My Lost Weekend in Vancouver
I am in Vancouver with my friend Ken Marino. Today is Monday, and I have to say, I'm surprised I survived Friday-Sunday because we went CRAZY!!! How's this for starters: Friday night, we go see "No Country for Old Men." A lot of guys would have called it a night after that. Not us. Afterwards we went out for dinner. What kind of dinner? Sushi, motherfuckers. Raw motherfucking fish. And not just one sushi either. Many sushis. And tea. Did the night end there? No. We followed that up by walking to a chocolate shop where Ken got a chocolate-covered frozen banana!!! How much of it did he eat? Only all of it.
Saturday rolls around and we're feeling frisky. So decided to take a walking tour of the city. How much of the city did we explore by foot? Only ALL OF IT!!! That's right. The Historic Centre, Gastown, Yaletown. The whole fucking city. Did I mention we brunched at a French bistro with a waterfront view? I didn't? Well, guess what? WE DID! Did I have grilled chicken crepes? I DID! So that's a lot of activity, walking around like that. Most people would have collapsed in their hotel rooms after that. Not us. We followed up our walking tour with ANOTHER MOVIE! And not some namby pamby sissy movie. A genuine, rated R movie that goes by the name of "American Gangster," which is what we are. American motherfucking gangsters.
You probably think we didn't have dinner after all that. WRONG! Not only did we have dinner, before dinner we had drinks. Most guys probably would have gotten a beer. Not me. I had a porter. What kind of porter? Chocolate. A chocolate porter. But wait - it didn't stop there because I didn't content myself with a single chocolate porter. It was a double. WHAT??? Yes. A double chocolate porter. What did it taste like? Freedom. Dinner was room service. Big, sloppy cheeseburgers WITH BACON! Canadian bacon? No. American bacon, which bitch slaps Canadian bacon.
That was Saturday. We still had a whole other day to do nothing but satisfy whatever sick itches we cared to scratch. And scratch we did. I woke up late and then got in a taxi and said, "Take me to the Edgewater." What's the Edgewater? Only the location of the biggest and sickest poker room in Vancouver. I sat down and played cards for SEVERAL HOURS!!! Did I win? No I did not. Did I care? NOT. AT. ALL. Got a call from Ken. "Meet me at this restaurant." I could tell you what restaurant, but that's our place and I don't want you grubby motherfuckers showing up there. So I got in a cab and met him. You probably think we didn't have Japanese food again because we'd just had it two nights before. WRONG! It WAS Japanese food. And it was awesome. We didn't even order off the menu. We sat at the sashimi bar and told those fucking chefs to bring us whatever THEY wanted. We didn't care what it was. Just bring it and bring lots of it. We ate till we were FULL! Then we went back to the hotel and WROTE A SKIT! Then I went to BED!
Pharaohs we were. Pharaohs on our thrones.