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January 18, 2008

Finally - Hate Mail!

It's about time. Yesterday was the first time I received hate mail on this blog. I've had this blog up for about four months - what took so long? The first one was from Jimmy, who wrote:

"Me and my wife saw you tonight and we left 1/2 way through.  You guys suck and should stay out of the great state of Texas."

Thank you, Jimmy, for having the courage and decency to express an unpopular opinion in this forum. I told Michael Showalter (who performed with me last night) about your comment and he had the same question that I had. It's a math question:

If Jimmy and his wife stayed for half the show, that would mean they only saw Michael Showalter's set, because he does the first half of the show and then I do the second. If that's the case, I don't think it's fair for him to say that "you guys" suck, because he would have only seen Michael Showalter, who did not suck at all. In fact, he was very funny! But if Jimmy stayed for half of my set, that would have put him about 3/4 of the way through the show before leaving. The only way he could have seen half of the show and seen both of us was if he and his wife arrived halfway through Showalter's set, and then left halfway through mine - this was a real brain scrambler, Jimmy. Thanks for posting it. Either way, I'm sorry you left early because you missed my big finish, in which I brought out a Texas state flag and pissed all over it. (But in a funny way.)


This was the second hurtful comment:

"This comedy was bad. MY buddy said you were the Sierra Mist dude and thought the other dude was in Sierra Mist. BUT HE WAS'NT."

At first I thought maybe a foreign exchange student posted this comment, because it's barely English. If so, I can understand why the comedy may not have been to your liking. When English isn't your first language, it's probably tough to "get" the jokes. Somebody probably should have warned you that the show was going to be in English, and in the future, I will inform TicketMaster to please warn people of this fact when they call.

If you are not a foreign exchange student then I don't know what to say; your comment is very confusing. I've been puzzling over it all day and even now it's still unclear to me.

When you write "this comedy was bad," I assume you were at last night's show and found it "bad." Okay. But then it starts to get a little more confusing. You write, "MY buddy said you were the Sierra Mist dude..." Fair enough. But why capitalize "MY"? Are you emphasizing that it was YOUR buddy who said it? If so, was there somebody's buddy there who disagreed? How many buddies were at the show with you? Were some people's buddies not buddies with other people's buddies? If so, I thank God a rumble didn't break out because that could have been very bad.

You continue: "...and thought the other dude was in Sierra Mist. BUT HE WAS'NT." What I take from this is that you were upset that your buddy thought that Showalter is in the Sierra Mist ads, not me. When he found out that Showalter is NOT in those commercials, you both got very upset. When you write "BUT HE WAS'NT," what I'm sensing is betrayal. Did your buddy feel betrayed on some level that I'm the guy in the commercials, not Showalter? If that's the case, all I can do is apologize. Mistaken identity can indeed be tragic. Some people go to jail for this very reason. If your buddy was the victim of mistaken identity in the past, I can definitely understand why he was upset. I would be upset, too.

What I take from these hateful comments is that people care enough to express their opinions to me. Not necessarily in a constructive or articulate manner, or even in English, but so what? At least you took the time to write. I thank you.

Tonight we are in Austin, Texas. I am going to go out there tonight and try not to suck quite so much. I'm not making any promises, of course, but I'm already drinking a lot of icy cold Sierra Mist to prepare for my grand finale.

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FUCKFACEASSMOUTH

Dear Michael Ian Black,

You're funny.

You know it. I know it. They know it.

Move the fuck on.

Regards,

FUCKFACEASSMOUTH

monk fish mcgraw

I just ate four hotpockets. They were warm and creamy, but in a good way. There's only one MIB and thats TOMMY LEE JONES!!! Get a new nickname poser. Also, i'd like to pinch you until you cry

ChloeJ82

I just laughed so hard it hurt. Lordy...people.

FUCKFACEASSMOUTH

Dear Monk Fish Mcgraw,

You make hotpockets sound like hot sex.

...me gusta.

Ur BFF,

FUCKFACEASSMOUTH

amelia

i hate how your show in brooklyn is 18 and older!

Camille

I guess the silver lining for me is after reading many of these posts, I feel more intelligent and may even decide to finish my GED.
Thank you.

Camille

Okay,upon further review, take my comment above and apply it more to your previous blog.

Reen

Cam, like MLK, (whom we acknowledge and celebrate tomorrow, people) I, too, had a dream. And the dream, my friend, appears to be over.

Our safe haven has been bombed by terrorists. Retarded ones, at that.

Sundown, tomorrow, we shall flee, you and I, from certain doom. I'll pack the crates of hand cream. You grab the ever so intricately sequined harem costumes.

Until then...


Jonathan

Hey don't let one dick from dallas ruin the whole state for you i was there with three of my friends and i laughed so hard at that show that i havent been able to laugh in the three days since i was at the house of blues. Both you and Show were hilarious beyond belief. Come back to Dallas someday and ill be there

Camille

Renee, can you throw in some skin firming cream as well? I'm afraid my "winter" body is no shape for the harem dress.

Lexie

i love you. Please don't hate Texas because of these retards who don't appreciate your pure greatness.

Moi

To quote Dr. Seuss, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

In Response to Reen

"Retarded Terrorists" would be an awesome name for a band.

Reen

Thank you "Sneaky Random Person". You have redeemed yourself and are hereby worthy of a punch-less existence.

Laura

You didn't suck!!! Yaaaaaaayyyy! You should've brought out the Sierra Mist. And your peanut m&m's.
Your grand finale was lovely. And thanks again for coming to Austin!

meredith

This is late, but the Dallas show was fantastic. Well worth the approximately eight thousand dollars in Ticketmaster fees.

Jenny

i've always thought it was unfair for the rest of the states that texas gets the prefix of "the great state of". I mean, only texans do this, so it't not official. and honestly, what would the other states be worried about? reality? please.

but next time, you could bypass texas and come to oklahoma instead. :D tulsa preferably.

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