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December 27, 2007

Me Without Make-Up

From time to time, I will give people some "backstage information" about the inner workings of show business. Today, I'd like to dispel one of the many prevailing myths about people on television and in film. A lot of outsiders think that we wake up every day looking fantastic. Nothing could be further from the truth. To look as good as we do, we have to go through HOURS of make-up and grooming. Then we have to get under flattering light, and sometimes even that isn't enough. I understand why people see me on television and think, "I want to have his babies." I get that, but the simple fact is that without the services of professional make-up artists and stylists, I look just as bad as you people. In fact, I'm going to publish, for the first time anywhere, a photograph of myself the way I look as soon as I get out of bed in the morning.

Here it is:

Photo_72 There's a few things to which I'd like to draw your attention. First, notice the fact that I have two heads. It's my second head which is probably my biggest physical "flaw." If you watch VH1, you'll notice that I usually don't look straight into the camera. This is because I have two heads, which make some people queasy. But I think there is an unrealistic standard of beauty in this country; why shouldn't somebody with two heads be considered beautiful? As long as they're both attractive heads, which fortunately mine are. Two heads or no, I'm naturally very attractive. Even so, even I have my bad hair days. Today is one of them. My hair comes to an ungainly point right in the middle of my foreheads. A lot of times, my third eye is extremely puffy in the morning. Today is no exception. My skin is mottled and I need a shave. Put it all together, and you can see that if I were working today, I'd have several hours in the make-up chair ahead of me. This is the unglamorous part of show biz that people rarely see. So the next time you see one of your favorite celebrities walking the red carpet, just remember that person doesn't really look like that. Most celebrities are filthy hags and trolls.


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some person

Thanks for keeping it for real.

I no longer want to have your babies, though.


Two heads could be seen as distinctly advantageous. And I do mean that in the filthiest way possible...


Two heads could be seen as distinctly advantageous. And I do mean that in the filthiest way possible...


As the old saying goes: "Two heads are better than one."

I'd still consider having your two-headed, freakshow babies. Why? Because it would be a million radical, that's why!

Ethereal Zoe

Wow, this IS what it sounds like when doves cry.


Freak ME OUT! Good GAWD, GOOD GAWD! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me RUNNING!

Ok, ok. Ok. Listen. Guy. Lop that off with an axe. Or maybe..suck it out. With a liposuction thingy. Something! Please. The rest of us have morning hair tangles. Maybe some saliva crust. But YOU? I..I...don't know what to...it's not natural. You know that, right? Dear? It just aint natural.


"My hair comes to an ungainly point right in the middle of my foreheads. "

At least you don't have braces like someone I know. (me)


After seeing you in person I know you're just being facetious.


Dear Tomdog (Guy above me)

What's 'facetious', bro?

To me, it is sort of paprika-like spice a cannibal uses for flavor at supper time.

...but I guess I could just google it, huh?


Dear F$&#FaceAssMouth,

What's 'cannibal' ?
Sounds like a new-fangled kitchen gadget.
Or someone who eats human flesh.


Dear Camille,

I haven't the slightest. But I do know that 'cannibal' is certainly not to be confused with 'cannonball.' Why you ask? Because, my dear Camille, why on Earth would a cannonball be used for flavor at supper time...unless of course it is being used by a 'Cannon-bal.' Then it would make sense.


All this spice and human flesh talk is making me hungry and for some reason that makes me imagine a sad, poorly-cooked, three-eyed fish on a plate with some wilted lettuce. Wow. I'm weird.


My Dearest Camille (How's your toe?),

You're cool (insane?).

Have a great New Year!


I don't wear tight pants for that very reason.
Yes,I'm insane. I've even got a certificate(prescription) to prove it.

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