out right now, and I cannot wait to be the proud owner of a Michael Ian Black celebrity bub.

Reen

This was SO funny, Bub! I like how your mind goes all over the joint, yet somehow, amazingly, everything gets tied up together with a nice bow at the end.

Sometime this w/e I plan to click on all of those sites, just because I'm way too curious for my own good. And added plus: you never know what cool viruses you can get from all the free porn sites!

Thanks for the laughter, Michael. The best medicine, indeed.

Me again

Try:
www.bubs.com

It takes you to Tufts University's All Male A-Cappella Group. The name of the group? The Beelzebubs.

So I'm pretty sure that's who is behind it all. Satan.

Parker

Thank god for the truly gifted investigative minds of America. Someone should write a series of low-grade mystery novels about your exploits.

Reen

I couldn't stand it anymore. I clicked on them all. Including the hardcore web site (is that A.D. Miles?). Why does everyone make that fakey O shape with their mouth? No way is every damned one of them saying "Ooohh" every time the camera flashes. What happened to "Aahh"? Or "Mmmmm"? Bunch of pimply butt fake boobed oozy-sore porno posers.

Susanna

I am so glad that you have finally exposed the sordid "Bub" corporate porn industry. It's about time!

Also, "The Lord Nick" is actually an anagram for "Kinder Cloth". Does that mean anything? Probably not.

Therese

"The Lord Nick"? as in "Old Nick"? The Lord Nick also has an anagram of 'then lick rod', which nicely ties in with the porn connection.

But porn makes the world go round. Why do you think they invented the video iPod? The ability to carry your video wank fodder with you at all times, is surely what living in the capitalist free world is all about.

Jake

It really makes you think. Thanks for the investigative reporting. You blew the doors off this one.

Rabbi Shapiro from Legalzoom.com

Tiffany and Co. has started their own crystal bubbler line.

Jaime

Porn bub: 104

Look at you, moving the masses to action. Ahhh, what delicious power :, You are certainly my go-to random guy, who knows all that is unrestrainedly arbitrarily daft phenomena, and knows what to do with it -- cheers to you dear! Next, a corporate porn bub march on Washington. Slogan: "Listen up Dub, No Coke Porn Bubs!" Let us unite in silliness.

clubpenguinhottie

club penguin!
it may seem innocent... but its not. try playing it. you'll see.

benjamin eakin

probably my favorite blog to date.

Ethereal Zoe

This blog was hilarious!

Also, you've changed my life because I think those bubs are about the cutest things I've ever seen. So thanks!

-z

Me again

I was so upset that I didn't get tickets to the UCB show that I actually cried. I've waited half my lifetime to see The State, they finally come to the town I live in, and it sold out. I'm really sad.

Charlotte

I also thought the man from the porn video was a.d. miles!

Leona

Oh, Michael Ian Black. Now I understand how you became qualified to comment on all those VH1 specials: Exhaustive research! Thank you!

shw

hi - thanks for NOT reading my blog. If you would you would know that - "My anus is bleeding" is not a post in english (there are 4 post in english on my site - in category.. "english"). and if you're counting post's titles as english parts - there are a lot more of them. and the post about anus is a link to youtube video, 2up is just added as source of that video (for me).

anyway - thanks for your visit. and Polish is not gibberish!

joshua opdenaker

hey thanks Michael, I am the creator of those chicken bubs and many more similar to those. Your blog definitely brightened my day. You should check out the devil chicken bub....glasspipes.org/JOP or my non-pipe art at glassartists.org/JoshuaOpdenaker

bubbler

thanks Bloggers

I am so glad that you have finally exposed the sordid "Bub" porn industry! Nice...very very nice!

adidasi

the bub is strong
ty man

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Pornography is one of the largest industries in the world, especially on the website-based ones. I had heard so much rumors about non-porn related important companies that indirecty use those sites to promote them.

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