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December 10, 2007

My Lost Weekend in Vancouver

I am in Vancouver with my friend Ken Marino. Today is Monday, and I have to say, I'm surprised I survived Friday-Sunday because we went CRAZY!!! How's this for starters: Friday night, we go see "No Country for Old Men." A lot of guys would have called it a night after that. Not us. Afterwards we went out for dinner. What kind of dinner? Sushi, motherfuckers. Raw motherfucking fish. And not just one sushi either. Many sushis. And tea. Did the night end there? No. We followed that up by walking to a chocolate shop where Ken got a chocolate-covered frozen banana!!! How much of it did he eat? Only all of it.

Saturday rolls around and we're feeling frisky. So decided to take a walking tour of the city. How much of the city did we explore by foot? Only ALL OF IT!!! That's right. The Historic Centre, Gastown, Yaletown. The whole fucking city. Did I mention we brunched at a French bistro with a waterfront view? I didn't? Well, guess what? WE DID! Did I have grilled chicken crepes? I DID! So that's a lot of activity, walking around like that. Most people would have collapsed in their hotel rooms after that. Not us. We followed up our walking tour with ANOTHER MOVIE! And not some namby pamby sissy movie. A genuine, rated R movie that goes by the name of "American Gangster," which is what we are. American motherfucking gangsters.

You probably think we didn't have dinner after all that. WRONG! Not only did we have dinner, before dinner we had drinks. Most guys probably would have gotten a beer. Not me. I had a porter. What kind of porter? Chocolate. A chocolate porter. But wait - it didn't stop there because I didn't content myself with a single chocolate porter. It was a double. WHAT??? Yes. A double chocolate porter. What did it taste like? Freedom.  Dinner was room service. Big, sloppy cheeseburgers WITH BACON! Canadian bacon? No. American bacon, which bitch slaps Canadian bacon.

That was Saturday. We still had a whole other day to do nothing but satisfy whatever sick itches we cared to scratch. And scratch we did. I woke up late and then got in a taxi and said, "Take me to the Edgewater." What's the Edgewater? Only the location of the biggest and sickest poker room in Vancouver. I sat down and played cards for SEVERAL HOURS!!! Did I win? No I did not. Did I care? NOT. AT. ALL. Got a call from Ken. "Meet me at this restaurant." I could tell you what restaurant, but that's our place and I don't want you grubby motherfuckers showing up there. So I got in a cab and met him. You probably think we didn't have Japanese food again because we'd just had it two nights before. WRONG! It WAS Japanese food. And it was awesome. We didn't even order off the menu. We sat at the sashimi bar and told those fucking chefs to bring us whatever THEY wanted. We didn't care what it was. Just bring it and bring lots of it. We ate till we were FULL! Then we went back to the hotel and WROTE A SKIT! Then I went to BED!

Pharaohs we were. Pharaohs on our thrones.


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Best ever.


So adorable! You and the Kenster...American Foodies out on the town. I hope you both were wearing snuggly hats and dusters. (That's what weird countries call scarves. I think.)

Sushi? And you didn't blow up like a puffer fish? And chocolate beer! I've never tried one, but you! Look at you! You had two! I hope you got snockered and pinched some Asian chicks ass and it will be all over GawkerStalkerVancouver.com and there will be a sensational sexy scandal! (Yes, it's true. I'm looking for a little excitement since you went "almost blogless". <--I can kinda see your nipples.)


uhh...is it weird that everytime I read MIB's blog I read it in my head...only with his voice...lol...I'm new to his blog...I was excited when I found it...My fav from the state...next in line would be Lennon...hey does anyone remember the "decisions with incisions" I wanted to find and watch it but it doesn't exist anywhere! I forget who's skit on the state it was but they talked about something like 26 different part on the body where incisions could be made...Any help thanks...


I'm completely addicted to your writing. How did this happen? well it started two days ago. Sure, I've always been a fan of your work, I have stella on my ipod and enjoy the state and watched Wet Hot American Summer several times. Who hasn't? it's one of those classic camp movies. Anyway, I was over at a friend's house and we were watching I heart the 80's: three dee addition. (We usually get together eat candy and watch bad tv. Junk food for the mind and tummy. yumm) She began to tell me of that picture of you naked on a bear skin rug. One thing led to another and I found your myspace and then your website which were filled with your stories. I was relieved to see that you update so often when I was coming upon your last story in the musings section of your website. I guess what I'm trying to say is "Great Job!" (which now reminds me of Tim and Eric's Awesome show)...

I suppose I should actually comment on what has been written here. I actually hope you didn't get drunk and pinch some asian chick's ass it would be all too reminiscent of the Christian Slater incident.


Canada couldn't have predicted what you motherfuckers threw down.


I got indigestion just reading this! LOLOL


You are multi-foodgasmic!

I love sushi almost as much as I love your blogs.

Canada sounds more inviting by the day.


You look like TaylorMade from I Love NewYork.


Oh my gourd, you just got me so excited. I have no idea why. I think it was all the caps. I'm shaking and now I'm hungry.

Miquel Ian Blaque

This can't be true.


Jamie, not sure which sketch you are referring to - but - if you have a myspace, you may want to friend this site:

It's called: "I love the State"

The girl who runs it will probably know.

Good luck.


this was very funny, I read it aloud, to myself, and then realized I was alone, and then I was very sad


it's like you're American kings...

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