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January 30, 2008

Happy National Tickle Day!*

Happy National Tickle Day*

Well, it’s January 31st again and like every January 31st, that means it’s National Tickle Day*, the day when you take a little bit of time out of your day to tickle somebody special.

I’ve got some big plans for National Tickle Day*, starting with an early morning tickle session with Mrs. Black. Normally she hates being tickled, but she loves America more than she hates being tickled and so for this one day each year she puts up with it. (She doesn’t know that National Tickle Day is observed in many countries around the world and not just America, but I’m not going to tell her that. Tee-hee.) Where am I going to tickle her? Only my fingers know!!! (Hint: on her tummy.)

After I’ve done my dastardly work on the wife, I’ll sneak over to the kids’ room. Suri and Maddox LOVE being tickled and often ask for tickles even when it’s NOT National Tickle Day*. So for them I’ve got a special treat in store – feather duster tickles. I bought two feather dusters, one for each child (to prevent spreading germs) and I’m going to surprise them by rousing them from sleep at dawn with a FEATHER DUSTER TICKLE ATTACK!!! My daughter is currently recovering from pneumonia, so I’ll have to watch out for her IV tube, but I know she won’t want to miss out on the fun.

(Another secret: I bought an extra feather duster for the Mrs., but I’m not going to use it for tickling… I’m going to use it for dusting!)

Breakfast, of course, will be tickle –related. We’ll have foods that one or all of us are slightly allergic to: whole milk, strawberries and raw nuts!

Then I’ll head to the office, where I will launch a surprise tickle attack on my boss, Pete. Pete’s a big guy, probably close to three hundred pounds, and he will not see this coming at all! Chances are he won’t be too happy about finding my hands jammed into his armpits, but it’ll be worth it to see him giggling and trying to escape my relentless tickle torture!!! I’m having a titter just thinking about it. Pete is not known for being a “good sport,” but when I inform him that it’s National Tickle Day*, I think he’ll probably end up walking away with a big smile on that stupid face of his.

Another co-worker I am going to tickle the heck out of is our Human Resources VP, Trish. She’s about my age, slender figure, and VERY uptight. Here’s the plan: head down to her office, sneak up behind her and give her one of my patented (and devastating) “reach around inner thigh tickle storms.” Most people are EXTREMELY ticklish on the inner thigh, and I have it on good authority that Trish is no exception. Hopefully Trish knows it’s National Tickle Day*, otherwise I could find myself in some pretty hot water vis a vis a “sexual harassment lawsuit.” I’ll take my chances.

Some of the other folks who are going to get a double-barreled tickle blast:

• Rick, the bagel guy
• Patrice in security
• Quentin, who I don’t really know
• That old Indian lady I sometimes see at the newsstand
• Anybody else who happens to get within “tickle range.”

I’ve been doing finger exercises for weeks in preparation for the big day because I am not going to let cramping cramp my fun!!! This is my absolute favorite holiday because National Tickle Day* is the one day each year when we all let our guards down and enjoy some good old-fashioned belly laughs. Not at the expense of anybody else, but just because somebody is touching us in places where don’t expect them to. Happy hunting everybody and have a great National Tickle Day!*

*It’s not National Tickle Day


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You sly devil!


How glorious it must be to live within your tickle-range...

monk fish mcgraw

Why am I so alone?


You do have the hands of a Pianist. I would imagine those long, nimble fingers to be merciless.

(Um, not that I do that often. You know. Imagine stuff)


This tickled my funny bone.


This funnied my tickle bone.


I am tickled pink that you've acknowledged this often overlooked day. Plus it's really good for my jaundice.


Dear Michael,

Two things:

1. Where is the “Send Michael Ian Black a Message” link on this page?

2. I used to be a fan, but unfortunately I just watched Wedding Daze from beginning to end. Although I was in the mood for some really bad schlock, I nevertheless found myself, quite simply, appalled. Yes, I understand that it was not so much a direct-to-dvd film that didn’t deliver, as it was a comment on direct-to-dvd films that don’t deliver. However, even in this capacity, I don’t think it, well, delivered. I mean, I gave it every opportunity. In fact, I actually watched Blond Ambition immediately before I popped in this little gem. Needless to say, your work didn’t hold up in comparison. Indeed, Jessica Simpson’s acting was less cartoon-y than the bulk of Daze. (A cock ring, Michael?!)

I think what bothers me the most about the sheer awfulness of your film is the fact that it could have been redeemed, made brilliant even, if you yourself had starred in it. (Do you think an increasingly puffy Jason Biggs plays younger than you?) With you in the lead role, rather than just being an ill-advised film that fell flat, Wedding Daze would have been the Citizen Kane of superfluous, sorta edgy, yet really labored romantic comedies. This could have been your Shakes the Clown! Such opportunities only come along once in a career.

-A friend.


The Latin Kings spray-painted the crap out of the railway piggyback. Crowns everywhere, I could barely make out the words. But between all the symbols of unity (and hate), I read a statement. A statement so pure in it's simplicity and truth that I want to share it with you all here today. It said:

"Anderson (from the internet) - DIE Muthafucka! DIE!"

(Everything was spelled pretty good, too...for a gang banger)


So someone would write you off for one movie they didn't enjoy? Pfffft........
(I thought using Jason Biggs was perfect)

my little pony princess luna

*hides from tickles*

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