Visiting my Mom
I'm in Weston, Florida visiting my mom today. She's pretty good. We went to eat at a deli. I had the tongue. When people say, "What is tongue?" the answer is, "It's a tongue." Probably a cow's. And you eat it. You eat a cow's tongue. Now maybe that sounds disgusting to you, but if you've ever French kissed a cow, it's exactly like that, only instead of contenting yourself with simply putting your tongue in a cow's mouth and doing a little tongue dance with the animal, you just keep going, chewing on the tongue, and garnishing it with a pickle. Is it delicious? As delicious as eating a cow's tongue can be.
I didn't really have tongue. People do eat tongue, but I am not one of those people. I had turkey pastrami, which is exactly like regular pastrami, only without all the deliciousness. While we were in the restaurant, a guy asked me if I was on "Mad TV." I am often asked if I am "Mad TV." I have never been on "Mad TV," or "Kids in the Hall," or "Saturday Night Live," or "Best Week Ever," or any of the shows I am often mistaken for being on, but rather than say, "No," which would have been the most accurate and truthful statement, I said "Yes," because I figured that would be the quickest way of ending the conversation we were about to have. He shook my hand, and told me he enjoyed my work, which is either complimentary towards me or "Mad TV." Not sure which. Maybe both. That's what I call "win-win."
Being at my level of fame is not very fun because people often recognize me, but don't know why they recognize me, and then they make a big show of telling me they know me, but do not know who I am. It's kind of a contradictory statement: "I know you but I have no idea who you are." With Matt Damon, for example, I feel like people pretty much know who he is all the time. People aren't going up to Matt Damon and going, "Tell me what you've been in." That's not fun. Am I the only person who thinks Hillary Swank looks like Matt Damon in drag?
Last night we did a show in West Palm Beach, Florida, which was kind of a weird night. The Theater, called "The Theatre," (yes, with the British spelling) is a converted church. Big ceilings which take the laughter up into the rafters, where it dies. Not good for a comedy show. The crowd was very nice and welcoming, but very small. Maybe a hundred and fifty people, and I don't know, something about being in an old church made it kind of uncomfortable for me when I started saying, "Fuck you, Jesus" during my act. Also, I find that anything about elephants raping rhinos doesn't seem to play that well in the House of God, either. This is why Jesus and comedy just don't mix. I mean, Jesus undoubtedly had a good sense of humor since he was good at everything, but the Bible definitely doesn't make a big deal about how hilarious he was.
Tonight I fly home (JetBlue = "My Life on the D List"), and tomorrow night my wife and I are having our belated anniversary dinner at our favorite restaurant (Hooters). Should be fun.