Some Bad News
I don't know what happened, but my rainbow machine is on the fritz. Just my luck, right? Yesterday it was working fine (see previous photo of myself with rainbows), and now today - nothing. I looked at the instruction manual under "troubleshooting." Annoyingly, the first suggestion is: "Make sure rainbow machine is plugged in." Really? You mean it doesn't run on magical rainbow power? (I mean, it does, but you need electricity to make the magical rainbow power work.) So yes, the rainbow machine is plugged in. Here is suggestion number 2: "Lightly jiggle the rainbow machine." Are they fucking kidding me? I paid eight hundred dollars for a machine to make rainbows and they want me to jiggle the machine? Okay, so I do that. Nothing. A slight rattling noise, which may or may not be the sound of leprechauns. I don't know All I know is that my eight hundred rainbow machine is not kicking out rainbows the way it did yesterday, and I'm pissed. So I get the company on the phone. I wait over an hour before an actual human being gets on the phone. This is what he says: "Did you jiggle the rainbow machine?"
"Yes," I tell him.
"You shouldn't have done that."
"The manual SAID to do that!" I say.
"The manual is wrong."
How can the manual be wrong? Manuals are never wrong. Manuals are manuals because they are right. Nothing is more right than a manual. I explain this to him. He listens, then says, "Yeah, I know. The manual's wrong." Then he goes, "Do you hear a rattling noise?"
"Yes," I say. "I thought it was leprechauns."
"Most people do," he says. "It's not. We haven't used leprechauns in years. It's your rainbow capacitor."
"My rainbow capacitor?" I ask. "Is that like the flux capacitor from 'Back to the Future?'"
"That movie was bullshit," he says, and I agree with him. That movie was bullshit.
"What can I do? Can I fix it?"
He asks me what model I have. I tell him. It's the Magical Rainbow Maker 4209. He says they don't make the 4209 anymore, and all the capacitors for the 5000 series are too small for my machine, which of course is no longer under warranty. How am I supposed to write if I am not bathed in glittering rainbows? He doesn't have an answer for me, and asks if there's anything else he can do. Yeah, I tell him, "You can go fuck yourself."
Here is what I look like, sans rainbows.