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August 03, 2007

Some Advice for People Experiencing Anxiety Related to Global Warming

We see the headlines screaming at us every day: The planet is warming up! Icebergs are melting! Sea levels are rising! Pretty scary stuff, huh? With a global disaster seemingly looming around the corner, it's probably all you can do to keep from having your own major "melt down." Well, if you're experiencing anxiety related to global warming, I've got some advice for you: don't worry about it!

You heard me right, friend. Stop worrying about global warming because worrying never fixed anything. Worrying about the darkness didn't invent the light bulb, and worrying about our rapidly depleting ozone layer isn't going to fix that, either.
Whenever I start to feel blue about the fate of the earth, I simply take a page from a book I sometimes read (Don't worry - the page is printed on 'recycled paper!' LOL!). The author of this particular book was a fellow named Jesus Christ. Maybe some of you have heard of him. Anyway, this is what he said:

'Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; and yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.'

In other words, if flowers aren't freaking out about global warming, why should you?

Now maybe you're thinking, "I'm pretty sure Jesus wasn't talking about global warming when he said that."

Well I say to you, friend, I'm pretty sure he WAS.

Jesus knew that just as the flowers don't spin, neither should you. What does it mean to "spin?" It means to turn things over and over in your mind like damp clothes in a dryer. Spinning them around doesn't get them any drier, just as endless worrying won't make our problems disappear.

(Technically I know that, in fact, spinning DOES cause clothes to dry, but I'd like you to disregard that in favor of the larger metaphorical point I am trying to make.)

In the end, Al Gore isn't going to "save the earth." After all, he couldn't even save his marriage! (I know, technically, Al Gore is still married, but again, I'm trying to make a point.) The only politician who is going to save our planet is the one who makes the ultimate law: do I mean God?

I do.

Because whenever God is ready, he's going to point His awesome Godlike finger at our earth and make it whole. He can do shit like that. And that's why I don't "recycle" or "save gas," or "eat less veal." Because why should I bother doing so little when God can do so much?

So I say to you, friend, stop worrying! Everything's going to be okay. And if by some chance, God doesn't point his awesome Godlike finger at our planet and "we all die," then I will be the first person to stand up and say, "You know what, guys? I was wrong."

But I really don't think I am.

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Alex

Gold. Fucking gold.

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