Me Without Make-Up
From time to time, I will give people some "backstage information" about the inner workings of show business. Today, I'd like to dispel one of the many prevailing myths about people on television and in film. A lot of outsiders think that we wake up every day looking fantastic. Nothing could be further from the truth. To look as good as we do, we have to go through HOURS of make-up and grooming. Then we have to get under flattering light, and sometimes even that isn't enough. I understand why people see me on television and think, "I want to have his babies." I get that, but the simple fact is that without the services of professional make-up artists and stylists, I look just as bad as you people. In fact, I'm going to publish, for the first time anywhere, a photograph of myself the way I look as soon as I get out of bed in the morning.
Here it is:
There's a few things to which I'd like to draw your attention. First, notice the fact that I have two heads. It's my second head which is probably my biggest physical "flaw." If you watch VH1, you'll notice that I usually don't look straight into the camera. This is because I have two heads, which make some people queasy. But I think there is an unrealistic standard of beauty in this country; why shouldn't somebody with two heads be considered beautiful? As long as they're both attractive heads, which fortunately mine are. Two heads or no, I'm naturally very attractive. Even so, even I have my bad hair days. Today is one of them. My hair comes to an ungainly point right in the middle of my foreheads. A lot of times, my third eye is extremely puffy in the morning. Today is no exception. My skin is mottled and I need a shave. Put it all together, and you can see that if I were working today, I'd have several hours in the make-up chair ahead of me. This is the unglamorous part of show biz that people rarely see. So the next time you see one of your favorite celebrities walking the red carpet, just remember that person doesn't really look like that. Most celebrities are filthy hags and trolls.