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November 2007

November 30, 2007


I've been in Vancouver most of this last week, which is why I haven't been posting. Maybe you're asking yourself, "Don't they have the internet in Vancouver?" As it turns out, yes, but I just assumed that they didn't. Why would I assume that? Because Vancouver is in Canada, and Canada, as I'm sure you know, is a third world country. Well, as it happens, even some third world countries have the internet, and I feel like a real jackass now that I know. The only reason I even found out they have the internet at all was that I was sitting in the business centre (notice funny Canadian spelling) of my five star hotel, when I noticed several "Canadians" (I put Canadians in quotes, because they were white, so how Canadian could they possibly be?) were on what appeared to be computers, looking at what appeared to be web sites - web sites which looked EXACTLY LIKE WEB SITES WE HAVE IN AMERICA!!! My first thought was that these "Canadians" had somehow sneaked into America, taken pictures of our web sites, and taped them to computer monitors. When I talked to them about it, though, they explained to me that they were looking at actual internet sites. Then they started talking about hockey and I zoned out. Now I'm back in America, and all I have to say is, "Thank God." Those "Canadians" were very nice, but Jesus Christ - shut up about the hockey.

November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everybody. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because there's no stupid songs, no presents, no mythical characters (except for Indians), no television specials, nothing except friends and family and absurd amounts of food. I also like that it's a holiday specifically designed to give thanks for what is important to us in our lives. For me, that means poker, unicorns, frozen waffles, Taco Bell, friends, family, and all of you.

Have a great Thanksgiving. And if you must drink and drive, try to drive as fast as you can to get yourself off the road as quickly as possible.

November 20, 2007

New Show Added

Baltimore, you are getting your chance. A lot of people would have gone to DC instead, but not us. DC is the home of hypocrites and Fugazi. Baltimore, you are home to "The Wire" and Cal Ripken. On my mother's birthday, December 16th, we will be once again rocking the Ottobar with merriment. Please join us for laughs.

November 19, 2007

This Sucks

I've been trying to book a flight on JetBlue for about an hour. This is what that looks like:


November 16, 2007

If You Have Any Interest...

In knowing how I've been spending about 80% of my time over the last few days, click here. Hint: It's so much lamer than you probably think. 

November 15, 2007

Cleveland Aiport

In case you're wondering what it looks to check-in at the Cleveland airport, it pretty much looks like this:


And then this is what Showalter looks like waiting to check in at the Cleveland airport.


Please note that they have a Starbucks at the Cleveland airport where you can hang out before checking in. Especially helpful if you are four hours early for a flight, as we are. Please also note that Showalter looks retarded in this picture. (Click on it to really get the full-on retard effect)


Last night Showalter and I played at the Grog Shop in Cleveland, Ohio. Before the show, I was offered a couple of muscle relaxants, because I was in tremendous pain. So I took them.

(I should probably clarify that when I say "tremendous pain," there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and I was not experiencing any pain whatsoever. I just wanted to take muscle relaxants.)

I was curious to see what they would do to me. As it turns out, not much, except kind of mellow me out.

"Mellow" is kind of a perfect word. I like words that sound like what they mean. It's not quite onomatopoeia, but it's close. Melllllllow. Visions of lava lamps and beanbag chairs. It's just a great word.

The show was pretty good. An appreciative crowd. I did spend probably more time than I should have talking about pre-cum, and the various materials that would be preferable to sperm that should come out of your dick when you ejaculate.

I also brought a woman onto the stage who turned out to be the world's biggest, and possibly only, A-ha fan. If you remember, A-ha was the Norwegian band from the 80s who had a huge hit with "Take On Me." I interviewed her about that. Turns out she's also a second degree black belt in karate. Her name was Holly, and later that night, I regretted not calling her "A-Holly."

But that's what happens. Live and learn.

Continue reading "Cleveland" »

November 14, 2007

Why I've Decided to Go Blonde

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. A LOT of thought. After many sleepless nights, I’ve decided to go blonde. Believe me,  this was not an easy decision. I’ve spent a lot of time in consultation with my wife and minister (just to clarify – my wife is not my minister. They are two different people.) We agonized over this decision, we prayed over this decision, and in the end they both told me the same thing: “Follow your heart.”

Well, my heart is telling me to give blonde a try.

Is this yet another shallow attempt to save my floundering marriage? Perhaps. After all, my wife always wanted to be married to a blonde man. When we first got together, I led her to believe that I was blonde. Foolishly, she believed me, even though it was pretty obvious to everybody that I was not. For one thing, there was my dark hair which should have been a dead giveaway, but she just wanted to belive in me so badly that she allowed herself to be suckered in by my lies. Fourteen year old runaways are like that.

Continue reading "Why I've Decided to Go Blonde" »

November 11, 2007

Sunday is my Day to Relax

Yes, it's Sunday here in the wilds of Connecticut, my day to relax. What does a guy like me do to relax? For starters, gymkata. This is the combination of martial arts and gymnastics best known from the 1985 movie, "Gymkata." On Sundays, I like to wake a little before dawn and spend several hours in my basement gymkata studio sparring with various partners I import from the former Eastern Bloc.

Around nine, I strap on twenty pound ankle weights and do a little roadwork. Again, this is my day to relax, so I'm not going full throttle. I might run anywhere from eight to ten miles, depending on how I'm feeling. To keep me company, I crank up the iPod (currently listening to Dr. Gerald Cizadlo's "Lecture on Advanced Physiology").

After running, it's breakfast time! Yummy! Steel cut oatmeal, six raw eggs, flaxseed oil and (for a Sunday treat) seven packages of bacon.

Continue reading "Sunday is my Day to Relax" »

November 09, 2007

In Three Minutes...

I'm going to put my kids to bed. Then it's party time! Once the kids are in bed, the wife and I have a little ritual. First we draw a nice, hot bath. Then we drip some in lavender scent, some bath salts, and light some candles. Then we throw the dog in there. Why we do this, I don't know. The dog isn't particularly dirty, especially since we do this every night, but it's like a lot of things in our marriage; it just becomes habit. Then it's a whole process of shampooing the dog, getting dog out of the tub, drying the dog, etc. etc. Are there better uses for our time together other than giving the dog a bath night after night? No doubt, but what? We tried doing the whole "sex" thing, but honestly, after about twenty minutes or so, I came, and after that, I lost pretty much all interest in it. I'd like to say it's going to be a great night, but it's not. Not at all.