At the show in Seattle last night, there was a girl in the second row who looked utterly miserable. It was very disconcerting to see a girl standing very close to the stage, arms crossed, looking as if she'd rather be anywhere other than there. So I gave her a dollar, but that didn't seem to help the situation much. Eventually, I couldn't take her pouty face and invited her on the stage to talk about what was going on. She was, of course, reluctant, but after some gentle cajoling, she eventually made her way on to the stage. Turns out, as I suspected all along, it was boy trouble. She and a boyfriend broke up about a week before. I asked who broke up with who. She said it was mutual, which is another way of saying that he dumped her.
When I asked about the problems with the relationship, she told me (and five hundred other people), that he was angry at her because she nagged him about his drinking. I told her that she didn't need to be with an alcoholic, because you can't change an alcoholic - they have to change themselves. "Right, alcoholics?" I asked the audience. Three hundred people agreed.
Then Showalter came on stage and started playing mood music to accompany the conversation. (Radiohead, Vanessa Carlton, others) Then, we all started dancing and grinding against her, and I think she started to feel better. After all, what could be better than two middle-aged out of shape comedians grinding against you when you're suffering from heartache? Nothing, my friends, nothing.
As she was leaving the stage, to make her feel better, I told her that I was sure that night, she was going to meet somebody. Somebody great, and that she would fuck the shit out of that person, get pregnant, and then be faced with some very difficult decisions. I don't know if this made her feel better or not. I hope so.
Sarah, if you're reading this, I'd like my dollar back.