San Francisco

Today we're in sunny San Francisco, and by "sunny," I mean freezing cold and pouring. This evening, we're doing a show at the Fillmore. Should be fun, although I'm worried that the show is going to be overrun by the whole "free love" crowd. There's nothing worse than trying to do a comedy show in front of a room full of smelly hippies. I mean, yes, there are worse things: cancer, for example. Or a bad piece of fish. That would also be worse. But as far as comedy shows go, there's nothing worse. Unless it's angry, smelly hippies. Angry hippies are the worst hippies of all.

Tomorrow The State is getting together to begin writing a new project. More details to follow.

Seattle Last Night

At the show in Seattle last night, there was a girl in the second row who looked utterly miserable. It was very disconcerting to see a girl standing very close to the stage, arms crossed, looking as if she'd rather be anywhere other than there. So I gave her a dollar, but that didn't seem to help the situation much. Eventually, I couldn't take her pouty face and invited her on the stage to talk about what was going on. She was, of course, reluctant, but after some gentle cajoling, she eventually made her way on to the stage. Turns out, as I suspected all along, it was boy trouble. She and a boyfriend broke up about a week before. I asked who broke up with who. She said it was mutual, which is another way of saying that he dumped her.

When I asked about the problems with the relationship, she told me (and five hundred other people), that he was angry at her because she nagged him about his drinking. I told her that she didn't need to be with an alcoholic, because you can't change an alcoholic - they have to change themselves. "Right, alcoholics?" I asked the audience. Three hundred people agreed.

Then Showalter came on stage and started playing mood music to accompany the conversation. (Radiohead, Vanessa Carlton, others) Then, we all started dancing and grinding against her, and I think she started to feel better. After all, what could be better than two middle-aged out of shape comedians grinding against you when you're suffering from heartache? Nothing, my friends, nothing.

As she was leaving the stage, to make her feel better, I told her that I was sure that night, she was going to meet somebody. Somebody great, and that she would fuck the shit out of that person, get pregnant, and then be faced with some very difficult decisions. I don't know if this made her feel better or not. I hope so.

Sarah, if you're reading this, I'd like my dollar back.

Another Intervew

Here's another interview I recently did, this one with LAist, a cool website from the Gawker Media empire. I like those sites. Most of the interview, as the guy said, was about discussing Carrot Top. There's something wonderful to me about Carrot Top. It's as if the weirdest looking guy in the world asked himself, "How can I make myself look even weirder?" And then went out and did it. The world needs more people like that - people who don't rest on their laurels. It would have been very easy for Carrot Top to simply be a bizarre looking multi-millionaire prop comic. But he didn't stop there - he reached for the stars and ended up being a freakishly muscular transsexual multi-millionaire prop comic. To do that, you need discipline, perseverance, and the imagination to dream big.

I don't really remember what we talked about for the rest of the interview, but if you're so inclined, you can find it here.

And if you want to see the picture of Carrot Top we were discussing where you can just about see his carrot patch, you can find it here.

Adam Carolla - Gay?

This morning, I was on Adam Carolla's radio show for about twenty minutes. Most of the conversation centered around the fact that he thinks I'm gay. I responded that the fact that he thinks I'm gay makes me wonder if there isn't a certain amount of projecting on his part. In other words, is his desire for me to be gay really a reflection of certain unfulfilled desires he himself posesses? Short answer: yes.

Anyway, now we're dating.

Click here to listen.

Denver

Just arrived in Denver, Colorado. Home of the Fightin' Denveronis. Before I continue, I should probably admit that I just made up the "Denveronis." That isn't a team. Tonight, Michael Showalter and I begin another leg of our never-ending tour. Neither of us has played Denver before, but I can tell already that it's going to be great. How do I know? Simple. Taco Bell at the airport. Any city with Taco Bell at the airport is okay by me. Did I have any Taco Bell? No, I didn't. I just like knowing it's there.

UPDATE: I did have Taco Bell later in the evening. (3 Taco Supremes - delicisioso)