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January 16, 2008

Another Super Day

Once again, I had a super day. I'm told a lot of people never have any super days (commies, for example). But I am blessed in that almost every day of my life would best be described as "super." Over time some people would probably take their super days for granted. Not me. Because I'm a "stop and smell the roses" kind of guy. And when I do, do you know how those roses smell? They smell super.

What did I do today that was so super? Well, today was Wednesday, and Wednesday is my "visit sick kids in the hospital" day. Boy do those little faces light up when they see their favorite sardonic VH1 commentator walk through the doors bringing balloons and snarkiness. Yes, I give them the gift of laughter, but they give me a gift that's even better: money. I charge the hospital two hundred dollars per visit, a HUGE discount from my normal speaking fee, but still a pretty good wage for a half hour of "Cabbage Patch Kid" commentary.

After the hospital I went over to Wendy's for some ninety nine cent chili and a Frosty. The combination of hot and cold always gets me totally jacked up. Sometimes I put a little Frosty in my chili and vice versa just to fuck around. It tastes like shit, but at these prices, who cares? I left there feeling pretty full and pretty super.

From Wendy's it was on to the car wash, where I waited around until somebody didn't use all their time witih the vacuum hose, and then I swooped in and did the whole interior of my car for FREE!!! Actually, it was less than free because I found a nickel under one of the floor mats. It's like the car wash was paying me to clean my car. Far out!

Borders was next on my "to do" list. For anybody whose ever been to Borders, you know they don't carry Penthouse. That's okay, because they DO carry a "photographer's magazine" that almost always has some pretty sweet pictures of topless chicks inside. Even better, you can look at the thing all day long and if somebody asks what you're doing, you can just say you're studying "apertures." That ought to shut them up because the only people who use the word aperture are serious photography nerds. The only reason I even learned the word is so I could spend more time looking at majestic nips in rich, vibrant Fuji film.

The dog track is not open on Wednesday. At least not the one near my house. But there's always a dog running somewhere. So I went over to the OTB and placed a few bets. Didn't win shit, but I was playing with the hospital's money, and even though I lost the whole two hunney, I was still a nickel to the good because of my adventure at the car wash.

The rest of the day involved seeing my wife and kids and whatever, which was whatever. But when you combine the sick kids, Wendy's, Borders, the OTB, and the crank I was on the entire time, it was another super day!

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Keppler

Lucky kids.Those fuckers saved at least $9,801.

Susanna

Your life does seem to be pretty super. I'd go one step further and say you're superb! Superior, even. There's no denying it after this blog.

Camille

.."only people who use the word aperture are serious photography nerds. "

Are you mocking me?

Remember how I used to plead with you to get a life coach before it was too late? I'm eating my words right now. In fact, you should BECOME a superlife coach!

Therese

I haven't had a day filled with so much super as you since 1988.

Reen

Who knew Keppler was checking out your blog on a regular basis? That better not stifle you creatively or I'll punch that Keppler right in her nipple.
Speaking of. Why are women so competitive in regards to their nipples? Did any of your dirty magazines address that issue? All I hear all day is "Yours are pinker..." Which prompts me to reply: Yeah but yours are larger! Look at them! They're like sewer lids!" Oh us jibber jabbering silly willy ladies. It's a no wonder fellas only use us for sex.

Not Keppler

That wasn't Keppler. That was me pretending to be Keppler in order to be a smart ass. Please don't punch me. I love you.

Reen

Dear sneaky random person,

I catch you? I punch you.

The end.

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