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August 13, 2007

What a Birthday!

What a birthday! What a BIRTHDAY! Thank you all for you nice messages and sexual innuendos. They were just the icing on the cake of a PERFECT BIRTHDAY!

How did I spend my special day? Fulfillling a lifelong wish of mine, my wife (reluctantly) rented a silverback gorilla for the day. For those of you who don't know, a silverback gorilla is the most majestic of all the great apes. The guys dropped the gorilla off at the house at around eight in the morning. Was I surprised? To say the least!!!

First of all, Jimmy (the gorilla) was much larger in person than I would have expected. He stood about six feet tall on his legs and weighed somewhere around five hundred pounds. Touchingly, he was also very shy. At first he wouldn't do much of anything except stand in the living room and look around, but after the kids came down, he started to get very agitated and pretty soon was doing normal gorilla stuff: panting, hooting, and breaking everything.

Needless to say, the kids were terrified, but I tried to explain to them that Jimmy was a lot more scared of us than they were of him. As it turns out, that may not have been true, because the kids were really, really terrified: screaming and crying and trying to escape the house, whereas Jimmy very quickly established dominance and pretty much kept the rest of the family from moving at all by swiping at us with his mighty paws if we so much as raised our heads off the floor. It was exhilirating and awe-inspiring all at the same time.

At one point, Jimmy killed the dog.

Around lunch time, my wife gave Jimmy a big bowl of fruit and termites, which he quickly devoured. Re-energrized, he then wanted to "wrestle." In my readings, I'd learned about gorilla play activities, and so I engaged Jimmy in a little "combat." Of course, an adult male mountain gorilla is considerably stronger than a middle-aged human comedian, and so I proved to be no match for him, but we had fun. Did he break my arm? He did. Did he puncture my lung? He did. Do I have still have a spleen? The doctors will let me know soon.

Also, he fucked my wife.

Before we knew it, the day was over. The guys came back, shot Jimmy in the neck with a tranquilizer dart, and hauled him back to wherever they keep him. I was left with my aforementioned injuries, two traumatized kids, and one wife who is unsure (in a legal sense) if she is was raped or not. But more than that, more than the house which will almost certainly not be covered by homeowners insurance due to the fact that we invited a wild gorilla into it, something that insurers generally frown upon when reviewing claims. Ditto: medical. More than all of that, we are left with incredible memories of spending a day with one of God's most fascinating and inscrutable creations.

Would I change anything about my birthday present? No I wouldn't. It was a perfect birthday!

(Incidentally, the kids didn't get me anything.)


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I had to comment on this post because my friend started a boy band that's gimmick is to save the silverback gorillas so I thought I would let you know. The band is called Cat Lives in case it ever gets off the ground like most boy bands do.

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