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August 05, 2007

Garbage Day

What do you mean you didn't take out the trash? Friday is garbage day - that's why we call it GARBAGE DAY! You really are a fucking idiot. I mean, I know a lot of idiots: my boss, the guy at the car wash who doesn't know how to give correct change, those stupid kids who bag the groceries at the store, my sister and her idiot kids, the dentist who told me I needed a crown when I clearly DIDN'T need a crown - all of them are idiots in their own special ways. You, however, you transcend mere idiocy because even idiots - even every day, run of the mill idiots, no matter how severe their stupidity, no matter how brain dead, even THEY know that Friday is garbage day.

You have ten fingers right? And there are only seven days in the week, right? So even an idiot could count every single day on his fingers if he had to. But you can't even do that. Which is why I have a devised a special category for you. That of the fucking idiot. And that's what you are. A FUCKING IDIOT!

Maybe you think I'm being redundant. Maybe you think, "Alright Dad, I get the point." And if you were a normal human being, I would agree. If you were even a sub-normal human being, I would probably agree. If you were merely a highly functioning retard, I would almost certainly agree that I am, in fact, beating the proverbial dead horse here. But I want to make sure you understand the point I am making, and to do that, I have to be absolutely certain that you comprehend the fact that you are a FUCKING IDIOT.

You see what I'm doing here? I'm drawing a picture on the wall. I know I'm not a great artist, but bear with me. Here is a circle for the head, two eyes which are crossed, a wavy line for a mouth, and two buck teeth. Now I am drawing an arrow and next to the arrow I am writing the word, "You." I'm reading it out loud because I don't trust that you are capable of reading. And underneath the picture where a cartoonist might draw his caption, I am writing two words. Those two words I will read to you out loud, because, again, I'm not convinced somebody such as yourself has the ability to actually piece together the letters of our alphabet in order to form words. The words, in this case, are "FUCKING IDIOT." You'll notice that I capitalized the words for emphasis.

I'd like you to sit on the stool there and contemplate this drawing for the next two hours. And when you are done with that, I would like you to do your best to replicate that drawing on a sheet of paper and pencil which I am providing. The only thing I would like you to change is to replace the word "you" with the word "me." Then I would like you to take that drawing and affix it to your shirt with this piece of tape I am also providing. Then we are going to the mall where your friends hang out and we are going to go window shopping for several hours.

After we get home, I'm going to take a shit and you are going to scoop that shit out of the toilet and put it in a little baggie, and put that baggie in your room until next Friday, otherwise known as GARBAGE DAY! On that day, you will remove that baggie from your room, place it in the garbage can, and take it out, just like I asked you to do this morning.

Unfortunately, though, you forgot. Because you are a FUCKING IDIOT! Alright, enough. I think I made my point.

I love you.


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Hmm...there should be a feature that allows for the deletion of posts...

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