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October 20, 2007

Some Bad News

I don't know what happened, but my rainbow machine is on the fritz. Just my luck, right? Yesterday it was working fine (see previous photo of myself with rainbows), and now today - nothing. I looked at the instruction manual under "troubleshooting." Annoyingly, the first suggestion is: "Make sure rainbow machine is plugged in." Really? You mean it doesn't run on magical rainbow power? (I mean, it does, but you need electricity to make the magical rainbow power work.) So yes, the rainbow machine is plugged in. Here is suggestion number 2: "Lightly jiggle the rainbow machine." Are they fucking kidding me? I paid eight hundred dollars for a machine to make rainbows and they want me to jiggle the machine? Okay, so I do that. Nothing. A slight rattling noise, which may or may not be the sound of leprechauns. I don't know All I know is that my eight hundred rainbow machine is not kicking out rainbows the way it did yesterday, and I'm pissed. So I get the company on the phone. I wait over an hour before an actual human being gets on the phone. This is what he says: "Did you jiggle the rainbow machine?"

"Yes," I tell him.

"You shouldn't have done that."

"The manual SAID to do that!" I say.

"The manual is wrong."

How can the manual be wrong? Manuals are never wrong. Manuals are manuals because they are right. Nothing is more right than a manual. I explain this to him. He listens, then says, "Yeah, I know. The manual's wrong." Then he goes, "Do you hear a rattling noise?"

"Yes," I say. "I thought it was leprechauns."

"Most people do," he says. "It's not. We haven't used leprechauns in years. It's your rainbow capacitor."

"My rainbow capacitor?" I ask. "Is that like the flux capacitor from 'Back to the Future?'"

"That movie was bullshit," he says, and I agree with him. That movie was bullshit.

"What can I do? Can I fix it?"

He asks me what model I have. I tell him. It's the Magical Rainbow Maker 4209. He says they don't make the 4209 anymore, and all the capacitors for the 5000 series are too small for my machine, which of course is no longer under warranty. How am I supposed to write if I am not bathed in glittering rainbows? He doesn't have an answer for me, and asks if there's anything else he can do. Yeah, I tell him, "You can go fuck yourself."

Here is what I look like, sans rainbows.

Photo_10


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Jackie

Rainbows?

Gaaaay question mark

Susanna

But I always see rainbows when I look at you...

Zane

I'm sorry. My dog must have peed on it when I broke in and was rifling through your things. Next time I will leave her at home. Let me make it up to you. I'm having this sort of "party" with all kinds of fun people that I haven't seen in ages. Should get kinda hot. Interested? Oh, and no kids.

Katy

Well I have a rainbow machine I am not using at the moment. Ahhh now I am. It is nice to be bathed in the uplifting light of a rainbow.

You know without the rainbows you look more rugged then usual. It's pretty attractive.

Therese

That blows. You look traumatised about the rainbows.Do you want to borrow my prismatic ashtray?

Of course, it'll only work on a sunny day, and you'll have to get one of the kids to stand by the window and waggle it around, until the sun hits it at just the right angle. But with your fuck-off headphones on, you won't even notice them.

Oh, and Photoshop is your bitch; she can flip those Photobooth pictures round the right way.

Camille

Why is it that men can let their facial hair grow for a few days and still look distinguished,yet when I grow mine out I merely look like that scary lady(?) that works in health and beauty at my local Wal-mart?

You shoulda checked Consumer Reports before buying that machine,sucka.

Reeen

(Cam escaped from the Carnies back in '86).

As usual, I'm sitting here laughing. You know..you look like someone here. Someone famous. Buh dum dum ccchhh. No, seriously. (Somebody with a working memory and normal eyesight, help me out).

It's time to look on the "rainbow bright" side of things, little Buckaroo. Sure, it's sad that your magical world dissipated faster than Paris spits sperm, but, if a broken machine causes ZZ Top-esque hair growth?

Shhheeeeeeeetttt.

Camille

Pretty soon we'll see a posted pic of you with a 12inch beard(encrusted with whatever you're able to scrounge up in the rainbow dungeon for nutrition),tattered clothing and a homemade raft in the background.

Yes, I'm as bored as you look.

Therese

"The Rainbow Dungeon" sounds like an S&M club for the eternally optimistic.

The Awesome One

You look a lot like the guy from the state. ha. i rule

Scarytan

He looks like Carlos from Desperate Housewives Reen.

Kristina

aww, you look so frustrated!

tomdog

let us know when your web cam stream goes live

Jenny

you look sad. an anti-rainbow.

Air Jordan

i come here first time. You can share some of your article, I'm like you write something, really very good! I will continue to focus on

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