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January 11, 2008

Time to Take a Stand

The Presidential election season has officially kicked into high gear, and the stakes for our country couldn’t be higher. A difficult war, a teetering economy, growing inequity between rich and poor – these are just some of the challenges our next President is going to have to face. Among the candidates you can find varying opinions on every major issue of the day, except one. Not one of the candidates from either party, not one, has clearly stated his (or her) position on kiddie porn.

Why not? What are we make to of this deafening silence?

Before continuing, I would like to make my own position known so that there is no confusion about where I stand – I am one hundred percent against kiddie porn. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anybody who is more against kiddie porn than me. Some people might be equally against it, but I defy anybody to say they are more against kiddie porn than myself. I hate kiddie porn.

As I begin the process of trying to decide who to endorse for the highest office in our land, I would like to go on record and say that any candidate who comes out in favor of kiddie porn is NOT going to get my vote! I don’t care how they justify it. I don’t care how they spin it. If I hear any candidate utter the phrase, “I support kiddie porn,” I will turn my back on him or her.

Maybe the candidates are keeping quiet because they have something to hide in their pasts. If they have skeletons in their closet, I would much rather have them be forthright about the matter than silent. Call a press conference and say, “Look, a few years ago I was into kiddie porn. I apologize and it won’t happen again.” Barack Obama has already admitted to being a total coke head, and yet he’s one of the front runners. Americans are forgiving people. Give us a chance.

If they have nothing to hide, why not say so? For some of the candidates, their silence is simply bewildering. Mike Huckabee, for example, is a Baptist minister! He has no problem espousing his belief in Creationism, yet I have never heard him take a stand against kiddie porn. Why not? Why does Mike Huckabee believe Creationism is more important than kiddie porn?

On the Democratic side, John Edwards has also been silent on the issue. He’s too busy campaigning on a platform to change the status quo in Washington, except apparently, when it comes to kiddie porn!

A couple years ago, I made a similar declaration about baby eating. It was (and is) important to me that the candidates take a position against eating babies, and I made my feelings known in print. None of them so much as put the words “eating” and “baby” next to each other in a single campaign slogan or major speech. The result? American prestige is currently at an all-time low.

Do our politicians really value our children so little that they are unwilling to take a stand against kiddie pornography and baby eating? I am definitely not suggesting that any particular candidate is in favor of either of these two ghastly practices, but to my mind, silence is akin to complicity. I am definitely not saying that Mitt Romney is into kiddie porn, but doesn’t their silence send a message to baby eaters and child pornographers that they have a sympathetic friend in high places?

Perhaps they are unwilling to risk losing the “kiddie porn” vote. This is understandable. In a race as tight as this one, every vote matters. But I would suggest to the candidates that when you court the votes of kiddie pornographers and their customers, you run the risk of alienating voters like me. They can no longer have it both ways.

Which is why I am asking all Presidential candidates to take the following pledge:

“I (state your name) am against kiddie porn. If elected President of the United States of America, I will not purposely view or use kiddie porn. Furthermore, I will not appoint anybody who uses kiddie porn to my cabinet or the United States Supreme Court. Nor will I invite child pornographers to spend the night at the White House. As President, I will also forbid my children or grandchildren from participating in the manufacture or distribution of such pornography, no matter how much money they are offered.  And I won’t eat babies.”

Short. Simple. Unambiguous.

I encourage every reader to print out a copy of this pledge and send it to your favorite Presidential candidate. Insist they take the pledge. Demand it. Even if you are unable to take such a pledge yourself, for whatever reason.

We have to hold our candidates to a higher standard. Yes, national security is important. The war is important. The economy is important. But damn it, so are the children! I am a parent, and when I vote, I am not just voting for myself, but I am also voting for the children, our nation’s most vulnerable citizens. How can I support an entire slate of Presidential candidates who are into eating babies and watching kiddie porn? Answer: I can’t.

I know that nobody’s perfect. But when it comes to choosing a President, I have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. Kiddie porn and eating babies are where I choose to make my stand. Join me in demanding accountability from our next President. Together we can make a difference.


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I see.

And what about those nefarious bastards who combine both baby eating AND kiddie porn? Those movies are VERY hard to get off on if you ask me (and very dangerous, too).

Personally, I think Giuliani supports kiddie porn...but only if the child's family was affected by 9/11 in 6 degrees or less.


...too soon?


I agree.
Is it coincidental that you no longer see candidates kissing babies and the complete avoidance of the topic? That's cause them babies is delicious!


I disagree. The only thing better than eating a baby is buying a fetus in a jar!


Frankly, I'm shocked that more people don't support the baby eating movement.

Babies want to be eaten!

Ronald Reagan started eating my son right before he took office and didn't even bother to finish. Fast-forward ten days later and I'm stuck a legless, half-eaten baby covered in barbecue sauce. To this day my son is PARALYZED by feelings of rejection, inadequacy...and not having legs.


When our Prime Minister has his head surgically implanted into the rectum of the new President (which seems to be an unspoken rule of office apparently), I'll be sure to email number 10 and ask if he can check for evidence of baby eating while he's up there.

Jeff C

As I'm sure you were inundated with adoration (I got 1200 on my SAT verbal) during your radio show the other night, I'll do more than just say "Dude, I totally talked to you that one time." I'm "Jeff from Ohio," who called in late in the show to talk about the based-in-fact comedy vs. weird/random-for-the-sake-of-weird/random comedy. I also wanted to weigh in on "chipotle" as a word, movement, and menace to American English.

Well, I don't really want to do that last part. Chipotle and me have an understanding: I won't eat it in exchange for it not giving me explosive gas, and as a perk, I don't slam it in the public eye.

Anyway, those opening remarks aside, I just wanted to take a second and thank you and Michael Showalter for being such down-to-earth dudes, and for the following:
1) Stella, especially "the modern global marketplace" presentation which more than a year after its initial run still makes me laugh to near-blacking out;
2) The State, for making me instantly geek-chic with people my age and older both now as a reminiscence and back during its run.

My wife, who loves you, was most impressed that you and Michael were the reason I was home from work so late that night.

Again, thanks for everything and keep up the great work.

--Jeff from Ohio

Zack G

priceless soundbite: "mitt romney is into kiddie porn", says very famous celebrity michael ian black

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