As I was watching the snow descend on the pastoral New England landscape outside my window today, I decided to Google the phrase "Chicken Bubs."
Mostly I was curious to see how many hits I would get. As it turns out, seven. I was surprised to discover the phrase yields such a low number, but then as I thought about it, it occurred to me that “bubs” isn’t even a word. And yet seven people decided to pair the nonsense word "bubs" with the definitely-a-word “chicken.”
After thinking it through I realized maybe my surprise should have been reversed: perhaps I should have been surprised that the Googling the phrase "chicken bubs" gave me SO MANY HITS.
Admittedly, two of those hits were from the same site, glasspipes.org, which is a “free online community for art glass pipes.” The pipes in question are called “Dos Original Flavor Chicken Bubs,” and they look exactly like what I hoped they would look like:
Those are truly fantastic chicken bub art glass pipes. Can you believe that somebody has the skill to make chicken bub art glass pipes that nice? Me either. And I’m not the only one who appreciates this master’s work. In the comments section, Rnsga wrote, “damn bro, luv em'! I was thinkin, man all he does is chickens... then I saw the elephant bub!”
Naturally when I saw this, I decided I needed to Google “elephant bubs.” Do you want to take a moment to guess how many hits you get?
One FEWER than chicken bubs!!! Why are chicken bubs so much more popular than elephant bubs? One more may not seem like that many, but when you looked at as a percentage of the total, you will discover that chicken bubs are about 20% more popular elephant bubs. WOW!!!
Oddly enough, none of the hits had anything to do with art glass pipes. The only illustration I could find of what elephant bubs look like came from the thelordnick.com:
Cute yes, but I prefer the chicken bubs. With chickens and elephants out of the way, I decided to see how many hits I would get from combining other words with “bubs.” I started with animals:
Giraffe Bubs: 0
Squirrel Bubs: 19
Saber Tooth Tiger Bubs: 0 (Although it did ask me if I meant “saber tooth tiger cubs. Obviously I did not.)
Walrus Bubs: 0
And here’s where it gets weird-
Penguin Bubs: 3,200!!!
What's up with penguin bubs? Apparently there’s something out there called “Club Penguin,” and its members often receive “penguin bubs” from the same site that provides elephant bubs, thelordnick.com/bubs
Here’s what I discovered after checking out Club Penguin. Apparently, it's a “a safe virtual world for kids to play, interact with friends and have fun letting their imaginations soar.” Here’s my question: how safe can it be if Lord Nick is running around giving everybody penguin bubs? Not very safe at all.
Incidentally, Club Penguin is owned by Disney. I Googled the phrase “Disney Bubs.” Do you think I got any hits?
Yes, I did.
How many? Take a guess:
Answer: one. One hit on Disney Bubs, which links to a site called acupetix.com.
What is acupetix.com? You will be fascinated to learn that it’s the website of Stephanie Petix, who specializes in “Japanese style acupuncture.” On her website, Stephanie claims to be “a tour guide to your body.”
Why is this fascinating? Because I didn’t give you ALL of the information. When you Google “Disney Bubs,” you will discover that acupetix.com is actually a front for a more devious website. The FULL address you get when you Google “Disney Bubs” is:
What do you get when you click on the above address? FREE HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEOS!!!
Which raises the trouble question: is corporate America using unsuspecting acupuncturists to front hardcore sex websites? To find out, I decided to Google several more corporate behemoths with the word “Bubs” to see what I could discover.
McDonalds Bubs: 0 hits.
Michelin Tire Bubs: 0 hits.
Coca Cola Bubs: 12 Hits.
Twelve hits on Coca Cola Bubs? Yes, eleven of which were related to Lord Nick, who also created penguin and elephant bubs. The last, however, connects you to shwsite.org, which appears to be some sort of Polish blog. In fact, nearly everything in the website is in Polish EXCEPT for a post on the right side of the website entitled “My anus is bleeding.”
The first entry is entitled “Friday Girlz 05.” Click on any of Friday Girlz and what do you discover?
My favorite of which was the photo set of these two:
Okay, so Disney and Coca Cola are distributing porn. What about other "good corporate citizens?"
Pepsi Bubs: 22 hits, all related to Lord Nick, who we already know is in bed with the pornographers.
Taco Bell Bubs: 0 hits.
Home Depot Bubs: 0 hits.
Fuji Bubs: 0 hits.
Nike Bubs: 3 hits.
Yes Nike, which immediately brought to mind the troubling slogan, "Just do it." My fears were misplaced, however, as I investigated further. It turns out that somebody on Ebay is selling “Ohio State Nike Bubs and Creeper Set.” This is what that looks like:
Cute, right? Until you realize these are designed FOR ADULTS!!!
Yes, the deeper I got into this, the uglier it got. After twelve and a half hours, I simply felt too dirty to continue, so I am leaving any further research to other people. Some phrases I think need to be searched:
"Tic Tac Bubs"
"Wilson Pickett Bubs"
"Rub-A-Dub Three Men in a Tub Bubs"
"GE Electric Light Bubs"
"Do You Want To Hook Up Later And Get Some Grub Bubs?"
"All You Need Is Bubs"
Where this will end, I have no idea. Somebody is obviously making A LOT of money off of the word "bubs." Is it Lord Nick? No. Lord Nick is just a patsy. Interestingly, Lord Nick has another website, Thelordnick.com. The website appears to be under construction, as it has been since 2006. However, look at the "construction" graphic. What does it look like?
A coffin. Lord Nick is warning all of us not to get too close to this story. So be it. I'm not going to risk my life taking on corporate America. We already know what they did to this man:
And these buildings:
I have a family who need me.
But, if you're interested, guess how many hits you get when you Google "World Trade Center Bubs?"
Who erased all the hits on World Trade Center Bubs?
We may never know.