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January 18, 2008

Finally - Hate Mail!

It's about time. Yesterday was the first time I received hate mail on this blog. I've had this blog up for about four months - what took so long? The first one was from Jimmy, who wrote:

"Me and my wife saw you tonight and we left 1/2 way through.  You guys suck and should stay out of the great state of Texas."

Thank you, Jimmy, for having the courage and decency to express an unpopular opinion in this forum. I told Michael Showalter (who performed with me last night) about your comment and he had the same question that I had. It's a math question:

If Jimmy and his wife stayed for half the show, that would mean they only saw Michael Showalter's set, because he does the first half of the show and then I do the second. If that's the case, I don't think it's fair for him to say that "you guys" suck, because he would have only seen Michael Showalter, who did not suck at all. In fact, he was very funny! But if Jimmy stayed for half of my set, that would have put him about 3/4 of the way through the show before leaving. The only way he could have seen half of the show and seen both of us was if he and his wife arrived halfway through Showalter's set, and then left halfway through mine - this was a real brain scrambler, Jimmy. Thanks for posting it. Either way, I'm sorry you left early because you missed my big finish, in which I brought out a Texas state flag and pissed all over it. (But in a funny way.)

This was the second hurtful comment:

"This comedy was bad. MY buddy said you were the Sierra Mist dude and thought the other dude was in Sierra Mist. BUT HE WAS'NT."

At first I thought maybe a foreign exchange student posted this comment, because it's barely English. If so, I can understand why the comedy may not have been to your liking. When English isn't your first language, it's probably tough to "get" the jokes. Somebody probably should have warned you that the show was going to be in English, and in the future, I will inform TicketMaster to please warn people of this fact when they call.

If you are not a foreign exchange student then I don't know what to say; your comment is very confusing. I've been puzzling over it all day and even now it's still unclear to me.

When you write "this comedy was bad," I assume you were at last night's show and found it "bad." Okay. But then it starts to get a little more confusing. You write, "MY buddy said you were the Sierra Mist dude..." Fair enough. But why capitalize "MY"? Are you emphasizing that it was YOUR buddy who said it? If so, was there somebody's buddy there who disagreed? How many buddies were at the show with you? Were some people's buddies not buddies with other people's buddies? If so, I thank God a rumble didn't break out because that could have been very bad.

You continue: "...and thought the other dude was in Sierra Mist. BUT HE WAS'NT." What I take from this is that you were upset that your buddy thought that Showalter is in the Sierra Mist ads, not me. When he found out that Showalter is NOT in those commercials, you both got very upset. When you write "BUT HE WAS'NT," what I'm sensing is betrayal. Did your buddy feel betrayed on some level that I'm the guy in the commercials, not Showalter? If that's the case, all I can do is apologize. Mistaken identity can indeed be tragic. Some people go to jail for this very reason. If your buddy was the victim of mistaken identity in the past, I can definitely understand why he was upset. I would be upset, too.

What I take from these hateful comments is that people care enough to express their opinions to me. Not necessarily in a constructive or articulate manner, or even in English, but so what? At least you took the time to write. I thank you.

Tonight we are in Austin, Texas. I am going to go out there tonight and try not to suck quite so much. I'm not making any promises, of course, but I'm already drinking a lot of icy cold Sierra Mist to prepare for my grand finale.


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I kid. I love you, Mike.
Seriously people, if you're going to criticize the man, at least do in a semi-articulate way. I'm not asking you to start using "whom" in the objective case or after a preposition, but at least know how to use contractions properly.


Some people just don't get your humor. Oh well though, those who do completely love it.


my sister is one of people that doesnt find you that funny, i'm ashamed to say
she thinks you were funniest in the Baxter, where your mouth is full of food and you are yelling at Michael Showalter at your dinner table :/
personally, i think you've said funnier things with your mouth food-less

Tom Lewis

Looks like you're on track to get 6 negative comments a year which is pretty darn good unless, of course, you were hoping for more


I find it curious that people bother to find your website just to tell you that they can't be bothered with you and "yer dang comedy" shows.
Why were they even at your show? If someone else dragged them there, why care enough to write to you about it?
And weirdos, if you feel so strongly about getting your feelings known, why not take the time to construct a simple complete sentence stating your dismay? What is all this chicken scratch talk?
I am flabbergasted by this time and again, not just here, but on other sites for other people. I just do not understand.

Oh well, I always love your shows and will go any chance I get and love every minute of it. You are the best!

Sneaky Random Person

The negative stuff is kind of like a heckle in comment form. Spices things up a bit. I mean I'm sure you get tired of hearing how much everyone loves Michael Ian Black all the time....right?


Oh boy, you are really on your way now - "Very famous" has just become "Super Famous"!! Hate mail solidifies that.

As my peeps in Cali love to say: "Welcome to the O.C., bitch!"

In your case, "Welcome to the" means "Get the fuck out and don't come back", "O.C." stands for "Overly Critical" and "Bitch" stands for "fucktards who left a nasty/negative blog comment".

Time to start kicking ass and taking names!! Time to show who's cock of the walk! This is your moment to shine, Michael. Don't let me down. I've got your back.


almost makes me wish i had written something negative, so i too could bask in the glory of actually provoking a response from the one and only michael black. yes, i have problems. probably nothing a little tea tree oil can't solve.


Dear Faggots:
Just wanted to let you Michaels know...
the show was a million radical.
Also, F.Y.I., we got drunk, stole your Peanut MM's, learned through osmosis, gave to United Way, and circle jerked til' we all came guacamole.

God Bless Texas,
Mandy, Gabby, Vincent, Mike, J.D., and Andrew


Michael, I've just gotta say, you rocked the fucking house at the Mohawk this evening. I must apologize for the dicks up in Dallas who didn't find you quite as hilarious as we all know you are. Anyways, I bought your CD the first week it came out last year, and I've basically memorized it. I still find it amusing on my way to class, and even though most of the show is the same, you did not dissapoint during you're live show. Also, I've got an idea of what you can't seem to find great about Texas, Blue Bell Ice Cream, its the best fucking ice cream in the world, so try it while you're still in it's native country. That's all I've got to say, so again, congratulations on a great show, and if you thought weather was fucked up tonight, come back during the summer, you'll sweat your balls off.


Michael Scheel

I just wanted to share with you how simply amazing I thought your performance was in Austin tonight. I am not hyperbolizing in the least when I say that it was without a doubt the funniest performance I have seen. Drunk hecklers be damned, you handled that spotlight hog perfectly. You are always welcome in the great state of Texas.


i think we all know what the moral of this story is: don't go to texas.

seriously. i'm sure there are some lovely fans there, but if they really want to see you they can make it their beeswax to come to some more civilized part of the country.

instead of venturing south, you should come back to boston. didn't we rave about your somerville show? didn't we shower you with candy corn? you know we love you. come back to us.


As the majority of people who hate on you on messageboards/comments are male, we must conclude that they are very confused about their sexuality, and it's not you or your comedy they hat; it's themselves, for not being able to take ownership of the fact that they find you attractive.


I thought you put on a great show tonight at Mohawk's. (: Despite that Stephanie character.
Also, I love that you make contributions to McSweeney's on occasion.
I don't know if you read these, but hopefully that makes you smile!


I thought you put on a great show tonight at Mohawk's. (: Despite that Stephanie character.
Also, I love that you make contributions to McSweeney's on occasion.
I don't know if you read these, but hopefully that makes you smile!

Benjamin Eakin

hmmmm... now i am thinking of what obnoxious or crazy thing to say for Michael to mention ME in his next entry...

hmmmm... michael is a mean, mean man!


I came to the show last night as a moderate fan. I liked the one and only season of STELLA, but I wasn't sure what to expect. I've got to say, your stand up act was amazing. So well put together, and absolutley hilarious.

I don't know if that is your standard way of dealing with drunk hecklers, but you handled the situation like a professional. I've seen comedians let a situation like that get out of hand, and then their set is ruined. The way you dealt with that chick, genius! Cumming Diet Dr Pepper!!! Had me laughing so hard.

I doubt you and Sho would ever want to come back to Texas, but I just want to say you two were great.


I full on hate you Michael Ian black. I went to your show in the great Texas city of Austin and my toes froze numb . it's not fair to blame you for the cold , and the show was funny. But, my feet still hurt and somebody has to pay.


Thank you for bringing your warmth to Austin, regardless of the Mohawk's suckiness. We enjoyed it so much I am considering changing my name to Staphanie and stalking you (but only to prove that it is indeed all about me). Johnny Blue Jeans would own that van!


I'm the drunken rube who sat next to you in the 'green room' while you were on your computer, trying to relax before your mohawk set. My apologies for ruining your relaxation moments with all my nose-blowing, senseless guffawing, and peanut m&m stealing. The other talent in the room wanted to stab my face after you took your other bag of m&ms and went out into the freezing rain. What can I say? I'm just an inappropriate prick at times. Call it a gift.

Despite all that nonsense, YOU ABSOLUTELY KILLED up there! And despite the stephs in the crowd (by the by: brilliant crowd management) and total crap weather, I certainly hope you find your way back to Austin again. Yes.


It was cold, it was wet, it took forever, but it was still truly fun and hilarious. And I love Mr. Showalter for being so true blue and comforting the fans as we huddled like shivering sardines to hear your funny funny man words :)

So, thanks to y'all (it's a contraction), I will inappropriately hip-hop dance at all opportunities and encourage my husband to drink more Diet Dr. Pepper to see what happens. I think he will love you more than me once this experiment is over, haha.

So sorry for the poor Texas reception. But we really are fantastic, the best state in the nation. I eat bluebonnet salads and roast mockingbirds for lunch with pecans on top, so I really am the authority on this. This just was not a proper reception -- please come back (but indoors, with seats). We love you! Truly.


My wife and I saw you and Showalter in Dallas at HOB, and you both put on an amazing show! I would love a live recording from that show because you both were so hilarious, we just want to hear it again and again! Luckily we already have your CD (as well as Showalter's) and if anyone out there doesn't have it, they need to get it pronto!

The only bummer about the evening was the fact that the seats were uncomfortable and our asses went numb mid-way through the show, but we'd gladly go back tonight to do it all over again. Come back to town soon, Dallas loves you!


Nuts. I'm late to the party. Truth be told, by now, I was hoping for more of a fight.

Where is that rascal Jimmy? How about foreign exchange student boy? Yoohooooooo!

::clink:: ::clink:: ::clink:::

"Come out to pllaayyaaayyyaaaayyy"


Dear Mr. Black,

I could complement you and Mr. Showalter for the great show. I could do that. Me and my date did have a great time, we drank whiskey to stay warm and to lube our brains for your hilarity. It was memorable and fun. I could tell you that. I could complain about going to show, that I didn't know was going to be outdoors, on the coldest night this winter. Or about the lack of illumination. Or that The Onion lied and said the show started at 9pm sharp. I could complain about that but I am not doing that. I am complaining about your fans. Not that they were rude, or smelly hipsters (they weren't smelly). I am complaining because you have a oddly tall fan base. Though I am only of average height for a man I have never had trouble seeing a performance. Your fans must be an average height of 6'4". I am not talking about one or two freakishly tall people standing in the way. I am saying damn near everyone there was over 6' tall. I am 5'9" and I saw maybe two guys my height or shorter. So please please please come back to Austin sometime soon. But please please please perform somewhere indoors, at a little people convention, with event planners who remember to plug in the lights.

We left quickly because frostbite had claimed my left foot. Next time hopefully I will get to fulfill my fantasy of getting a picture with you. So I can photoshop it to look like Tom Goes to the Mayor and tell people I visited Jefferton. Me and girly friend love you lots. If you are friends with Tim and Eric tell them we love them lots too. And I hope you and Mr. Showalter have a lovely tour and a lovely life.

Thanks for coming to the Great State of Texas.

Truly yours,


hey, good show last night. Tell Showalter that I wanted to thank him for going on early to entertain us, even if it was just playing songs from a laptop and complaining about Austin's highways. I tried to yell "good show" at him through the fence when he got offstage and was walking on the sidewalk, but he looked really angry and I don't think he heard me. He's a consumate entertainer. You're ok.

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