Dallas Tonight

Tonight is our show in Dallas. Hard to believe, but this is my first time in Dallas, and although I've only been here about twenty minutes, and despite the fact that the only part of Dallas I've seen to this point is the highway leading from the airport to the House of Blues, I've already developed some VERY STRONG OPINIONS about this town, which follow:   

1. The drive from the airport to the House of Blues is too long. It took us about forty five minutes. Too long. If I ever become mayor of Dallas, which is unlikely but not impossible, I will relocate the House of Blues to the US Airways terminal at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport. 

2. Dallas has a nice skyline. I suppose that can't really be considered a very strong opinion, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

3. Tony Romo sucks at football. To be fair, I don't really know anything about football (despite the fact that I was All-State and played for Auburn), but I know that Tony Romo is the quarterback for the Dallas football team (who are called, I believe, the Dallas Wranglers), and I thought I would use my limited knowledge of the Dallas sporting scene to my comedic advantage. Tony Romo, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I bet you're actually very good at football.

4. Dallas is disgusting. I have no reason at all to say this other than the airport smelled a little bit like day old fried chicken. So I extrapolated that to mean that the entire Dallas metropolitan area is disgusting.

5. The bouncers in Dallas don't drink Sierra Mist. I know this because when I showed up at the House of Blues, two bouncers stopped me. I had to explain who I was three times before they would let me in. If they drank Sierra Mist here, this would not have been a problem.

Another Super Day

Once again, I had a super day. I'm told a lot of people never have any super days (commies, for example). But I am blessed in that almost every day of my life would best be described as "super." Over time some people would probably take their super days for granted. Not me. Because I'm a "stop and smell the roses" kind of guy. And when I do, do you know how those roses smell? They smell super.

What did I do today that was so super? Well, today was Wednesday, and Wednesday is my "visit sick kids in the hospital" day. Boy do those little faces light up when they see their favorite sardonic VH1 commentator walk through the doors bringing balloons and snarkiness. Yes, I give them the gift of laughter, but they give me a gift that's even better: money. I charge the hospital two hundred dollars per visit, a HUGE discount from my normal speaking fee, but still a pretty good wage for a half hour of "Cabbage Patch Kid" commentary.

After the hospital I went over to Wendy's for some ninety nine cent chili and a Frosty. The combination of hot and cold always gets me totally jacked up. Sometimes I put a little Frosty in my chili and vice versa just to fuck around. It tastes like shit, but at these prices, who cares? I left there feeling pretty full and pretty super.

From Wendy's it was on to the car wash, where I waited around until somebody didn't use all their time witih the vacuum hose, and then I swooped in and did the whole interior of my car for FREE!!! Actually, it was less than free because I found a nickel under one of the floor mats. It's like the car wash was paying me to clean my car. Far out!

Borders was next on my "to do" list. For anybody whose ever been to Borders, you know they don't carry Penthouse. That's okay, because they DO carry a "photographer's magazine" that almost always has some pretty sweet pictures of topless chicks inside. Even better, you can look at the thing all day long and if somebody asks what you're doing, you can just say you're studying "apertures." That ought to shut them up because the only people who use the word aperture are serious photography nerds. The only reason I even learned the word is so I could spend more time looking at majestic nips in rich, vibrant Fuji film.

The dog track is not open on Wednesday. At least not the one near my house. But there's always a dog running somewhere. So I went over to the OTB and placed a few bets. Didn't win shit, but I was playing with the hospital's money, and even though I lost the whole two hunney, I was still a nickel to the good because of my adventure at the car wash.

The rest of the day involved seeing my wife and kids and whatever, which was whatever. But when you combine the sick kids, Wendy's, Borders, the OTB, and the crank I was on the entire time, it was another super day!

What I Learned at the Kennel

A few days ago, I wrote a post about putting my dog to sleep. Several people asked me if I really put down my dog. I didn't. I was just kidding. But it reminded me of an experience I had a few years ago that I thought I would share with you now...

The symptoms started soon after taking a new job. I had been out of work for a while and was looking for something to keep me going until the next acting gig appeared. When I saw there was an opening at the local pound, I jumped. I have always loved animals, and here was a chance to do some good. Plus, when I went in for the interview, my potential boss Kathy told me I’d be able to assist with euthanizing the animals, something I’d always wanted to do. We talked for about a half hour and she offered me the job right then and there. I accepted. No, I’d never get rich putting dogs to sleep, but at least I’d be doing some good.

The first few days were great. I helped to keep the kennels clean, answered the phones and killed a lot of dogs. Then, after about a week, I found myself starting to feel out of sorts: I was feeling lethargic, food tasted bad, and I began getting headaches. Naturally I was worried. What was going on with me?

My "I Am Legend" Screen Test

Now that it's been in theaters for a while, I feel like I can finally talk about my screen test for the Will Smith film "I Am Legend." I was being considered for the part of the main zombie (I don't remember what they called them in the movie, but they were basically zombies). Now you might think, "Hey, Michael Ian Black doesn't seem like a good choice to lead an army of man-eating zombies in a Will Smith movie," but you didn't see my audition. I was incredible. Here's a still photo from the screen test:

As you can plainly see, very scary. That's my pool boy Nick playing the part of Will Smith.

I should probably clarify that when I say, "Screen Test," this was not something that the studio wanted me to do. It was done on my time, using my web cam, and my pool boy.

When I initially inquired as to whether or not the studio would be interested in seeing me read for the part of the zombie leader, they said, "No thank you," probably because they harbor many of the same doubts you have. They think Michael Ian Black, they think "Kind of gay VH1 commentator" instead of "versatile classically trained actor who once played the part of The Pirate King in Gilbert & Sullivan's operetta 'The Pirates of Penzance' at camp."

Time to Take a Stand

The Presidential election season has officially kicked into high gear, and the stakes for our country couldn’t be higher. A difficult war, a teetering economy, growing inequity between rich and poor – these are just some of the challenges our next President is going to have to face. Among the candidates you can find varying opinions on every major issue of the day, except one. Not one of the candidates from either party, not one, has clearly stated his (or her) position on kiddie porn.

Why not? What are we make to of this deafening silence?

Before continuing, I would like to make my own position known so that there is no confusion about where I stand – I am one hundred percent against kiddie porn. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anybody who is more against kiddie porn than me. Some people might be equally against it, but I defy anybody to say they are more against kiddie porn than myself. I hate kiddie porn.

As I begin the process of trying to decide who to endorse for the highest office in our land, I would like to go on record and say that any candidate who comes out in favor of kiddie porn is NOT going to get my vote! I don’t care how they justify it. I don’t care how they spin it. If I hear any candidate utter the phrase, “I support kiddie porn,” I will turn my back on him or her.

Plans for Tomorrow

Well, it's almost midnight, which means it's time to start making plans for tomorrow. First things first - I HAVE to finish my latch hook rug! I've been trying to finish it for about six weeks, but every time I sit down with my latch and my hook, the phone rings or the fire detector goes off or somebody shoots something. My wall is in desperate need of a kittens in a basket latch hook rug and come Hell or high water, tomorrow is the day wall and rug finally meet.

Also on my agenda for tomorrow - grocery shopping! We have been out of mayonnaise for about two days now. That may not seem like a big deal, but around my house it's an emergency. Pretty much everything the wife cooks has mayonnaise in it, and when we have to do without, everybody is pretty crabby. Tonight for example, we were SUPPOSED to have fried chicken. But how are you going to eat fried chicken without mayo? Answer - you're not. I just threw mine at her and made her clean it up. Later I apologize and offered to pick up some of that good whipped spread at the grocery store tomorrow.

Third: exercise. I have promised myself that I am going to get into my exercise regimen. For me, that means getting the old recumbent bicycle out of the garage, dusting it off, and putting it to use. I got my Exercycle from the gal down the road. She was selling it on her lawn for twenty bucks. I jewed her down to ten and then let the thing collect dust in my garage. Starting tomorrow I'm putting that fucker to work. All that extra Christmas mayo has got to come off.

Finally, tomorrow is the day I start loving myself.

It's also the day we put the dog to sleep. I'll probably put the dog to sleep before I start loving myself, just so I can end the day on a positive note.

Fair Game

If you're looking for stimulating talk from atheist Sam Harris, actor Andre Royo, and Blitzen Trapper singer Eric Early - feel free to check out me guest hosting "Fair Game" tonight. Tomorrow: Producer Phil Ramone and new band Bell.

Click here