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October 28, 2007

Visiting my Mom

I'm in Weston, Florida visiting my mom today. She's pretty good. We went to eat at a deli. I had the tongue. When people say, "What is tongue?" the answer is, "It's a tongue." Probably a cow's. And you eat it. You eat a cow's tongue. Now maybe that sounds disgusting to you, but if you've ever French kissed a cow, it's exactly like that, only instead of contenting yourself with simply putting your tongue in a cow's mouth and doing a little tongue dance with the animal, you just keep going, chewing on the tongue, and garnishing it with a pickle. Is it delicious? As delicious as eating a cow's tongue can be.

I didn't really have tongue. People do eat tongue, but I am not one of those people. I had turkey pastrami, which is exactly like regular pastrami, only without all the deliciousness. While we were in the restaurant, a guy asked me if I was on "Mad TV." I am often asked if I am "Mad TV." I have never been on "Mad TV," or "Kids in the Hall," or "Saturday Night Live," or "Best Week Ever," or any of the shows I am often mistaken for being on, but rather than say, "No," which would have been the most accurate and truthful statement, I said "Yes," because I figured that would be the quickest way of ending the conversation we were about to have. He shook my hand, and told me he enjoyed my work, which is either complimentary towards me or "Mad TV." Not sure which. Maybe both. That's what I call "win-win."

Being at my level of fame is not very fun because people often recognize me, but don't know why they recognize me, and then they make a big show of telling me they know me, but do not know who I am. It's kind of a contradictory statement: "I know you but I have no idea who you are." With Matt Damon, for example, I feel like people pretty much know who he is all the time. People aren't going up to Matt Damon and going, "Tell me what you've been in." That's not fun. Am I the only person who thinks Hillary Swank looks like Matt Damon in drag?

Last night we did a show in West Palm Beach, Florida, which was kind of a weird night. The Theater, called "The Theatre," (yes, with the British spelling) is a converted church. Big ceilings which take the laughter up into the rafters, where it dies. Not good for a comedy show. The crowd was very nice and welcoming, but very small. Maybe a hundred and fifty people, and I don't know, something about being in an old church made it kind of uncomfortable for me when I started saying, "Fuck you, Jesus" during my act. Also, I find that anything about elephants raping rhinos doesn't seem to play that well in the House of God, either. This is why Jesus and comedy just don't mix. I mean, Jesus undoubtedly had a good sense of humor since he was good at everything, but the Bible definitely doesn't make a big deal about how hilarious he was.

Tonight I fly home (JetBlue = "My Life on the D List"), and tomorrow night my wife and I are having our belated anniversary dinner at our favorite restaurant (Hooters). Should be fun.


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jessica w.

you guys were great last night! i had a blast. :)
your mom lives in weston,huh? that's 10 minutes north of me..
tell her to give me a call so we can party some time.

have a safe trip & thanks a lot for coming down here!!


Strange that you mention sense of humor/Jesus. My friend and I had an indepth conversation on this very topic today. Odd? Not for me. Why? Because I'm fucking deep. ("AND stupid") That's why.

Hope you enjoyed your visit with your Mom, Michael. She must be so very proud of you. Even if you WEREN'T a commentator in "Best Week Ever" ;-) you'll always be her sweet little boy.

And enjoy your anniversary with your lovely wife. Go out. Get some "X" and get FUNKAAAYYYYY!


The first paragraph about eating the cow tongue, you lost me.

Then you won me back on the second paragraph, when you said you didn't really eat the cow tongue.

Then I laughed outloud at the part about someone asking if you were on "Mad TV", and the part about Hilary Swank looking like Matt Damon in drag (she does).

Also, you may think that no one knows who you are, but I bet a big-bosomed hostess will recognize you (from all your years on "Kids in the Hall", natch) and you'll get the very best table at Hooters, and a free basket of hotwings.


ah, you share your anniversary date with me - congrats sir


"I had turkey pastrami, which is exactly like regular pastrami, only without all the deliciousness."-This is what stuck in my head and made me laugh. Thanks for that.
Have a nice time celebrating your anniversary.
I think it's sweet to take your wife back to the place where you both first met.


I know all about eating animal tongues.

People often ask why I'm a vegetarian. Being mostly brought up by a Grandmother who never really got over the post-war 'waste not, want not' mentality is why.

Have a great belated anniversary. October anniversaries rock. I have one on Wednesday. Marrying on Halloween to stick it to the mother-in-law also rocks.


I bet you're popular with your mother's friends.
I also bet you have a Hooter's(TM)costume that you wear for your wife on special occasions,don't you, you naughty so-and-so?

Molly Mary

I was showing my mom something on Facebook yesterday, and she saw that you had accepted my friend request, and her exact words were "Isn't that the funny gentleman you saw in Boston?" Yes, Mr. Ian Black, you are a Funny Gentleman.


Hilary Swank COMPLETELY looks like Matt Damon in drag! finally! and also, do you ever enjoy being confused for Bruce McCulloch?

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